Rabid About Film.

OH COME ON!

2011-03-14T21:06:00.001-07:00

Oh come on! How is this dead as fuck blog getting more hits than my totally awesome new blog? Get in on it, splatterheads. I got a story about man-eating deer! Man-eating deer! And if you're lucky, KILLER WAVES! Think about it people.

Serpent Jesus (Huffing 245 Trioxin)
http://serpentjesus.blogspot.com/

Exodus Attack!

2011-03-03T23:14:00.000-08:00

We've moved to a more interesting blog. You should go there, it's super wacky and nutty.

Check it out!
Serpent Jesus (Huffing 245 Trioxin)

Review - Terminator: Salvation

2009-05-23T06:27:00.000-07:00

It's been nearly a year since I abandoned this blog, the last post being a review of Lost Boys: The Tribe. To be honest I really had no plans on going back here because reviewing movies is a very boring and uninspiring enterprise. I don't have much fun writing and I'm sure the one person who stumbles over here won't have much fun reading it. But I felt compelled to make a post after seeing the monstrosity that is Terminator Salvation so maybe I can just warn the people of earth of the horror that lies within. So much that I wish I could travel to the past about a couple of months and tell everyone about the oncoming disaster in advance. But much like Kyle Reese from the first film, I don't think anyone will believe my ranting about the future atrocities. Especially if they find me naked in an alleyway.

But first, let's be fair. I was looking forward to this movie. I think what got me excited was seeing a subway poster featuring an endoskeleton sporting a kickass mini-gun. I thought to myself, "Whoa, I've never seen them using a mini-gun before!" That image got me all amped up for some intense battle scenes with endless armies of endoskeletons and the few but dedicated members of the resistance taking them on valiantly. Basically, I was looking forward to a feature-length version of the opening scenes of the first two movies. But instead we have what is essentially Transformers 1 1/2 with a little bit of Blade Runner thrown in for good measure.

Again, to be fair, let's mention the good. First, Anton Yelchin steps up big time as Kyle Reese. His character has a good progression, starting in the beginning as a new character and ending as someone that looks quite familiar, right down to the choice of firearm. You can definitely see a young fighter turning into a hardened warrior throughout the film. Second, as cheesy as they were, I enjoyed the numerous references to the first films. It was fun to see that John Connor is still a big GNR fan, but I can't help but wonder why he would bring a boombox to a cyborg fight? There's also a great little pseudo-cameo at the end that the audience in the theater got a kick out of. Third, I suppose I should note that the special were fairly cool. The occasional appearances of non-CGI terminators was good to see, but I didn't understand why they had to be all dirty and weathered instead of the ultra-cool chrome grim reaper image we all know and love.

Now, the bad. I'll try to keep this short, but I promise nothing. The biggest problem I had with this film was Christian Bale's performance. Clearly, the man was hired purely as a name-brand thanks to the Dark Knight, and that's pretty much what we get. Every time he was on the screen as John Connor, I couldn't help but laugh as he delivers all of his lines with a slightly less intense variation on that stupid Batman voice. Here we have an actor who is clearly not invested in his role at all and just going through the motions. Mr. Bale is still a very young actor and it's strange to see him sleepwalk through a role the way present-day Robert DeNiro would. But I guess it wouldn't be fair to put all of the blame on Bale. The action scenes are pretty sleep-inducing. But that's typical since 99.9% of them are all CGI, so there's that complete lack of identiable peril. But probably the biggest problem of this film is the same problem that plagues most of today's ultra-serious, zero-humor, gravelly-voiced action epics. Really bad story. The filmmakers were more interested in concocting CGI eye-candy scenes that look good for a trailer, they completely ignored the need to include the type of engaging storyline that made the first two films so memorable.

I could go on about all the things wrong with this movie but I'll just add one more. Helena Bonham Carter is in this. That should give you an indication of the level of quality of Terminator Salvation. This film is a huge step backwards in comparison to the first two Terminator films and in some ways even worse than the third. And I'm sure many people are saying that the film should be judged on its own merit and not compared to the originals. Well, to that I must say tough shit. If the filmmakers didn't want their film compared to the greatest sci-fi/action film ever made, then they probably shouldn't have made it as a sequel to the greatest sci-fi/action film ever made (I'm talking about T2, r-tard). Judging the film on its own merit, it's about 2 stars out of five, which most certainly does not warrant spending $12.50 for the ticket. Comparing the film to the first two Terminators, it's a solid zero stars. I'm sorry if I sound bullheaded on this, but this is the fucking Terminator series and the viewer should have high expectations for it. Especially after seeing great summer fare like Iron Man and Dark Knight, films that delivered great action along with real emotion and intellect, audiences should be able to expect more from their mindless action movies. This film is just an uninspired, sterile cycle through the action movie motions that we've all seen before and done way better. McG, you still suck.

Review - The Lost Boys: The Tribe

2008-08-16T22:53:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been noticing a series of subway ads around the city for that lowest common denominator show Gossip Girl. The ads display some generic photo of the hot young stars, sometimes mid-coitus, accompanied by a blurb from a negative review of the show. In true advertising slimeball fashion, they twist the review around and make Gossip Girl sound like some sort of forbidden fruit with phrases like "mind-blowingly inappropriate" or "every parent's nightmare". Therefore, when you watch Gossip Girl, you're going against the grain of traditional society and rebelling against the status quo, while at the same time playing into the hands of money-worshipping TV gods. Packaged rebellion is so tubular.

The words of a critic can be easily twisted like that. I highly doubt Roger Ebert's claims that "Chucky is one mean SOB" came from a positive review of the first Child's Play. It would probably be a good idea for critics to take extra when writing reviews, so they don't get quoted out of context to make the company's shitty movie sound like edgy counter-programming. I suggest critics consider using more profanity and scatological language in their reviews to make it perfectly clear. Here's a good example.

Gossip Girl gargles buckets full of stale donkey semen. It is the television equivalent of eating dog shit and throwing it back up again, and daring another friend to eat the regurgitated excrement. If you like this show, you're probably being molested by your uncle, and you like it.

Like poetry, no? I was thinking of writing something like "this is why other countries hate us," but even something as dishonorable as that could be made into a positive. With that in mind, let's write this negative review of Lost Boys: The Tribe.

The original Lost Boys was probably one of the best films of the 1980s. Most 80s movies can be dated by their tacky fashion, cheesy synthesizer music, and randomly out of place greasy muscle men playing saxophone, but all those things make The Lost Boys the enduring classic it has become. It also doesn't hurt that unlike most teen demographic horror films, it's got a great cast, amazing cinematography and a pitch perfect pace. Like Kill Bill, the original Lost Boys is a popcorn movie made with a copious amount of TLC. Then there's this sequel, which features a brilliant scene where Edgar Frog (a tragically underused Corey Feldman) threatening two undead surfers with a stake, causing them to speed away in the same comedic fashion used in numerous episodes of the Munsters. In place of the totally cool biker dudes clad in black leather (not to mention Alex Winter's totally awesome jacket), we have a bunch of annoying douche-nozzles who won't shut the hell up. They seem more interested in playing with video cameras and quoting The Big Lebowski than engaging in the usual vampire activities. Yes, there is a vampire that quotes The Big Lebowski. Is that scary to you? What we have here instead of mysterious teenage ghoulsters, we have frat boy vampires. Fratpires if you will.

Essentially, the story is a complete retread of the original, adding in some extra sex (an attempt to distance itself from the original film's homoeroticism?), gratuitous violence, and chop-chop editing, which has become the benchmark of modern mediocre horror films. Siblings Chris and Nicole Emerson (Emerson?) move to sleepy Luna Bay, which if you're keeping score, is not Santa Carla. Boldly dodging any attempt at character exposition in favor of getting to the good stuff, we find our heroes at a surf party which surprisingly is completely lacking in any actual surfing. Then Nicole turns into a vampire by drinking some Kiefer Sutherland's half brother's blood, then Chris fucks then kills a vampire vixen with deer antlers, who turns into stone before exploding. Then Edgar Frog shows up and says something and immediately leaves. I'm mentioning these events at such a rapid pace because this is how rushed the first act of the film is. Then for a long time nothing happens. Chris becomes a vampire at some point, there's a chase scene with the police, and finally Edgar Frog does some ass-kicking, but not enough. The movie's already over. Or is it? On the bright side, the final scene hints at a possible third chapter that could very well be much better and contain the original cast. Of course, that's wishful thinking.

This film is bad. I rented it hoping for a few good laughs and got a film that was sloppily directed, sloppily edited, and altogether poorly made. The cast is wooden as hell, and Corey Feldman could've done a lot if he had more screen time and dropped the raspy Rambo voice. Instead, he's thrown to the waste side in favor of the "hot young talent". What wood shed was Kiefer keeping his half-brother Angus? And why did he find it appropriate to let him out? And why the hell do the vampires run away in a Benny Hill-esque manner? Who is that douchebag vampire that keeps quoting Lebowski and how the hell did that awful actor get the job? This film prompted a lot of questions. The most intriguing being, what happened to gay Danzig? He used to command such a crowd back in the 80s. Now this?

In conclusion, Lost Boys: The Tribe gargles buckets full of stale donkey semen. It is the cinematic equivalent of eating dog shit and throwing it back up again, and daring another friend to eat the regurgitated excrement. If you like this movie, you're probably being molested by your uncle, and you like it.

Well I guess it wasn't THAT bad, it's not Wes Craven's Cursed bad. I did find myself rewinding back to the nude scenes if that means anything.

Review - The Dark Knight

2008-07-21T21:35:00.000-07:00

It's already #1 on the IMDb's bullshit top 250 list, it's already made a profit of $19 million in addition to getting back its budget, and about six hours after the special midnight screenings, the dudes at work were raving about how incredibly awesome it is and how they've forgotten all about that 1989 movie with that Easy Rider dude. Now it's Monday, and I walked into a slightly less packed theater on 34th street (oh yeah, did I mention I live in Brooklyn now?) and was able to get my own glimpse at this instant phenomenon 'The Dark Knight'. But why am I writing about it? Don't we have enough glowing reviews and champions for posthumous Oscars as it is? Well, I'm writing this review because this movie answered a question. One I've been wondering about for a long time.

Leaving the theater, a few things were going through my head. There was the cool new Batman theme, my concern over how we could get further Joker tales without Mr. Ledger, and my worries that the Tim Burton's version of Batman, a fixture of my childhood circa1989, might vanish into the sands of time (hell, these days kids don't even know about Green Day's best album). But mostly, I was thinking about that gag where the Joker made that pencil disappear. Heavy.

Films like this piss me off. Films like 'The Dark Knight' and 'Iron Man' and the newest 'Incredible Hulk' infuriate me like no other. I wish they didn't exist, I wish Hollywood never greenlit them, and I wish they weren't so universally praised by critics and film-goers. And damn it, I wish I didn't love this movie so much and I wish I wasn't so glued to my seat and emotionally invested in the whole thing. Finally, I wish this film didn't justify the existence of the Hollywood system I so deeply despise ever since I learned how much Terry Gilliam had to fight to keep that downer ending in 'Brazil'.

To give the film a synopsis is like saying Hamlet is a story about revenge. The story is a vast undertaking that covers so many bases, you just have to watch and ask yourself, "how the hell are they going to get out of this one?" The story twists, turns, excites, emotes, it's all here. The writers have painstakingly explored every facet of Batman and how he works, things that were only slightly examined in the entertaining but flawed 'Batman Begins'. We also have a serious detective story. Batman doesn't just waltz into the Joker's secret lair and smack him in the face, followed by a colorful BAM! First he has to foil each of his intricately detailed terrorist schemes (really the only way to describe his schemes, he's just a psycho who loves to blow stuff up) before he can nab him. Secondly, while Batman does have an impressive array of weapons and gadgets to thrill popcorn munchers everywhere, his adventures just aren't that simple. A big theme in the film is the occasionally blurry line between between hero and villain. In one small scene, one of Gordon's fellow police officers that she sold out to the Joker because of her mother's large pile of medical bills. Where is that line? Is it okay to cross it? Even just occasionally? Are cops just gangsters with a 401k or is there something that keeps them firmly on the side of good? That one thing is pretty easy to guess, but all of our characters learn that it's harder and harder to hold onto. Never has there been a more complex and genuinely emotional superhero film.

Now lets talk about Heath's Joker. When he first died, some gossip gerties claimed that this role destroyed Heath Ledger. Others said something about Jack Nicholson warning him that the Joker role would kill him. Yeah, it was the incredibly challenging acting role, not the drugs at all. Nope. Even as a fictional character, the Joker still causes mayhem. To be perfectly honest, I saw many similarities with Ledger's portrayal and Nicholson's, only with the sadism level (and I think the masochism level, too) cranked up to eleven. He has that reckless swagger and lack of regard for human life that we all knew and loved, but his horrific actions are shown with horrific consequences. Nolan's gritty realistic take on Gotham City make his clownish nihilism all the more disturbing. With this Joker, you don't think "haha, he electrocuted that dude with his joy-buzzer." Instead, you think "holy shit, he just blew up that hospital for no reason, and he's laughing about it. Sick fuck." Unfortunately, we don't see any great uses of Joker venom or lethally electric joy buzzers, which is a bit of a shame, although I suppose the would probably have had trouble fitting it in. I don't think I'll ever be able to decide who did the Joker better, but with Ledger's loss I don't think anyone will be able to top it. That's why you have to learn to hold your liquor and drugs. Pussy.

I could go on about this movie, and the more I write, the more I'll break into cro-magnon sentence fragments or go on strange theories about the correlation between the alignment of the planets and the current translucency of the Riddler's semen. It's epic, seriously epic. Only slightly less epic than the Bill and Ted saga. You dumbass fanboys wanted your dark Batman, your ideal version of the character that you constructed in your pathetic, unimaginative head, and here it is. Here's your dark Batman. It's dark, dark, darrrrrk! It's too early to tell if this is going to be the best film of 2008 and I can't agree with people who are already saying it's the greatest film ever made and Ledger is the definitive Joker. My childhood memories of seeing Jack Nicholson with my late uncle Gene in Montana are just too strong for me to ever believe that. But yeah, it's damn good and for me it answers that question I always ask: with all these fluff movies and cinematic soma, why does Hollywood even have to exist? The answer, to make superhero movies and make them better than they've ever been.

I had read some goofball in Entertainment Tonight complaining about the Oscars and how we need some movies that everybody can get behind, critics and audiences alike. Are you happy now?

Now, I think it's my job to take my six year old nephew to see this, what with tradition and all.

Space Truckin' - Chapter 2: We Always Had a Ball on Mars

2008-03-21T16:50:00.000-07:00

“Hey, there’s that other one, man,” said Gee.

“Which one?” The guys had some trouble identifying which planets they were zooming past. It was definitely the one with the big red spot on it and it was probably a gas planet, as Gee remembers from middle school. They were never too big on science. “You know, the one with the big red spot on it, I think it’s a gas planet.”

“I don’t know, man. I can’t remember any of that stuff.” Franky started smoking around age twelve, and while his grades in music and art quickly excelled, everything else began a steady decline. There was the month-long drought when Boo’s mother had no idea where he was, but that was it.

It had been about a good forty five minutes since the VW bus had rocked out of the Earth’s stratosphere and plunged into the deep abyss of space, far into the solar system. After identifying what that other thing that used to be a planet but for some reason got demoted, the man-thing at the wheel glanced into the side mirror and noticed something. Another starcraft was starting to gain on them fast. It was a sleek camaro style space-cruiser, cutting the air with a sonic squeal. The man-thing became nervous. He had already killed two police officers on Earth, and while the Galactic Federation deems the killing of an Earth policeman “just a little worse than littering” and at most would require a fine or a night in space jail, he certainly wasn’t prepared to get pinched for holding. The marijuana laws had become increasingly strict within the past two years, ever since the Swiners won the yearly Federation Jamboree and gained a majority of influence. Rikka Willoms Grogor, a well-known decathlete, was supposed to represent man-thing’s planet, ensuring a victory, but upon arriving at the Space Coliseum he was only greeted by a janitor’s, “Dude, that was yesterday!”

The man-thing did the only thing he could, pull the lever of the overburner and crank it up to hyper-speed. The Heshers fitted the van with it for that that purpose, although they preferred that he not use it, because they were hoping to bring it back to the store for a full refund. Nevertheless, he felt compelled to use it and the VW bus became a speck in the distance. Pluto was gone. In fact, anything the guys would find even remotely familiar was gone. They were definitely somewhere else. The endless space and stars were replaced by a sky of colored swirls and glowing smoke. Franky was becoming nervous at this point. He really wanted to pinch some of that cube as it would probably be the only thing that could calm his nerves. He reached for it, only to watch it get snatched up by the man-thing.
“That’s not for you!”

Franky was offended. “Then give us back our sixty bucks, you jerk!”

“Your money is of no use here.”

Gee whined, “Where is our bud, man?”

“There will be plenty when we land, but this isn’t yours!”

Franky wanted to know where the man-thing was taking them, but he wasn’t talking. He had to keep his focus on the voyage. Gee was doing his best to go with the flow, admiring the groovy light show in the skies. They were then approaching a planet. As they got closer and closer, they were able to make out what it looked like better. It was almost completely green with what appeared to be some kind of thick foliage, encasing the all the land. The foliage appeared as a single giant leaf atop a single thin and bending tree trunk. Among the giant monster leaf trees were smaller plump fungal formations that popped out of the ground and stood short. They were hard and rubbery and purple in color. They got closer still, and were then able to see the narrow rivers that form a lattice-network underneath the greens. Dark green-colored water slowly flowed through the rivers. As they descended closer upon the planet, Gee noticed his light-headedness was starting to increase. The air on this planet is thick and harder ingest than the oxygen on Earth. Getting closer, they gently made it through the green leafy layer that encases the entire world. Underneath the green, they saw much more. The rubbery fungi were just the tips of giant monolithic buildings that spiked up from the marshy ground. Metal and plastic doesn’t appear to be the construction material of choice for this planet. As the man-thing gains his focus of the land, he moves the course of the VW bus to a particular building. The largest building they see, it resembles an overturned cap of a mushroom, exposing the tubes and teeth of the underside. They moved right into the tubes, entering.

Upon landing, the guys followed the man-thing as he was escorted down a hall by a group of other man-things in long robes. They struggle to keep up with the gents, going through the twists and turns of the jungle-like hallways, lined with organic materials and supported with whatever their planet calls bamboo. It was hard to stay with them because of the atmosphere had still left them pretty woozy. Gee was starting to get a nosebleed and Frank was stumbling at every other step. They had no idea how much longer this was going to last, but it sure was uncomfortable and had better wrap up soon.

“Whoa, man,” Frank exclaimed as he struggles to make a turn. They came to the end of the hallway and a pair of large ornate doors, which was promptly opened by an armored guard. What lay on the other side of those doors would astound Franky and Gee for years to come. They entered the front room of what some would consider a decadent palace. The first thing they noticed was the professionally framed Budgie poster on the wall. It was high quality, not some cheap thing from the department store. The frame was actually custom made to fit the poster perfectly. Usually, Gee has extra space with his framed posters and chooses to fill in the gap with some black construction paper. Franky was particularly impressed by the nice track lighting setup they had going on. He had always wanted to put something like that up, but could never scrape together enough money from working at his minimum wage job.

They followed the man-thing into the back of the hall and saw him approach what could only be described as a giant throne-couch. It was tall, solid, and encrusted with jewels and was ornately carved with designs, but it was still a couch, with nice fluffy cushions and all. The man-thing called out to the revolting blob that was piled upon the couch, causing it to jiggle and throw off the blanket it was hiding under. Underneath all those layers and flaps of fat and skin, there was something. It probably wasn’t a man, but it talked and possibly had the ability to walk. Stringy hair covered its face, which it vainly pushed to the side as it sat up and tried to address the man-thing. Its face was obscured by chin upon chin which took up the vast majority of its head, giving it a vague pyramid or conical shape. Flabs of greenish skin and fat shook from its arms with every move, covered with grease and liver spots. He stroked his scraggly beard in a contemplative manner and wiped his hand on his resin-stained t-shirt and spoke.

“What, man?” The man-thing responds. "It's started, your highness."

"Bummer."

Space Truckin' - Chapter 1: We Had a Lot of Luck on Venus

2008-02-26T00:24:00.001-08:00

“Huh? I don’t get it.” Gee was more than a little confused at the murky language found on the opposite side of the business card. “What’s there to not get,” Franky asked.

“Multiple and/or regular patronage required? We have to keep on buying every week? I don’t like that at all!”

Franky was getting a tad frustrated at Gee’s inability to grasp the simple situation. “Can we just get this done already? It took me forever to scrape up sixty dollars.” Gee was still wary about this new venture. “Why can’t we just go over to Boo’s house again?”

Franky was insulted. Gee knew damn well why they’re not going back to Boo’s house. Boo is not worth it. He has the absolute worst product and it takes a minimum of two hours worth of hanging out and listening to his mediocre poetry just to get a lousy dime. Franky was tired of putting up with all the lowlifes and losers of Jamestown and wanted to do business with somebody that has a little more class. At the very least, someone who didn’t always reek of that sharp provolone smell. After a few more minutes of gentle coaxing, Gee was ready. “Okay, but you do the talking.” Franky most certainly intended to do all the talking. He dialed the phone number and, as expected, received a voice mail.

“Um, hello,” Franky began in a shaky voice. “We would like to place an order for delivery. Could you please call us back at 718-645-6708? Thanks.” Franky was also unsure about the standard operating procedure, so he decided to treat it like he was ordering a pizza or something.

“Did you call the guy or are we ordering a pizza first,” Gee questioned.

“No, that was the guy. I guess he’s going to call back in five minutes.”

Gee was getting anxious. It had been nearly a week since his last good buzz. He’d heard a lot of good things about this home delivery service, especially from some of his old college friends in the city. However, he was still a little apprehensive. He likes to know who he’s shopping from, even if it’s something as casual as this. But when he heard that there was some guys operating in Jamestown, his curiosity got the best of him, so he started talking about it with Franky, who was already several steps ahead of him.

Approximately six minutes and thirty nine seconds later, Gee was losing his cool. “What kind of creeps are we getting mixed up with? And now they have our phone number, man! They could find us, kidnap us and put us in a snuff film! We don’t know these guys, they could be psychos! And now tonight we’re gonna end up in some dank basement with shackles on our hands and our balls in our mouths! How do you like that!”

The phone finally rang, causing Gee to become silent almost instantly. Franky answered and continued the pizza delivery ruse. He said he wanted three large pizzas with anchovies. The guy on the other line said something about anchovies being gross, but Franky had no idea what that was supposed to imply and insisted on anchovies. The delivery man gave their total to be sixty dollars even. Franky stated that that’s a lot of money for a few pizzas, to which the delivery man replied, “We’re very good.” He gave his address and hung up. Then they had to play the waiting game.

“We could play Guess Who,” Gee suggested. However, Franky commented that they should wait until afterwards, as it’s more fun when “the game cards actually do talk.” It was a painful wait. Usually the two aren’t shy about having a couple of beers beforehand, but thought it was important to have a fresh start this evening, as they were trying something new and wanted to make their conclusions without any outside interference.

Gee and Franky were just about best friends, but they disagreed on mostly everything. Gee claimed to be a staunch libertarian, mainly out of being disenfranchised by the two major parties and wanting to have nothing to do with them, while Franky still held out hope for the democrats. Both wanted to be anarchists, but weren’t willing to go the extra mile because they weren’t sure where the 7-11 would go after such a drastic change in government structure, or lack thereof. The 7-11 is where they would usually end up after an evening of non-adventures. Franky was always up for anything, but Gee thinks too much and always creates dilemmas to avoid potential fun activities. What was supposed to be a great evening at Medieval Times in Toronto turned into nothing but a three hour session in Carl’s living room, discussing it.

At one point they started watching the first half hour of Scarface. Neither of them were huge fans of the movie, but seemed to enjoy it in the past, especially when watching it at parties. However, this particular viewing seemed off in a way. “Why is he always screaming? This is totally gay, man.” Franky agreed. As great as the final shootout was, the movie as a whole was way too campy to be taken seriously and the chainsaw scene was mediocre at best. “It doesn’t even show his limbs get cut off.” Franky was a particular gorehound and didn’t appreciate that at all. Gee questioned what the “rap guys” liked so much about it in the first place. Then it came. Did it ever.

The thing entered the house, but neither of them remembers ever opening the door. There was no doorbell, no knock, just a breeze of air that chilled the back of their necks. Their spines stiffened as the presence of the effervescent man took it upon him to sit at their own furniture. His hollow eyes drifted through the shroud of his black hood, the only thing visible of his face. Franky’s brain swelled with regret as the thing threw out an index finger, pointing its bony appendage towards him. Somewhere in the world, a poodle just had its face smashed in with a brick. “Extra anchovies?” He reached into his chest, underneath several layers of rags and grease, pulling out a cube. Within the cube was a thing of terror.

It was a gelatin - a slime. Yet it had shapes. A mighty warrior marched his way through the arctic tundra, slaying demons and goblins and wrestling snow-beasts. It was a long journey filled with hardships. Many men died, but only this warrior, the bravest of the brave and the purest of heart, could survive the earthly hell. He was within moments of victory, so close he could taste the sweet sweat of triumph trickling down his nose, only to be permanently immobilized by the cube. This horrible, horrible cube. This thing. Franky and Gee were giddy.

“Police, open up!” Their giddiness eviscerated by a single knock of a door and replaced with anxiety. Gee can’t go through this again. He’s already been hassled for possession within the last six months. And he has a second interview on Monday. Franky was a little more relaxed and more annoyed that he wasn’t able to see what was in that wicked awesome cube. But before any of them sink any further into deep thought, the man-thing reaches again into his layers of rags and pulls out the biggest gun they have ever seen. Within two or three blasts, the front door of Gee’s mom’s house is blown down, leaving a lifetime’s supply of charred wooden splinters. On the outside, Gee spots two bodies falling to the ground. “Get in the car,” the man-thing demands, referring to his old rusty VW bus parked outside. Franky and Gee expected that if they didn’t yield to his demands, they would join the two outside and decided to be good little hostages. As they stepped outside, they got a good look at the fallen policemen. They didn’t look like men at all, but had strange pinkish complexions, hideous warts covering their faces and fat snouts. They squealed their final death squeals as their guts spilled onto the porch. A siren grows louder in the air. The man-thing points his gun again. “Now!” Frank and Gee scramble to the bus.

As they hop into the back seats, they catch a glimpse of the cops pulling up to Gee’s mom’s house. It’s another group of hideous pig men wielding machine guns and dressed like the leather man from the Village People. The man-thing turns the keys to the ignition. Gee asked “Did you bring that cube thing with you?”

Review - Rambo

2008-01-26T14:32:00.000-08:00

After seeing Rambo at the theater, I went back to my neighborhood and ate some nachos. Big ones too, with chili, cheese, black beans, sour cream, the works, man. In my neighborhood there's the authentic Mexican restaurant and there's the taco place that's run by Asians. The authentic place is great. You get some damn good food and it doesn't cost too much. But recently, I decided to go with the not so respected Yummy Taco. I avoided it because it was poor quality, possibly unsanitary, and low-brow, unlike the authentic place. But yesterday I decided to give Yummy Taco, the not so authentic taco place, strangely owned and operated by Asians, a chance. I loved it. Reminds of the good ol' Mighty Taco in Buffalo. Not even close to real Mexican cooking, but I'll be damned if it doesn't fill your stomach to the point of extreme regret. Besides, the authentic place's idea of nachos are just chips with cheese melted over them. So I thought what better way to cap off my viewing experience than to get some low brow "Mexican" food at the low brow taco place that nobody of influence would be caught dead at. Sounds good to me.

I wasn't sure what the proper venue would be to see this film. At first thought, I wanted to go to one of the rowdy theaters in Harlem that I hear so much about. But that's a bit of a trek for a movie. The closest theaters to Greenpoint were in Queens and another in Union Square. I decided to go to Union Square because I wanted a nice big theater with a kickass sound system so I could hear every drop of blood and guts that hit the floor. What I didn't count on, though, was that the place would be full of Manhattan douchebags who for some reason didn't realize they were seeing Rambo, and came in with the same expectations they'd have if they were seeing some pretentious dogshit like Babel. I believe Patton Oswalt has a good bit about that. When Stallone delivered the closest thing he had to a monologue in the movie, I heard a few sarcastic snickers from the asshole gallery. Did they really pay $12 just to make snarky comments about a movie they don't even enjoy watching? Perhaps the journey to Harlem would've been worthwhile.

But despite the non-believers and betrayers of all that is good and righteous, I was in heaven for an hour and a half, watching John Rambo send others straight to hell. After about a good 20 minutes worth of plot setup, which includes people getting liquefied on land mines, raping, pillaging, children receiving the business-end of a bayonet, and other assorted scumbaggery on the behalf of those Burmese evil fucks, we once again find Rambo in Thailand. He's trying to live a simple life, driving his boat and catching snakes. Then Christian missionaries show up and ask him for a lift to Burma, for their humanitarian work. Rambo firmly replies, "You ain't changing nothing." And of course, when they get there, nothing changes. They get captured by the slimy Burmese army and Rambo realizes that fighting and killing is reason he was put on this earth, and jumps into action. He transports a group of mercenaries to try and rescue the missionaries. They don't realize who this John Rambo is, and when they find themselves looking down the barrel of a gun, guess who shows up with bow and arrow blazing. It's like Clinton was never even elected.

This is an action film. No bullshit, no stupid storyline about trying to regain someone's stolen identity, and no babyfaced loser trying to pass off as a tough guy. Just Stallone doing what he does best, which is pulverizing, annihilating, and destroying his enemies. If today's generation of actors insist on continuing to be spoiled rich kids with problems, then why the hell shouldn't Stallone keep on making action movies at his old age? Christian Bale sure as hell ain't doing it! If you call these guys action heroes, Stallone is here to remind you how the fuck it's done! People don't dive for cover from a hail of bullets in a balletic manner, they get hit, and they die, painfully. People get their heads blown clean off a la Dawn of the Dead, sleazy military leaders are disemboweled, and the world is just plain mean. Stallone did a good job taking a page from the Saving Private Ryan handbook when it came to filming warfare. The camera shakes and dives, it's all a little overwhelming, but it kicks ass.

Did you ever see that scene in Sullivan's Travels where the main character ends up in a labor camp? One night he and the prisoners are treated to a movie at the local church. Despite their hardships and misery, they're in heaven while laughing their asses off at a Pluto cartoon. That's the kind of audience I want to see this movie with.

The Oscars are coming up soon, and you can guarantee that this movie will never see its name on the list next year. And you can be sure the critics are going to rip this movie a new one, giving the usual criticisms about it's simple plot, gratuitous violence, and jingoistic attitude. That's okay, this movie wasn't made for them. Rambo is a big dumb action movie, and that's the way it should be. Big, dumb, violent, and no apologies. The academy can have their Junos, their Daniel Day-Lewises, their Into the Wilds with their bullshit scores by Eddie Vedder. I'm perfectly happy with my low brow action movie and my low brow nachos prepared by Asians.

Ten out of five stars.

Movies of 2007!

2008-01-03T21:51:00.001-08:00

It's 2008! And it just wouldn't be the spectacular spectacality of the changing from one year to another year that's one number more than the previous year without a list of things that are considered to be the best things to be things from said year. Considering that this is a blog about movie things, I think that a list of movie things would be an appropriate list of things to make things about.

Top Five Movie Things of 2007!

1. The Other George Washington - In a film that was championed by Oprah's movie club, Will Smith triumphs again with his multi-layered and moving depiction of peanut enthusiast George Washington Carver. This tender and emotional biopic follows Carver's early days on a slave plantation in Missouri, leading up to his eventual proclaimed emancipation and dedication to the legumal sciences. In this film, the peanut is more than just a salty snack that has since become a favorites of baseball fans and barflies alike, it's a symbol of freedom. In the scene where young Carver plants that first peanut plant into the ground, he's planting the seeds of freedom. As a choosy critic, I choose Smith. There is already talk of a sequel, Nuts to This.

2. Rape Rarty - The producers made a bold choice when they decided to take the Scooby Doo franchise in this radical new direction, focusing on the lesser known mystery involving the gang following a serial rapist making their rounds on a college campus. Fred, in an intense performance by Michael Chiklis, frustrated with the legal loopholes and technicalities that have allowed numerous criminals to go free in the past, decides to take the law into his own hands and is not above planting evidence and shooting first and asking questions later. Tragically, the film ends with the horrifying revelation that the assailant just might be in their own ranks. The drama in this film just moves at such a break-neck that you barely get time to take in all the intense story twists and revelations. The scene involving the Scooby snack is one of the most harrowing sequences ever captured on film.

3. Robot Ninjas - In an effort to top his own Transformers, Michael Bay combines Japanese mysticism with technological savvy in this East meets West extravaganza. Tom Cruise plays Terry Chiba, a Japanese businessman who decides to take up karate in order to defend himself. While he excels over the next few months and has reached the degree of black belt, an unexpected Allosaurus attack leaves him at death's door. Fortunately, his wise and blind sensei (played by the exhumed body of the late Ray Charles) fuses his body with cybernetic enhancements, leaving a metaphorical bag of flaming dog poo at the previously mentioned door. But his messianic resurrection is not without its complications, as his wife had immediately reconnected with old flame American auto-mechanic Oswald (played by Ralph Fiennes, brilliantly against type). While the title is somewhat misleading (there's only really one robot ninja, the rest are just either simply robots or ninjas, and a few mutant dinosaurs along the way) Robot Ninjas is a high-octane action ride that may be this generation's Star Wars. And you don't even notice the product placement for Yoshinoya Beef Bowls.

4. My Dick is My Vagina: The Movie - Further proof that viral videos are taking the place of the now extinct dinosaur that is the cinema, My Dick is My Vagina, the youtube heart throb hit the megaplexes and never looked back. Uptight film critics were sure no one would see a movie featuring only a fat kid humorously lip-synching for 90 minutes. They were wrong, give 'em hell, America! Not content to sticking with the tried and true formula, the filmmakers show true ambition when they have the fat kid (portrayed by the same fat kid, it just wouldn't be the same without his masterful talents) demonstrate his innovative performance based art set to the tune of Hawkwind's 1973 landmark live album Space Ritual. Hollywood elite take your notice. Your ivory towers are going to be toppled over by the new breed of young artists, artists who truly have something to say.

5. Turn and Burn - Muckraking filmmaker Paul Haggis continues to tackle issues with piercing accuracy and poignancy. This time, he sets his sights on the world's number one killer, land mines. Charlize Theron performance as a hard-nosed reporter in Pakistan, determined to find the terrorists responsible for her husband's death, only to fall in love with one of them, is only matched by Kal Penn's turn as the terrorist leader. Haggis made a gutsy move by having all the terrorist characters wear actual towels on their heads, obviously an effort to portray the negative stereotypes Americans harbor against Arab citizens.

All in all, 2007 was a banner year for the fine artistic art that is film. No longer held back by the constraints of mass appeal or box office numbers, filmmakers gave the proverbial pressed fruit bowl to the establishment, thanks to unconventional masterworks like Robot Ninjas. After all the dust has settled, 2007 will be long remembered as the year Hollywood took risks. Trailblazing films such as Eat My Fuck, Honky will forever be remembered as the film that had two black supporting characters instead of just one, effectively undoing centuries of prejudice and oppression and the world is a better place because of it. Daring? Certainly. A new American revolution? Just maybe.

Review - Hatchet

2007-12-19T20:22:00.000-08:00

2001: A New Wave Godyssey may have said "Heavens to betsy, I've invented a praying machine," but leave it to good ol' Harry Knowles to proclaim "I am hype machine!" in a distorted voice followed by a few doom metal chords, immediately followed by a failed attempt to locate the proper roll of flab to lift in order to locate his penis. If you don't get any of these references, shame on you. Go back to school, lame-o.

Holy moly, was this film a victim of the massive hype machine that is the online film critic community. Just looking at the DVD box I went blind by all the glowing reviews. You know with fried gold blurbage like that it's only a matter of time that this puny blog is going to start being quoted. Adam Green's Hatchet was tailor made to be the next big thing in horror. It's as if there wasn't a film contained within this shiny pretty disc, but more like an all knowing force that upon exposure will cleanse my soul like a buttermilk enema. All of the problems I have in my life will be whisked away, leaving me in a statement of complete cosmic awareness. How could I be so cold and not plop down the $20.99 for this epiphany in a slip case? What do I have to lose?

$20.99 to be exact.

Hatchet didn't stand a chance. Thanks to the exaggerated reviews and hyperbolic blurbage, Hatchet was destined for meh-ness. Which is unfortunate because if given the proper context, Hatchet is a fitfully entertaining slasher movie that is definitely worth a rent, but not the bloated standard retail price I got sucked into. So here I sit in my living room, thinking to myself "that's it?" and noticeably lacking any kind of Silver Surfer-esque cosmic awareness. I was still the same old person, just a person who watched one more slasher movie than they did before. Maybe if Harry and co. just toned it down a little with their positive review conspiracies and just said "it's a good flick, check it out, man" I wouldn't have this case of cinematic blue balls that could only be remedied with a viewing of Deep Red (that's old school Italian horror!).

Don't get me wrong, Hatchet turns into a good movie once it gets cooking. The first act is a little tedious and a tad inept in the technical department. It's possible Green might not know what to do when filming scenes that don't involve horror. But when that Victor Crowley gets to work and starts pulverizing his victims, you're finally ready to go along for the ride. John Carl Buechler's old school gore effects are probably the star of the whole film, as poor bastards who never stood a chance are chopped, ripped, and annihilated beyond recognition. I probably would have liked the film more if the first act offered more than the cardboard dialogue and cornball jokes that were funnier when we saw them in Revenge of the Nerds 3: The Next Generation.

But all smugness aside (I have a quota of douchebag comments to make, sorry) Hatchet is a good little film, even with its flaws. It's not "so indescribably awesome that you just cannot conceive" and it's most certainly not going to save your life or bring you a bag of White Castle when you're too tired to go out, but for getting together with some friends and some brews for some old fashioned slasher fun, complete with yelling cheesy wisecracks at the screen, this will do just fine with a double feature of The Burning.

Uncalled for Ridicule Part 2: Drexell's Class of 1999 Part II: The Substitute.

2007-11-25T14:23:00.000-08:00

Wait a minute, who do you think you are? What have you achieved in your life that gives you the right to be such an overly critical prick? Have you ever sold a screenplay? No! Have you ever made a feature? No! Where do you come off making fun of Dabney Coleman's long forgotten FOX sitcom attempt Drexell's Class?

You just answered your own question. That is precisely why I'm making fun of Drexell's Class. Because I've never sold a screenplay or directed a feature. Therefore giving me a sense of entitlement to moan and bitch about whatever I want. And a long overdue viewing of the complete first season of Herman's Head inspired me to tackle another sitcom of that weird FOX network era, which I will affectionately refer to as the "Simpsons and nothing else worth a damn" era. I could have taken the easy route and attacked Herman's Head, but I think my liking of the film Fright Night and some of Fright Night Part 2 (mainly the severed head from the bowling ball return gag) kept my ire at bay. So Drexell's Class it is.

Oh man, I've had such a hard day at the office, I can't believe my asshole boss made me work overtime. Hell, I wasn't even able to catch Herman's Head this week. Oh well, I'm sure whatever is on afterwards at the good ol' FOX Network is worthwhile. They're so EDGY! You have to capitalize EDGY because FOX trademarked the proper spelling. Well, let's see what's on by checking out...

Oh my god, what a concept, a channel that tells you what's on. It's like a guide that helps you preview television shows before you watch them. Like a preview guide. Or even a Prevue Guide. And it's in space. Holy shit. Motherfuckers be tripping on the moon and shit. So what's on FOX right now?

It's Drexell's Class, shithead!

I'm going to have to write to the prevue guide people and tell them to go easy on the profanity. It might turn off the 55 and up demographic who are looking for Matlock. But wow, Drexell's Class. Don't you remember Dabney Coleman? He's back! THE Dabney Coleman? From such golden classic big time moviefilms like Tootsie, and WarGames, and Young Doctors in Love, and the movie version of Dragnet where Dan Aykroyd was Joe Friday's bastard son who was all impotent and didn't like to have sex with women and then banged the flat-chested lesbian girl from Baywatch at the end, and The Muppets Take Manhattan, and Meet the Applegates! Meet the fuckin' Applegates! They were giant bugs! Motherfuckin' grasshoppers! They bite heads after mating! Most people just smoke cigarettes, but these fuckers are hardcore! And Dabney Coleman was in the middle of it! And now those psychotic powers that be are putting this baby-eating sociopath in a class full of children? Insanity! Brutality! No, that's Foxtality!

Can't you see I'm fuckin' serious? I will decapitate this chicken if you don't give me a class full of children to teach. Well, I'm going to decap the chicken either way, but I still want a class to teach! Yeah, I say decap because I don't need to fuck around with extra syllables.

Whatever you do, don't give a teaching job! What? You did! Okay, okay, that's fine. He'll be perfectly harmless in a nice TA job or something, just don't make him the head teacher. What? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you even aware of the horrors this man is capable of? Just ask this lost soul...

"Dabney Coleman ruined my life. He forced me to watch 9 to 5 everyday during those previously mentioned hours. He was nightmarish like that. He finished every sentence with 'or the Colemonster will fuck with your world.' And he did. The booty-clapping. Oh mother of god the booty-clapping."

Even now not a day passes where I don't walk the streets and find somewhere, anywhere, a tear-stained memorial that reads: Drexell's Class, never forget. And we never did forget, and we never will. What was going on in the heads of the Fox Networks execs we may never know, but one things is for certain. We haven't seen the last of Dabney Coleman bloody campaign against all that is good and pure. He won't stop until every inch of the world is blackened by his hatred. And it's horrific realities like that that keep Jason Biggs up at night.

Uncalled-for Ridicule, Part 1. HEAT!wave.

2007-10-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

Your eyes do not deceive you, kiddies! I am back with a blistering vengeance! Now I know what you're thinking, "Eric, you haven't written in so long because you're lazy and not even remotely interested in being a film critic because it really is a pointless concept altogether."

EVERYBODY: "It really is a pointless concept." If you don't get that reference, shame on you.

And for your information, I wasn't blogging because my last entry claimed that I was a new man and was no longer interested in making fun of people who have far more money and power than I'll ever dream of. As you could guess, it was an elaborate act and I was just taking time off to accentuate the authenticity. Duh. So I figured I'd make my triumphant return (the third one this year) by introducing a new thing in the ol' blog. I'm in a saucy mood and fixing to give some well-deserved jabs at cheeseball mainstream movies that I'll probably never get around to seeing in the first place. So without further adieu, brace yourselves for...
HEAT!

Unleashing two of the greatest gods of Hollywood onto a wholly undeserving world, this is HEAT! Can you feel the HEAT! The HEAT! is rising in here! But don't turn it down, 'cuz this HEAT! sure feels good!

Wow look at that poster art! Who would have thought this concept would have even been possible? The DeNiro and the Pacino, together, sitting in the same room, pretending to have a conversation about something while a camera is rolling, with a director figuring out how to assemble that footage into a possible narrative structure that people can watch in a theatrical type setting! But we're going to stop there, no that would be just childish and slovenly. We're going to up the ante! You do like to up the ante, don't you? Well, don't you, faggot! We're gonna smack up the ante like the dirty little whore that it is by making DeNiro a bank robber and Pacino a cop! What? Are you crazy? The point is of no return and you just crossed it! Fuck this, there's no turning back now. We're on the express elevator to hell...........(wait for it)........GOING DOWN! Did you see what I did? It's a metaphor, the elevator is. The idea is unthinkable. What's going to happen when these two cinematic titans collide? It's physically impossible for them to be in the same room together without the world exploding out of sheer awesomeness. We're not even talking about metaphorical HEAT! This is real HEAT! and someone is gonna end up scorched! It's a David and Goliath situation. Only this time David is Tony Montana and he's even more pissed off than ever!

"Did you see Scarface? Of course you did! Everybody did! Did you like it? No shit, you liked it! You loved it! Not loving that movie is globally outlawed, like whaling. You can't hunt for whales or not love Scarface! You worship that fuckin' movie! You worship me! Because I am Tony Montana! You want to be like me! But you'll never be like me, you worthless Jersey guido! So just shut up and keep buying all that sweet sweet Scarface merchandise. Oliver Stone thought I was crazy when I secured the t-shirt sales. FUCK HIM! 'Cuz I'm in HEAT! This is the pinnacle of my career! HEAT! Even the title is creative."

Freeze-frame? More like HEAT!-frame! HEAT!-Frame! Dunt dunt dunt, da dunt, dunt dunt!

Are you talking about burning the candle at both ends? Bullshit on that faggoty-fagman fagtivity! We throw that motherfucking candle into the motherfucking fire! We do that by giving Val Kilmer a haircut and making him DeNiro's henchman.

"I'm fucking Val Kilmer, bitch! No, fuck that! I'm Cullen Crisp from Kindergarten Cop! I fucked that old motherfucker up for the toy train set! That's how badass I am! A fucking train set! They named this movie after me. I am the HEAT they speak of. It's me who's providing it! Because I'm hot, like a volcano! A fucking volcano! I'm Jim fucking Lizard King Morrison! Light my fucking fire, you fuck! Feel my HEAT! My ASS HEAT!, that is! HEAT! from ass, that's what I'm trying to say."

This is too much HEAT! for one movie! The screen is gonna light on fire! It's okay to shout fire in this crowded theater, 'cuz there's so much HEAT! going on! Wait, let's turn up the HEAT! even more with...

Hen-ry Roll-ins! *clap clap, clap-clap-clap* Hen-ry Roll-ins! *clap clap, clap-clap-clap*
"HA HA HA HAAAA! Sucker! Sucker! I am a HEATER! Yeah, I'm a HEATER! I'll rip your mind out, I'll burn your soul!"
When this silver screen battle royale goes down, things are really gonna HEAT! up! Somebody better turn on the AC, 'cuz here comes the HEAT! Forecast calls for a sudden HEAT!wave! Come on feel the HEAT! If you can't HEAT! 'em, join 'em! You are what you HEAT! Wash, rinse, re-HEAT!

HEAT! Rated R. Coming soon. Next year, be on the lookout for HEAT! Part 2: Burnin' for You! On DVD and Blu-Ray. Coming soon.

Review - Stardust

2007-08-29T08:16:00.000-07:00

As you may have noticed by the addition of indentations in my paragraphs, you are reading the blog entry of a new man. The Eric you once knew is no more. Gone are the slanderous comments and oafish defamations of a pitiful little man whose verbal venom was merely a transparent smoke-screen to shield his own inability to achieve success as a filmmaker. Perhaps it was my inattentive parents or a sour high school relationship that I was never able to let go, but something caused me to transform into the bitter misanthrope I am, content to tearing down what others have poured their heart into. But a week-long crash course of transcendental meditation, group therapy, and herbal remedies have led me to realize the error of my ways. And I shall illustrate this by today's review.
Hey, fantasy queers! Do you like movies that have a sense of wonder? Do you like movies where everybody wears powdered wigs and the main plot always concerns some sort of magical jewel or artifact? Even better, do you like unicorns? Were you one of those pitiful closet-cases in high school who found solace from your daily beatings in Dungeons and Dragons. Did you occasionally get carried away and envision yourself riding a magical unicorn through green pastures accompanied by fairies and magical nymphs? Then did you wake up and realize you were on top of your family dog and those fairies were just flies that were attracted by the smell of your own filth? Well, have I got a movie for you! Put on your wings, gaze into your ancient scepter and go see Stardust! The movie where everything is covered in unicorn semen!
Okay, okay, serious this time. Despite all my knee-jerk reactions to these type of films, I actually caught myself being fairly entertained. I came in the theater (about five minutes late) with the best expectations. It occurred to me that this could be a film reminiscent of such 80s semi-classic fantasies like Labyrinth, Legend or The Neverending Story. I was pretty much in retro-mode for this viewing experience. In addition to the retro factor, for some bizarre and repulsive reason, I was intrigued because I was under the impression that this was a unicorn movie. I must be getting soft in my old age if I'm willing to view a film based on the possibility of seeing a white horse with a cheap plastic horn glued to its forehead. Well, let me clear the air by saying that this is NOT a unicorn movie. There is indeed a unicorn but it only has two appearances, and while they are great scenes, it's not enough to label Stardust as a unicorn movie. But despite my disappointment at the lack of unicorns, I still found Stardust to be a well-made, well-acted fantasy movie with good characters and a good sense of humor.
The story almost plays out like a gangster-caper movie, in that there's a large ensemble cast who are trying to claim possession of some coveted item for various reasons. Our main hero, Tristan (Charlie Cox) wants to claim a falling star as a way to claim his love for Victoria (Sienna Miller). What he didn't expect is that stars are actually shaped quite a bit like humans, in this case shaped like Claire Danes. After some bickering and convincing, Yvaine, the star, agrees to come with Tristan in exchange for his help to get back in the sky. Unfortunately, also after Yvaine are a trio of witches who would love nothing more than to eat her heart for eternal youth and beauty, led by Lamia (Michelle Pfeiffer, in various stages of beautiful and monstrously fugly). Also on the warpath for the falling star are a group of spoiled rotten princes (Mark Strong, Jason Flemyng, and Mark Heap) who need to retrieve the jeweled necklace that their dad (a less than foppy Peter O'Toole) launched into the sky, causing Yvaine to fall in the first place. So what follows is an odyssey involving all sorts of crazy characters, including Robert DeNiro as a not so grizzled sky pirate. Yes, I said sky pirate. A pirate in the sky. And be sure not to blink or else you'll miss the unicorn. It's supposed to be a movie for all ages, so as you can guess things turn out just fine in the end.
All in all, I thought Stardust was a solid fantasy film. The plot and characters were quite excellent and it had that whimsy as hell charm I remember from the movies I liked as a kid. My criticisms are that the outcome was quite predictable, the filmmakers went a tad overboard on the special effects, and for a family film there was a rather large body count. But all in all, I was very entertained and am now curious to see Vaughn's other film Layer Cake, which I had missed but heard good things about. Apparently he's attached to direct a film version of Marvel's Thor. If Stardust is any indication, he's just the man for the job.

Review - Superbad.

2007-08-22T19:44:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes, yes, my little sucklings, I have returned. It's been way too long since my last movie review, but things have been hectic as usual and I just haven't been able to get out to the theaters that much. My work schedule hasn't even allowed me to keep up with my Netflix movies, that Kid Dynamite documentary has been sitting on my desk for over a month. Sorry kids, but when it comes to priorities, I have to put Michael Bolton and LeAnn Rimes over movie reviews. And while I enjoyed both Transformers and The Simpsons Movie, I just didn't feel like writing about them. But don't worry, I've returned yet again to give you my half-baked, wholly misguided musings about the world of film.

So let's just dive into this. There has been one genre of film that has always had a special place in my heart, but has unfortunately been met by critics with mostly scorn. The potential has been huge for a teenage sex comedy to rise above its mainstream expectations and actually say something genuine to go along with the toilet humor, but more often than not, the filmmakers go the tomato route and focus mostly on the toilet humor and bouncing breasts. It's too bad, in fact, it's "superbad"! WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA! Anyways, it's too bad because the teenage sex comedy, if done well, can be a movie that can appeal to nearly everyone. If we aren't young, we've all been there at one point and can relate to the trials and tribulations of that weirdly awkward phase where we have all these raging hormones and don't know what to do with them. Teenage sex comedies are a lot like pizza, everybody makes them, but only a select few recipes are worth trying. With every Mom and Pop cornerstore slice (Superbad), you're bound to come across at least 20-30 Domino's (American Wedding). Sure, just focusing on the superficial elements of the genre can occasionally churn out some entertaining results like Eurotrip, but we need some character and heart, not just fart jokes!

The plot to Superbad is retardedly simple, one could get it confused with Porky's, only without the strip club and elaborate revenge scheme (and the racist overtones). It's two misfits kids trying to get laid. That's it. Two kids trying to get laid. Wait a minute, shouldn't they get into some kind of sticky situation involving the assistant principal's Ferrari or the farmer's daughter? No, they're just trying to get laid. But shouldn't they have to raise a ridiculous amount of money in an incredibly small amount of time in order to save their youth center? Please, stop calling me. No, they are just some nerdy kids who are trying to have sex with a woman. Probably the best thing is that the film is so straightforward with its intentions. It's a teen movie, and a good one. Much like how Sixteen Candles was a wacky odyssey colliding all the crazy characters together, so is Superbad. Our heroes get into several crazy situations while on their mission to find their mecca, only in this case mecca is a woman's vagina, and for them the key is copious amounts of alcohol. Sounds sexist as hell, I know, but believe when I say the film has a whole lot of heart. I'll just leave it at that as I try my best to not give away too much of the film in these reviews. But seriously, Superbad is a teen movie in which the characters are genuine and the obvious scenarios don't always pop up. But of course, the tried and true themes are explored here, such as the value of friendship and the impending separation of such friendship. It would be so cliched if it wasn't just so damn true. Jonah Hill and Michael Cera have natural comedic ability, even though during the scene where Cera was finally hooking up with the girl o' his dreams, I wanted to shout "George Michael, you belong with Maeby!" But it's good to see that he's been able to get a good career started after the premature demise of Arrested Development. A television actor moving to film? Insane.

So there, I liked the hell out of Superbad. Let me end this review by just saying I am furiously jealous of Seth Rogen. He is the man, he is making movies, he's writing them, he's funny and talented as all hell, and he's my same age and is about as physically attractive as I am! When will I get my time? It's not fair!

Okay, okay, no sour grapes. Let's sign off with a !!VIDEO PICK OF THE WEEK!! *cue trumpets, sound of lion mauling a human to death* I've been on a Kevin Smith kick recently, and there's no reason why you shouldn't be either. Go revisit Mallrats! Time has been good to this film. It was probably a bad idea to follow up Clerks with this, but after so many years people have realized that it's just a plain good 20something slacker comedy. Maybe it's just the grotesque decline in movie standards, but that's really all you can ask for.

Review - Hostel Part II

2007-06-09T13:47:00.000-07:00

Coming in, I was absolutely positively sure that Hostel Part II was going to out-class the original film in every single way. Violence, storyline, production value, it was gonna up the ante in every way possible. There was no doubt in my mind. How could I be so sure you ask? Simple question with a simple answer: because the title not only uses the long antiquated yet very classy "part" in its title, it also uses the roman numeral II instead of the more common 2. That is the watermark of a film with pure class, like The Godfather Part II or Weekend at Bernie's II.

I've made no bones about it. I am an Eli Roth fan. A huge one. I love his films and I believe he's one of the more intelligent and charismatic directors around today. I like directors that actually have personalities. It's disappointing to see some people's films and then when they start talking they tend to stare at their shoes. Much like his apparent mentor Tarantino, Roth has become somewhat of a vocal mouthpiece for genre filmmaking. When I was supposed to see him in a panel discussion only to learn that he canceled due to illness, I cursed the heavens. Then of course I praised the heavens after learning that his last minute replacement was the Rider of Strong. And all was well in the universe.

Okay, okay, so how was the movie. Well, as you may have noticed, not only do I comment on the actual film itself, but also my theater experience. These experiences can vary from orgasmic (Alamo Drafthouse) to downright headache-inducing (Chautauqua Mall) and this was one of those times. Not 60 seconds into the film, somebody's phone rings. Now, I'm not an unreasonable man, so when somebody's phone rings in a movie theater all will be forgiven if said person discreetly and quickly turns off the phone, minimizing the disruption. Fine, it's a mistake everybody makes at one point. But a recent trend I've been noticing in my local shithouse, don't give a fuck about the art form movie theaters, several mongoloid morons actually take the call! They will answer the damn phone and have a loud fucking conversation while a theater full of people are trying to watch a damn movie they paid 9 dollars for. This needs to stop. My movie theaters are being taken over by white trash, mouth-breathing, pants with stupid straps-wearing, "can you believe Ozzfest is free?", "this is my life and I'll do what I want, I don't give a fuck", Britney Spears-mentality embracing, Dubya-loving retards. FUCK THIS SHIT! FUCK THE NEW WORLD ORDER! FUCKING THE GOVERNMENT! FUCKING ANARCHY!

Alright alright, let's get back on track. How's the fuckin' movie? Well, within the first half hour or so I was a tad wary. Things started to look really familiar for a long time. We see some girls on vacation for some reason, somebody talks them into going to Slovakia, they hop on the first train. At one point, they ask about where they should stay and suddenly DANT DANT DANT! They go to the HOSTEL! At this point I was terrified. Not because of the actual movie, but because the movie I was highly anticipating was turning into nothing more than a carbon copy of the original. Things were not looking very good. However, what I wasn't noticing was that while I was being diverted by the good-looking girls heading for destruction, there was something else going on. We saw something else. In the first Hostel film, the danger is still a bit of a mystery. Eli Roth would have been foolish to try and rebuild that mystery and instead gives us complete disclosure on what's going on inside the operation. We get to see how the people killing people industry works. We see the bidding, the sales, but most of all, we see the customers. Oh boy, do we ever. Hostel Part II takes what was probably the creepiest scene of the first film and expands it into a whole subplot. I'm not very sure if Hostel Part II is actually a sequel or more of an improved remake. Yes, improved remake. I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but it's possible.

Now the violence. Some people are going to see this as a negative, but the violence in Hostel Part II was much less of a centerpiece than the first film, which I thought was great. Granted, this film is probably just as if not more violent than the first, but there is much less relishing of the violent moment. The deaths are quicker and not as drawn out, but still gruesome and effective as hell. While some gorehounds will be disappointed, all I can say is that graphic violence is merely one color a filmmaker has in their palette and that even the most graphic horror films such as Cannibal Holocaust have things such as story and characters to back it up. Also, grow the fuck up.

So, while I was apprehensive at first about where this film was going, it managed to pay off big time. Things get nice and sick and once again there is no happy ending for all involved. Eli Roth has grown as a director in such a short period of time. His attention to detail and changes in aesthetic are clearly evident. And I must say thank you very much for bringing back the Desk Clerk Jedi, quite possibly the creepiest character in the film, and he's not even an actor. I like Hostel Part II, quite possibly the greatest movie ever to carry the "Part II" tag besides Deep Throat Sluts Meet the Backdoor Babes Part II.

Rating: \m/

And as a video pick of the week, how about the Minor Threat Live DVD? Take a trip back to the time when punk was supposed to mean something, before it was commercially diluted by greedy Madison Avenue slime and punk traitors who wanted to cash in on their counter-culture of choice.

Review - Hot Fuzz.

2007-04-29T19:32:00.000-07:00

Hello, I'm the average movie goer. Perhaps we've met. I was the one who wouldn't stop talking while you were trying to enjoy the special screening of a renowned french new wave film. Sorry about that, but I really thought "The 400 Blows" was the new Steven Seagal film "400 Bullets." It's the movie theater's fault, really. They should have made it specific that it was a different movie and that you had to read during it. That really bothers me. If I want to read, I'll get a book. Although reading tends to make my head hurt. I'm so tired of being told that movies are supposed to make people think. I just want to be entertained. I don't want anything that looks unpleasant or questions my personal beliefs or makes me want to reappraise my entire way of thinking. That's just way too hard to handle. Just give me something that's easy to swallow and isn't more than 90 minutes long. Actually, that seems like a really long time too. Movies shouldn't be longer than 20 minutes. In fact, movies should be as short as possible and available on Youtube, because that's the future of entertainment, right? We the people, (that's from a historical document) don't need entertainment that offers substance or originality, we want one-note gags and stale, banal situations that's already been done one hundred times before but since we weren't born yet it's completely new now. We are the generation and we demand to be heard. We demand the freedom to choose...who wins American Idol. Suck my cock, you mouth-breathing, republican voting, done gitting, blind conformist suckers of the big fat corporate cock. Fuck your America, if that's what America means. To paraphrase Bill Hicks, we are "a virus with shoes."

So what did this long-winded rant have to do with my reaction to the new film by Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright? Well, not much. But for some reason, as I was in the theater, being surrounded by the Abercrombie and Fitch cracker automatons who all look the same, I imagined that this is what what was going through their little Dubyanomics-brainwashed minds. But let's get on with the review. This isn't Pitchfork, I'm not going to glorify my "skills" as a reviewer by subjecting you to a "conceptual review", as if rating something on a scale of one to ten requires any sort of skill. Take that hipster shit and shove up your ass.

Now let's get to Gene Shalit mode. (puts on goofy mustache) Hot damn! Hot Fuzz is a hot ticket! We have action, we have offbeat characters, we have dry British humor, we have some way over the top violence and gore, and to top it all off, they throw in a nod to that insanely melodramatic scene in "Point Break". Although I must say, this film isn't as good as their previous effort "Shaun of the Dead". Compared to Shaun, Fuzz wanes in the humor department. It's still funny, just not in the rapid fire, blink and you'll miss seven jokes manner of Shaun. Once again, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost flex their onscreen chemistry and Edgar Wright shows that he not only has a flair for comedic timing but also a flair for delivering some wicked visuals and a well-paced story. I know I'm not alone when I say that I anxiously await the feature version of "Don't".

Oh, you know what. I just love freakin' Scarface. It's such a cool freakin' movie, isn't it? It's like such a cool movie because it's just so freakin' good. There's a lot of freakin' substance to it, right? It's like an independent film, isn't it. I just love the part where he gets the guns and says "Say hello to my little friend" and starts freakin' shooting everybody. That's so freakin' cool.

25% review, 75% rant. New record.

Why, Grindhouse? Why?

2007-04-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

I felt strangely compelled to write a follow-up to my review for Grindhouse. The Eric that wrote that review resembled that of an overly-energetic 12 year old boy who just got the final UPC he needs to send in for the official Karate Kid headband (actually, I just got it online). He had hope for the future of cinema. Today, Eric is back to his grizzled, cynical, misanthropic self. Granted my prediction proved true, "Grindhouse" did indeed make more money than "The Reaping", but unfortunately they only pulled in $12 million. More money than any of us have ever seen, but only a nickel in the bucket for the evil Weinsteins. And of course, the so-called "insiders" at movie geek websites are already coming up with reasons as to why "Grindhouse" didn't make the money we all thought it should have.

One popular reason is that the movie-going public just didn't get the idea of a double feature. Read that again. Didn't. Understand. A. Double. Feature. Whoa, dude, that's like, a lot of words for me. I'm going to go back to playing Halo. Granted, there's a good load of inside references for the geeks in Grindhouse, but the main concept of the two movies are not that deep. A zombie movie and a guy who kills with his car. Holy shit, it's so multi-layered and complicated, just thinking about it gives me a headache. It's Quentin Tarantino, not Salvador Dali.

The only reason Grindhouse didn't make much money as predicted is because of the Easter holiday. People were busy with family celebrating the worthless death and fake resurrection of a 2,000 year old corpse. Here's a radical idea! How about before we make all this speculation and circulating news about Harvey wanting to split the movie in two, let's see how it does the next weekend!

My grindhouse dreams are shattered. I thought Rodriguez and Tarantino had started a new exploitation and it was my destiny to keep it going. No more. Well, I'll still keep writing Labor Day and The Violence of Mr. Phibes. And please, Mr. Weinstein, please take the time to think before attacking any more films with your magic scissors.

That's all for now, I'm going to rent either Porky's or Black Christmas. Bob Clark RIP.

Review - Grindhouse.

2007-04-06T17:34:00.000-07:00

Grindhouse. Grindhouse. Grindhouse. It just rolls off the tongue doesn't it? I love saying the word. It conjures up beautiful images of urine-stained floors and homeless people sleeping in the back row. The hooker-filled 42nd Street before it was overhauled into a tourist-friendly hellhole by Rudolph Giuliani. This was a theater unlike any other. No multiplexes or recliner seats and most certainly no pretentious hipsters talking on their cell phones, just begging for a nice firm elbow to the bridge of their nose. Never mind that the damn previews reminded us several times to turn the fucking thing off, they're still on their phone because they just absolutely HAVE to tell someone their worthless opinion on the new Muse album (which probably sucks, anyway). But I digress, this isn't a column about my problems with the current trends in lame whitey culture, it's about how awesome it is to witness the film experience that is Grindhouse.

Unfortunately I'm too young to ever experience the authentic grindhouse experience. The closest thing to a grindhouse for me was the old Wintergarden Theater in Jamestown. While it was an appropriately grimy movie theater, complete with a rancid bathroom and the occasional bat flying past the screen, the movies I saw there were more mainstream fare such as "City Slickers" and "Dances With Wolves". To this day I still believe that dragging your 7 year old to watch Kevin Costner's biggest assault on humanity (well, except The Postman) is some form of vicious child abuse. Fortunately, while I missed the theater experience, I've been able to hunt down DVDs of those infamous films, such as Lucio Fulci's "Zombie", "They Call Her One Eye", "Faster Pussycat Kill Kill", "Deathrace 2000". I have really become enamored with this form of fringe cinema, which makes Tarantino and Rodriguez's "Grindhouse" a much more personal and extra special experience for me.

First, we start off with a faux trailer for "Machete", starring cinema's modern badass, Danny Trejo. Like a Mexican counterpart for Charles Bronson, Machete kicks ass, takes no names, and gets all the women. This over the top trailer sets the mood for the entertainment that is to come, and I must say we desperately need a real Machete movie.

Now the first feature, Robert Rodriguez's "Planet Terror". There is not a single frame of this film that is not full of unbridled energy, and I'll bet the missing frames were pretty good too. Non-stop, balls to the wall, zombie action. What? You thought the concept of a woman with a machine gun leg is silly? Then get the hell out of my theater and go congregate with all the other posers, you poser. The amount of over the top zombie gore in "Planet Terror" just might even rival that of Peter Jackson's "Dead Alive".

Then some more trailers, Edgar Wright contributes the very British "Don't" and pretty much pegs the concept of an American made trailer for a European horror film. No attempt to summarize the plot, just shot after shot of outrageous horror-ness and a gratuitous use of the fog machine. Rob Zombie steps up big time with "Werewolf Women of the SS." I won't say much, but if Grindhouse was just three hours of a blank screen with those few precious seconds of Nicolas Cage laughing maniacally with the goofy Fu Manchu facial hair, it would definitely be more entertaining than any Pirates of the Caribbean movie. And how can anyone forget Eli Roth's "Thanksgiving". I really want these movies to get made.

Next comes what I think will be the more divisive part of the film in the eyes of the average movie-goer (in other words, complete morons). Tarantino's Death Proof marks the return to form of the movie world's leading badass, Kurt Russell. Talking like John Wayne and unexplicably wearing a silver jacket with the Icy Hot logo on it (yeah, I don't get it either), Kurt Russell is a walking nightmare who gets off on killing young women with his souped up car. One little thing I loved about this one was its Austin setting. I was slightly excited upon seeing the Alamo Drafthouse and hearing a character refer to Antone's, two places I visited last month. Death Proof is much more deliberately paced than Rodriguez's fast moving gorefest, which is why I think said complete morons might not like it, the same way those same complete morons were disappointed with Kill Bill Vol. 2. Now, please hold on here, ladies and gentlemen. Tarantino's half of Grindhouse actually has...dialogue and character exposition. Wow, when will Tarantino realize that the average movie-goer doesn't like to think and patiently wait for the action to occur? Well, it's their loss, because when the sporadic bursts of action do occur, they're totally worth it.

Needless to say, I loved this movie. I know I'm in the habit of giving only positive reviews, but that's because I only write about the movies that are worth mentioning. Grindhouse is a balls-out throwback to the glory days of exploitation that gets me all warm inside. I'll probably see this movie a million more times before it gets to DVD. A soon to be classic that will hopefully wipe the floor with The Reaping this weekend.

Typical, obligatory SXSW write-up.

2007-03-14T20:50:00.000-07:00

After getting my much needed post-jet lag power nap, I am now able to report on my experience at the SXSW film festival.

This was my first time in Austin, let alone anywhere in the southern US. I wasn't expecting any of the usual southern stereotypes of crazy rednecks dragging people behind trucks, and fortunately I was welcomed by a community of incredibly nice folks. In Jamestown, I'm treated to a textbook redneck display every five minutes. I didn't see a single person during my week stay who would fall into the category. Before leaving I mentioned that I wouldn't even be that disappointed if SXSW ended up canceled because I was most looking forward to the weather. Well, it was a good thing it was still one because the weather wasn't that great, as it rained at night. But let's get on with the festival.

And was it ever a festival. Never have I been more surrounded by so many filmmakers and film fanatics in one single room at a single time. So without further ado, here's some quick reviews of the films I saw. Pretty much everything I saw was totally awesome. Mind you, these little blurbs don't even come close to describing them.

Black Sheep - I challenge that there's nothing more hilarious than harmless looking sheep innocently grazing at the mutilated carcasses of humans. Greatly inspired by the early work of Peter Jackson and Sam Raimi, this New Zealand horrorfest has everything you want in a horror comedy, blood, monsters, quirky characters, evil scientists, and suggested bestiality.

The Ten - The new film by David Wain proves that the spirit of the State, his old sketch comedy team, is still alive and kicking. Ten stories loosely based on one of the Ten Commandments. Very hilarious is all I can really say, my favorite being the CAT scan vignette. Was able to say hi to David Wain afterwards. I could have gotten my picture taken with Paul Rudd or fellow State member Ken Marino, but seeing how he's a comedian/filmmaker/editor, he's pretty much a role model. I mentioned to him that as an aspiring comedian who is currently working as an editor of industrial videos, he gives me hope. I was mainly joking, but he told me to keep my eye on the prize, which I replied that I've never seen that documentary. He didn't get the joke.

Trigger Man - Ti West's followup to The Roost, a down and dirty, made on the cheap horror film about friends getting picked by a sniper.

Smiley Face - Anna Faris eats whole load of pot brownies. There's more to it, just see it yourself.

Borderland - Another down and dirty horror film, features Mikey from the Goonies as a creepy American expatriate. For waiting out in the rain, director Zev Berman gave us all a ticket for a free drink, class act if I've ever seen one.

Run Granny Run - Documentary follows Doris "Granny D" Haddock as she runs for US Senate without the benefit of soft money contributions. Inspiring stuff in a youth-obsessed society. Seeing her wipe the floor with her opponent in the debate is priceless.

Billy the Kid - Another documentary portrays small town outcast Billy as he philosophizes, courts his first love, and deals with the pain of not fitting in, yet never conforming. Inspiring, heart-breaking, and humorous. But you always laugh with Billy, never at him.

Undead or Alive - Zombie western comedy with Chris Kataan and Brian Posehn in a supporting role as a zombie. If that doesn't pique your interest, you're a lost cause.

And now, the more interesting panels I attended.

Panel of the Dead: Horror Films Today - apparently Eli Roth fell ill and was therefore unable to attend. In his absence was a program director of some sort from the Alamo Drafthouse and Rider Strong. Wait a minute did you say Rider Strong? THE Rider Strong? Yes, indeed. The man himself. The man who eats Chuck Norrises for breakfast. If anyone can be a proper replacement for one of my current favorite directors, it's Rider Strong. Just the name summons images of a claymore wielding warrior riding horseback, mowing down everything in sight. Despite Eli's absence, it was still a very entertaining panel, also featuring Zev Berman, director of Borderland, Ain't It Cool News' Harry Knowles, producer Lauren Moews, Behind the Mask director Scott Glosserman, and a film critic whose name escapes me.

Grindhouse 101 - Robert Rodriguez is still the man in case you were mistaken, and he gave us some insight on the Grindhouse way of filmmaking, showed us some exclusive footage, and we saw the top 3 finalists in the Grindhouse trailer contest. It was nice to see the winner, Hobo with a Shotgun, was the trailer that probably cost the least amount of money. Good for them. We also saw Eli Roth's faux trailer for Thanksgiving, which will probably have trouble getting past the censors. Later that day we saw Rodriguez's band, Chingon, play at Antone's. When will you ever get the chance to hear the Desperado theme played live?

Well, that's the bulk of it. I'll make the assumption that SXSW is the best damn film festival in the country. Free of all the Hollywood bullshit that has tainted Sundance and Cannes, SXSW is the crown jewel of film festivals for filmmakers by filmmakers. Hopefully next year I can at least get a short in and make the music festival as well. As I type this I'm probably missing performances by Against Me and the Stooges amongst numerous others. Allow me to close with some pics and also by saying that the Alamo Drafthouse is by far the greatest fucking movie theater in the world. It would be so just by their weekly free showings of classic grindhouse movies on Wednesdays, but they amp it up to 11 by offering a full menu and bar that you can enjoy while watching the movie. Simply amazing.

Some pics.

Me with writer/director/comedian David Wain.

Robert Rodriguez rocking out with Chingon.

Lovely Austin.

At the Torso/Zombie double feature.

Review - American Hardcore.

2007-03-07T20:11:00.000-08:00

I'll try to make this review quick. I'm torn between continuing to write a current screenplay, or to write this review about how every man, woman, and child needs to see this movie.

Where's the anger? That's a question I ask myself all the time. What happened to our country's mad as hell and not going to take it anymore spirit? We certainly have a right to do, with a president who by all moral standards should be taken to a town square, Mussolini style. Were we so pacified by the Clinton administration that nothing will piss us off anymore? Well, at least we have American Hardcore to remind us of one of the best examples of American anger.

I am a tad biased, but hardcore punk is probably some of the best music that has ever existed. It holds a special place in my heart. Everyone else can have their indie rock and their experimental albums about states of the union, but I am in heaven when I'm listening to my well-worn vinyl of the "Let Them Eat Jellybeans" comp, even the side with all the noisy art-punk stuff. As a young kid, I was one of those with the DKs t-shirts and occasionally blue hair and really thought I believed in anarchy. College taught me that it wasn't all that simple, but deep down I'm still that little punker who just wanted to circle pit. Minor Threat, Dead Kennedys, Black Flag, DOA. These bands were the soundtrack to my youth, while most kids were listening to stuff they probably regret, I can still for the most part revisit my old records with nothing but good feelings. Well, except for that awful Vanilla Ice comeback album someone taped for me.

American Hardcore is successful in that it is not primarily interested in preaching to the choir. Sure, those old school punks who don't bitch about how this or that band wasn't included will definitely be entertained, but director Paul Rachman and collaborator Steven Blush (based on the book of the same name), also seem to want to inform those who weren't around during the time. Occasionally, the film works almost like a how-to of hardcore punk. Of course, instead of focusing on worthless aspects like how to get the best mohawk and what bands you have to listen to, they get down to the bare bones concepts. Hardcore punk is pure, unadulterated, youthful anger in action.

There is one issue that I have with the film, which I also had with Mr. Blush's book ( it's one of those books you read bits and pieces of from your friends' copies but never get around to buying yourself). The film ends on a downer note where all interviewed punk rock veterans attempt to definitively state that hardcore punk is indeed dead. I beg to differ. To paraphrase KRS-One, hardcore is still a brand new tool. I can name a good number of current, active, and only recently inactive bands that are waving the hardcore flag high, and in some cases even outdoing their mentors (contact me if you would like a list). And I sure as hell am not talking about Good Charlotte or My Chemical Romance. Also, the concept of American Hardcore sounds rather limiting. I suggest a sequel called World Hardcore.

The editing of the film itself kept me enthralled. It looked like a punk film, thrown together, cut and pasted and photocopied like a crude show flyer, with defaced pictures of Reagan for good measure.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, you can throw out your old VHS copy of Decline of Western Civilization, because I think we might have a new definitive hardcore document. You can go ahead with your emo, your metalcore, your math metal, your irritating barrage of scream-sing-scream bands, but I'll always go back to my hardcore punk. It's still pure, it still kicks, it still kills. Nothing can change that.

American Hardcore doesn't get the horns. The horns is a heavy metal gesture which has been co-opted by everyone from Kelly Clarkson to your grandmother. Instead I give it an angry fist in the air and a big ol' stage dive.

IT'S BACK! Review - Pan's Labyrinth

2007-01-25T13:36:00.000-08:00

You can't keep a good bastard down, and that is why I've decided to revive Rabid About Film. Sure, doing film reviews on myspace was fine, but it just wasn't the same. I had the feeling that even though I was getting a slightly better readership (empasis on slightly), my only readers were Hot Topic pre-teen mallrats. And sir, that will just not do. So I'm back, and I'm more pissed off than ever, and what better way to celebrate my triumphant return to the blogging fold than to review a good movie?

Right off the bat I should probably mention that before I went to the theater to see Pan's Labyrinth, me and some friends had dinner at a rib joint. Allow me to mark in the books that eating ribs before entering a darkened movie theater is a huge mistake. Despite the fact that I was being subjected to an incredibly engrossing film with a great story and characters, I was struggling to stay awake due to the barbeque-induced tranquilizers, not to mention the neverending battle with the notorious "mud-butt." Dave Chappelle was right.

A small, seemingly invisible film sub-genre is the "adult fairy tale." These films, while full of images and subject matter one would deem "fantastical," are also supposedly aimed toward mature adults. While this is most certainly the intention, the majority of these films fall flat on their face but still succeed at capturing the imagination of the 12 to 16 Hot Topic mallrat demographic. Tim Burton, I'm looking right at you. Grow up, you Peter Panism-suffering hack! And get a haircut! You look like a pedophile!

What? I was reviewing a film? Oh yeah, that. Well, this film avoids those trappings. How? By offering a theme besides the tired, bloated, beast called "stay young at heart." The theme being that of fascism. And unfortunately, something like "think positive" or "all you need is love" doesn't tie this story up all nice in a bow. This is the first adult fairy tale type film I've seen where an adult really can watch it. This is a thinking person's horror-fantasy. It's not just fancy CGI and "sweeping" style. There's a lot more, so much that one post-rib feast viewing could not comprehend it all.

The plot involves a young girl whose mother marries a man who just happens to be a high ranking capitan in Franco's Spain (my history is rusty but I believe that's after the Spanish Civil War). The young girl, Ofelia, is lost in a world of fairy tales and happy endings. Then one night she literally finds herself in a fairy tale world, where she's assigned to perform these tasks in order to claim her throne as princess of a strange far off world. However, the horrible realities around her seem to be keeping her from being in her own world.

I feel weird reviewing this film after only seeing it once, as I know it's rich in metaphor that I've most likely only grasped half of. This is an intelligent, thoughtful film for people who can use their brains and also can tolerate read subtitles. And to paraphrase the great Manowar, if you're not into subtitles, you are not my friend.

Most likely one of the best films of this year. Please see it. Pardon me for getting all nostalgic, but it's been so long since I've given movies my own patented rating system. Therefore, Guillermo del Toro's Pan's Labyrinth gets a big set of curly HORNS!

And while I'm on a roll. Let's do a good old fashioned !::VIDEO PICK OF THE WEEK::! *cue trumpets, hog squealing in pain* For this week, do yourself a favor and pick up The Life Aquatic. I've always had a soft spot for Bill Murray, and I've been more than thrilled to see the recent surge in his acting career. Bill Murray rules, and Sean Penn is just a worthless punk whom nobody cares about his equally worthless trip to Iraq. In fact, watch any Bill Murray movie you want, though I'd advise to stay away from Larger Than Life or The Man Who Knew Too Little.

Okay, that's Rabid About Film, and for those who stole my name, your day will come, and it will be filled with a healthy dose of Indian burns.

Review - Clerks II.

2006-07-26T21:29:00.000-07:00

Past his prime. Running out of ideas. The novelty is wearing off. Pandering to his original core fans. Desperately trying to relive the past. Just another sellout. I can make better films than he can, in fact, I have a screenplay. Would you like to read it?

No, no, no, perhaps, no, no, no, and not in a million damn years.

The period from post-Dogma to post-Jersey Girl has been pretty rocky for Kevin Smith. His fans have turned on him worse than Lucas. And amidst all the negative feedback, message board troll attacks, and one film that went down faster than (insert favor oral sex joke here), what does he do? He makes a sequel to the movie that made him famous. Pretty lame, huh? Well, it should be. Pretty cliched John Hughes-esque dialogue, right? Well, yeah. Pretty predictable ending where everything is tied up with a nice little bow, right? Damn right it is. And to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. Now perhaps I am a little biased about this film, since I was able to relate to it so much, being a recent college graduate and full-time slacker, but I found Clerks II incredibly satisfying as it brings more depth to the characters we've all come to love more than ten years ago.

The premise is quite simple, what happens to a twentysomething slacker when they turn 30? Well, that's pretty much happened to Dante and Randal. Although they've recently changed jobs from Quick Stop to Mooby's, they're pretty much the same guys from 1995. They still deal with the asshole customers, jerks who want special orders, oversensitive black people, and the occasional high school buddy who has it a lot better than they do. Fortunately, Dante has found a way out, he's got a hot fiance and a new job in Florida. He's got it made, but is that REALLY what he wants? Randal is the same Randal, but he occasionally feels the bite of old age too, especially when former high school nerds and current internet millionaires walk into Mooby's. What follows is a great resolution to Dante and Randal as they try to figure exactly what it is they want in life, instead of what's expected of them.

Forgive me for getting personal with this review, but I think it's necessary. Being a college graduate, I feel stuck in a rut like poor ol' Dante. Working at the same job I've been working at for years, still living in your home town, and no sign of self-improvement in sight. Apparently people like me are supposed to move out and find a lucrative job with an evil corporation. That's what everybody else is doing, and that's what I have to do. But as much as I don't want to live the rest of my life doing nothing more than rent movies, see concerts, and make crude jokes, I'd rather do that than become something I'm not.

And that's pretty much why I liked Clerks II so much. It's basic message is that success has nothing to do with how much money you make, how much you size up to your peers, or even really how much you changed. Just ask yourself, is this really where you want to be? If not, do something about it, but don't bother shoving someone else's lifestyle down your throat.

Therefore, I hereby jump off the Kevin Smith haters bandwagon. While making Clerks II was a bit of a cheap move, he did something. He expanded the characters and gave them a new chapter in life. That's pretty much what sequels should be.

Review - Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic. (Sarcasm on)

2006-06-26T22:16:00.000-07:00

Since Sarah Silverman's concert/sketch/musical film was actually released a while ago (it did make its way to a theater in Buffalo, but I missed it), I'm not going to write a review myself. Instead treat yourself to an insightful write-up by a member of the film world's most sophisticated, knowledgeable, cultured, and intelligent online community, the Internet Movie Database.

This message was posted by a scholarly gent named ManicMuse. I looked up this name and found they had a masters in linguistics from Columbia. The title of this essay is "Who does this chick know..." I can only put up an exerpt because since it was used for their dissertation, it's considered scholarly literature.

she must know someone cuz she freakin sucks. I wasn't sure if she sucked before Now I am sure she really does suck It's like she is offensive because she knows she is so boring stop trying to shock because it's just annoying and was she freakin' singing?????!!!!! Oh my F!ckin ears!!! if she were even remotely funny she would be famous right now an unhomely jewish girl kinda young but instead most people would ask for their money back or say "oh, she's funny", as they force out a chuckle sympathy laughs or worse, the smug laughter of intellectuals making a statement, or racists letting it all hang out

I decided to not proofread the exerpt in order to preserve the author's original intent.

I wanted to highly recommend Jesus is Magic. I wanted to say that Sarah Silverman is funny, smart, clever, and quite ballsy. I wanted to say the meshing of live standup with musical numbers and sketches was refreshing from the usual straight ahead stand-up film. But after carefully reading and interpreting this powerful statement of the times, I am retracting my recommendation. Sarah Silverman is just getting cheap laughs by making shocking statements and using her cuteness to get away with it. And finally, women, or as ManicMuse says, chicks, can't do comedy. Ladies, leave the comedy to seasoned professionals like Dane Cook, Gallagher, Jeff Foxworthy, Jerry Seinfeld, Larry the Cable Guy, and other comedic masters who know how to use the tried and true techniques of making shallow observations about how black people are different from white people, along with loud obnoxious noises and sincere hateful statements at queers and arabs. Oh and Dave Barry! I just love his send-ups of life's little foibles!

Sarah Silverman, why can't you just be content with being Jimmy Kimmel's girlfriend? Why do you have to insist upon being an individual human being and making your own projects?

Oh yeah, another good master comedy technique is making endless references to movies and television shows from the 1980s. Constantly, without remorse. There doesn't even have to be a point to it. Just say "Teen Wolf 2" and you'll get some laughs. Guaranteed!

Fuck 'em all. (rant ahead)

2006-06-15T20:53:00.000-07:00

Fuck all remakes. You heard me. Fuck them all. Even the good ones. They're meaningless. They do nothing. There is no point in remaking a movie. It is stupid. You have to be the dumbest motherfucker on earth to want to remake a film. You have to possess a creative ability of zero to want to do a remake. You are not a creative person. You have no independent thought. You cannot think for yourself. You cannot create something of your own. It is not that artistic concept called appropriation. Appropriation involves thought. This is downright plagiarism. You are a boring person. People can't stand being around you. People would rather set themselves on fire than have a conversation with you.

In all seriousness, this has to stop. It is getting out of hand. It is as if Hollywood is monitoring the films that I am interested in and personally prefer, and remake them. If I were paranoid I would consider this a personal attack. It's funny how George Romero gets crapped on when he makes an honest to goodness effort at originality with Land of the Dead, while the music video shit remake Dawn of the Dead gets thumbs up its ass. Critics are stupid, fans are just as stupid, but filmmakers just might be the dumbest. Sometimes I feel like the only person in this medium who isn't a brainwashed automaton.

I know I've said this before, but the only people to blame for the lowest of the low standards in movies today are the viewers. It's your fault because you just had to see X-Men 3, regardless of whether or not you even had a desire to see it. It's your fault Rob Schneider movies make money, because you had nothing better to do than fork over your hard-earned money for a few fart jokes. It's your fault that Hollywood is recycling movies that are long forgotten by the mainstream public and passing it off as cutting edge.

I am so desperate for real entertainment that I am going to fork over my money and see that Snakes on a Plane. Sure, it's stupid, it's just snakes on a plane. But hey, it's not a remake and there will be snakes and there will be a plane.

During my earlier film school years I was still getting used to watching all those funky avant garde films in class. Every now and then I would hear the occasional jerkoff in my class ask "When are we going to watch a real movie?" Well, from now on I am going to consider remakes to not be real movies. They're fake, synthetic, cinematic by-products. The film equivalent of turkey bacon. It's not the real thing. It's a substitute.

So my question is, when are we going to see a real movie?

Oh by, the way, if it happens to be in your neck of the woods (probably not) go see The Proposition. It's a good, genuine, down and dirty western story. And I don't think it's a remake.

Review - New York Doll.

2006-05-29T14:01:00.000-07:00

Hey kids! You're in for a treat today! This will be my first column of Rabid About Film since graduating! You heard it here, these proceeding opinions are coming from the lips of a college graduate. That means you can't argue with them, for you are definitely wrong. Unless you're a grad student, but you'll be ignored anyway, because you chose to be incredibly difficult and overdemanding at the equipment room.

Of all the genres of film, documentary is probably the most double-edged sword there is. There are no good documentaries, just ones that are amazing, life changing experiences and others that are so groan-inducingly boring that you want to send a hari kari blade into your gut long before the credits start rolling. Documentaries are hard to make interesting and most of the time you get that feeling that the filmmaker is just exploiting the subject for entertainment, the same way reality television shows work. Most of the time I do feel that way, that the filmmaker is just using the footage to push their agenda *cough* Michael Moore *cough*.

But of course, this is a film about Killer Kane of the New York Dolls, not exactly a political hot potato.

The filmmakers could have just as easily shot a film about Dolls frontman David Johansen, lord knows he's had a pretty good career in the wake of the Dolls (one of the songs that played while writing this review was indeed "Hot Hot Hot"). Johansen's life is ripe for a good documentary, after all the name of the movie is New York Doll and he was indeed the frontman. Even the long dead members Jerry Nolan and Johnny Thunders would've provided some great stories and anecdotes. Instead, they decided to talk about the Doll that not many people even remembered, one that I most certainly didn't remember, bassist Arthur 'Killer' Kane.

Looking at past and present images of Kane is rather shocking. In his Dolls years he's a tall, mean-looking street tough in drag. These days he's a quiet, unassuming, polite old man. Never in a million years would you guess that he took part in one of the most important rock bands ever. What I like best about this film is that it doesn't dwell too much on what Kane was. They could've put more emphasis on his alcoholism and depression after the Dolls ended, but the film focuses more on his current state. Kane was able to overcome his woes with the help of the church and enjoyed a rather simple life. Keeping a low profile among other elderly mormons and seeming fairly content, Kane suddenly gets contacted by none other than Morrissey to play for the Dolls once again. After finally getting his bass out of hock, he heads to England to play at the Meltdown festival. Getting back in the groove proves a little difficult, but he finally gets the hang of playing the songs again. In addition to playing again, Kane also makes amends with David Johansen, with whom he had not parted amicably with.

Seeing Kane on stage is quite a sight. While Sylvain and Johansen perform their energetic stage antics, Kane just stands like a statue, concentrating only on getting the notes right. Kane seemed to be on cloud nine while playing again with his old band after so many years of stagnation, and he feared how hard it would be to return to his librarian existence again.

Ironically, and sadly, Kane wasn't even able to face that problem as he was diagnosed with leukemia less than a month after the concert and died almost immediately.

New York Doll is a damn good documentary and a lot more entertaining than this stupid Lazy Sunday video that's playing on my computer right now. Instead of going the predictable route and making yet another rock n roll junkie movie, we have a film that seems to tell us that it's never too late.

Rating: \m/

Time to re-think things.

2006-04-18T23:33:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been developing these different takes on what filmmaking can do. Instead of trying to concentrate on this stuff about artistic integrity and narrative progression and all this stuff that has brain-washed me since starting college, I've been more interested in going back to the well, so to speak. My roots have always been punk rock and the more underground ideas, even more so than horror films. I think this is something I want to inject into my films now more than ever. I'm not saying punk rock as in the fashion, the horrible caricature it has become, or even the music. I'm referring to this DIY ethic I've heard of for so long but had trouble putting into use myself. I want to make films that are full of that youthful rebellion that I listened to so much during my teenage years. College has tainted my ideals. It seems that I need to get back to my punk rock roots. Recently I made a small film project featuring my friend smashing a television set. It's probably the closest thing I've made that can be considered 'beautiful'. Even if my final project turns out like shit, I'll still be proud to know that this simple television smashing film is absolute purity.

Maybe I'm just pining for my teenage years, maybe I'm just feeling disillusioned by leaving the safe confines of college, or maybe I'm just turning into a pretentious art-fag. But I think it's time to start re-thinking things. No more of this writer/director/storyteller fantasy crap. That's nothing but a goddam Horatio Alger trap and the best that can possibly come from that is being a worthless PA in a horrible horrible PG-13 film.

But then there's still that 13 year old who loves Dawn of the Dead.

The Day the Rabid Stood Still.

2006-04-16T15:21:00.000-07:00

More than a day actually. I thought it would be a good idea to chime in and explain why there's so little activity on the ol' Rabid About Film blog and when my loyal readers can expect a new post.

As you may know, good ol' Eric the Terrible has been wrestling with that thing called graduation. Commencement is on May 6th and I still haven't gotten fit for a cap and gown yet! Meanwhile, I'm trying to keep my grades up and work on my newest film, which may or may not turn out as I hoped. In addition to all that, money has been extremely tight and I haven't been able to get out to the movies recently, let alone buy groceries on a regular basis. Even more so, film news has been pretty boring lately and there hasn't been much to talk about. As always, there's plenty of celebrity gossip to talk about, but this blog doesn't want to resort to that.

Therefore, I think it's safe to say you can expect a new post later in the month, when things start to settle down. Hopefully soon I can get my hands on the unrated version of Wolf Creek and report about it, I've been dying to see that one. So there you have it, don't lose hope just yet kids! Rabid Films always has a way of returning from the murky swamp, fiercer and more powerful than ever! HAIL!

Review - Slither

2006-04-03T19:20:00.000-07:00

Last year, during one of my undesirable tasks in a student film (I played the role of Thug #2, yet again), the directors (one the real director and the other someone who just couldn't keep their mouth shut) were unsure of how the main character should die. He was supposed to get shot, but they didn't have a prop gun. I attempted to use my imagination and suggested a power drill to the head, as it was right there in the living room and just begging to be utilized. Of course, the actor who had an unwavering death-grip on the creativity of this particular production, was not impressed. My input was instantly rejected as it always was. He considered it gratuitious to kill someone with a power drill and the main character ended up dying a pillow-induced death. Nerve-racking to say the least.

So what does this staggering example of close-minded film students have to do with this here movie that was released in theaters this weekend? Well, everything. I don't believe there is a power drill death in Slither, but there sure is a blatantly improper use of a curling iron! What I'm trying to convey is that James Gunn's film takes me back to a glorious time when nothing in movies was taboo. No concept, no matter how gratuitious, sophomoric, infantile, immature, or pandering to the most primitive aspects of our ids, was off limits. If Sam Raimi wanted Ash to decapitate his girlfriend with a shovel, he did it. If Street Trash called for melting hobos, it happened. In in the best of low budget 80s horror and cult films, the sky was the limit. Anything could happen. Filmmakers weren't bound by the ratings systems or the pressure to turn profit, or even the pretentious myth called artistic integrity. They went ape-shit. I was just about sure that this era was long gone, a victim of political correctness and mid-90s detached irony. But then all of a sudden comes Slither and I get that same warm feeling I got when little Skippy got his head crushed by the maniacal jocks in Toxic Avenger.

This film is being considered a big budget Troma film, and that's no surprise as writer/director James Gunn was the co-writer (and apparently uncredited co-director) of Tromeo and Juliet, one of Troma's finest and the film that shot them into a whole new level of outrageousness. Troma had always been violent, crude and absurd. But Tromeo added in this punk rock nihilism that made it all the more exhilarating. And now James Gunn has broken into the mainstream after slogging it out with screenwriting credits such as the Scooby Doo movies and 2004's Dawn of the Dead. While the Romero remake was actually not too bad, it's with Slither that James Gunn comes into his own and brings his Troma roots into the mainstream.

We start out with a little character introduction, but of course, not too much because we have to get to the intergalactic creepy-crawlies quick! Starla (Elizabeth Banks) is a young small-town poor girl who married Grant Grant (I once heard of a guy in my hometown named Fred Fred) for the sake of financial security and college tuition. However, despite her Lolita appearance, she's not the nymphoid that Grant thought she was. A particular argument finds Grant at the local redneck bar, drinking and looking for some action. Unfortunately, while he indeed tries to get some with an old acquaintance, he ends up getting infected with a hideous alien parasite that came to earth via meteorite. Damned if that hasn't happened to me.

And that's when the fun starts. From then on it's nothing but alien slugs, zombies, giant hideous fleshy mutants, beer-bellied cannibals, and family fun night gone horribly wrong. A movie like this had to be released, as it represents a horror subgenre that I had sorely missed, the gore-comedy. Before the days of Scream's post-slasher sarcasm (as if it was something new) there were that got its laughs from the absurd amounts of bodily fluids being thrown in the air. This sort of stuff may be lost on Ebert and Roeper, but it's not for them. This is for the 13 year old horror geeks who have entered their 20s and beyond. From the Troma references, outrageous gore, and goofy one-liners, the film is for them. Slither gets the horns.

Rating:\m/

Pissing off the Christian Right is like shooting fish in a barrel.

2006-02-20T18:14:00.000-08:00

If there's one thing the medium of film can do correctly more than any other, it's make the Christian Right look incredibly stupid by getting them pissed off at an incredibly trivial thing. This time they've reared their ugly heads and bullshit rhetoric towards Turkey's latest blockbuster action film, Valley of the Wolves: Iraq. Apparently, christians had no problem with arabs being negatively portrayed as thin caricatures in cinematic turds like True Lies and more than a few Chuck Norris actioners. But god forbid you even think about making a movie where the americans are the bad guys! You just don't do it! And here's the kicker! The actors portraying the american bad guys: Billy Zane and Gary Busey! Can you really go wrong there?

First point, fuck off. Second point, it's a movie and there's not a goddam thing you stupid christian fundamentalists can do about it. Granted, it is rooted in some form of reality, but it is still the usual action film that Hollywood likes to crank out all the time, usually starring Harrison Ford. Maybe you should have thought about that before casting white guys to play stereotypical arabs. Or taking Tony Randall and painting him yellow to play a chinese guy. Or when you had that shit actor painted all brown to play an Indian guy for Short Circuit. Doesn't feel nice being the stereotypical bad guys now, huh? Tough shit.

As for me, if I manage to get my hands on this movie for a reasonable price, I'll check it out. It's a curiosity at least. My guess is that it's just the usual dumb action movie that has an espionage plotline to give it more credibility. Man, Turkey has come a long way since Turkish Star Wars, and Turkish Star Trek, and Turkish Exorcist, and Turkist ET, and Turkish Deep Throat. Wait that last one didn't happen, yet.

In defense of Mr. Roth, or Film Threat Punks Fuck Off!

2006-02-11T13:38:00.000-08:00

I know I said I'd quit my beef with Film Threat, but their smartass, elitist, Comic Book Guy-esque attitudes are really getting on my nerves. Between making oh-so witty slams toward Uwe Boll and childish nit-picking about the latest X-Men 3 publicity photo, they decided to make a completely unwarranted attack on Eli Roth, in reaction to the current talk of him co-producing a Baywatch movie.
http://www.filmthreat.com/index.php?section=headlines&Id=3102&archive=&match=&page=0

To me it sounds like the bitter ramblings of a jealous fanboy nerd. Let's get a few things straight. Eli Roth doesn't owe you shit. Whether or not you gave Cabin Fever a glowing review (you didn't, by the way), he doesn't have to cater to your taste. The same goes for Sam Raimi, Peter Jackson, George Lucas, Steven Spielberg, and all of your other former heroes who "turned their back on us." Don't get me wrong, chances are I'm not going to be in line to see this Baywatch disaster as it will probably suck, but no filmmaker has a flawless filmography. Even Kubrick made a Tom Cruise vehicle. Also, perhaps he wants to raise some money for his next directorial project, eh? You have to take the good with the bad, morons. You know, come to think of it, maybe I will see the Baywatch movie. Hell, I paid money for Doom!

Alright, I'll keep this rant short. Moral of the story, fanboys need to keep their mouths shut and stop shitting on everything they don't agree with. Instead of talking down on everything that moves, how about you MAKE SOMETHING OF YOUR OWN! The people who litter these message boards and websites are nothing more than pathetic, 40-year old virgin Roger Ebert wannabes who like to bask in their own false sense of narcissistic intellectual pride. I mean shit, we're talking about comic books and saturday morning cartoons most of the fucking time! Don't even tell me that Michael Bay is compromising the integrity of the Transformers!

Yeesh, I can't believe I'm agreeing with Harry Knowles.

Oscar the Grouch.

2006-02-03T13:17:00.000-08:00

Well, kiddies. The Academy Award nominations have been announced! And much like every other year that this horrible horrible celebration of the mediocre and overrated has existed, it's nothing more than a goddam farce, where money and shameless lobbying triumph over talent and originality. I think the only nominations I've dug so far have been William Hurt for A History of Violence (which should have received more) and perhaps some films I have yet to see such as Syriana and Brokeback Mountain. Wallace and Gromit gets nominated for best animated feature, of course the academy doesn't have much to select from, since their other selection was the pathetic Corpse Bride.

But let's forget about what the academy of old, out of touch, Starbucks liberal morons think. This is my blog, and the only thing that matters is ME! ME! ME! Based on my previous entry concerning the best of '05, we're gonna make some winning picks of our own.

Best Picture: A History of Violence

Best Director: Park Chan Wook (Oldboy)

Best Male Actor: Bill Mosely (Devil's Rejects)

Best Female Actor: Cecilia De France (High Tension)

Best Supporting Male Actor: Sid Haig (Devil's Rejects)

Best Supporting Female Actor: Sheri Moon (Devil's Rejects)

Best Cinematography: Christopher Doyle (Last Life in the Universe)

Best Visual Effects: Casshern

Best Makeup Effects: High Tension

Best Editing: Oldboy

Best Stunts (the academy don't like this category): Ong Bak

Wow, this list really sucks. Due to my obligation to choose one single film for each category, I have left out numerous other great films of last year. Asano Tadanobu's lead performance in Last Life in the Universe, Takeshi Kitano's supporting part in Izo, the makeup effects of Land of the Dead and Devil's Rejects, the list goes on. I think we've learned a lesson here folks.

See ya next time. HAIL!

Something to believe in.

2006-01-29T01:29:00.000-08:00

Just thought I'd make a quick about movies that I for one am looking forward to checking out this coming year. Some of these are foreign films that aren't out yet in the US, and some of them are indeed upcoming titles. Either way, I'm excited.

SPL - Just got a bootleg (I didn't know, man) DVD of this instant martial arts classic starring genre stalwarts Donnie Yen and the Fat Dragon himself Sammo Hung. Solid proof that Hong Kong cinema isn't dying just yet and I'll be damned if that Sammo Hung can't still move!
http://www.shapolangthemovie.com/

Dragon Tiger Gate - Donnie Yen and director Wilson Yip's follow-up to SPL, an adaptation of an old manga, and it looks to be some more martial arts mayhem, but in more of a fantasy vein.
http://www.dragontigergatemovie.com/main.html

Hard Candy - The US answer to Audition? Nah, give 'em more credit than that. But it seems what we got here is a great contemporary horror film with a great transgressive storyline that avoids all the usual horror cliches. Count me in.
http://www.apple.com/trailers/lions_gate/hardcandy/

Waru: Final - What's it about? Who knows? But it's Takashi Miike and we've all been itching for some new stuff, baby! Also be on the lookout for a DVD release of Miike's Imprint, the Masters of Horror segment that was pulled from broadcast for being too intense! Is it the real deal or just a publicity stunt for the DVD? I know I'm gonna find out.

Takeshis' - I highly doubt a US release will be arriving any time soon. How great is this? Two Takeshi Kitanos! As if the world could even handle the silent yet overwhelming intensity that is Kitano. The world just might explode out of amazement.
http://www.twitchfilm.net/archives/003380.html

Slither - Just when I though the genre of monster movies was just about dead thanks to the dawn of overused CGI, here comes a flick that just might change my mind. Blood, boogeymen, and hey maybe some boobies. Sorry, I wanted to use some alliteration.
http://www.apple.com/trailers/universal/slither/hd/

American Hardcore - Based on Steven Blush's book chronicling the 80's hardcore scene, I'm always up for a good punk documentary! Wait, no I'm not. I approach with extreme cynicism. Well, I'm up for this one.

Night Watch - Still not out yet! How can my dream of Stalinwood come true without this masterpiece hitting American shores and teaching children to love Lenin? That's a joke. But seriously, release the fucking movie.
http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox_searchlight/night_watch/

American Dreamz - Just watched the trailer as I was writing this. Looks like some pretty sharp satire here. Gotta love jokes about suicide bombers. Someone will probably bitch.
http://www.apple.com/trailers/universal/americandreamz/

Okay that's it for now. I could also throw down a list of movies NOT to look forward to this year, but let's stay positive. HAIL!

See ya later, Nice Guy Eddie.

2006-01-24T23:53:00.000-08:00

Chris Penn
1965-2006

Late Edition Review - Wolf Creek.

2006-01-16T18:10:00.000-08:00

Now I'm not one of those Starbucks liberals who delights in patronizing small town America, writing them all off as flag-waving, fag-bashing, intolerent rednecks, but being someone who grew up in Jamestown, NY, a place will eventually be conquered by Wal-Mart and made into its own separate country, I think I have room to criticize. And of course, being a big film aficionado, my main grudge against Jamestown is how they never play the movies I want to see in either of the two movie theaters in town. I was all ecstatic to see American Psycho when I saw commercials for it on television, especially since I discovered that Leonardo DiCaprio was not the star. And surprise, surprise, the movie never showed at the Chautauqua Mall or the Lakewood Cinema 6. So I had to wait until the movie came out on video. And back in those days, it was a long wait.

Now that was all the way back in 2000. That feels like an eternity 'cuz I was only a freshman in high school. Well, it's nice to know that Jamestown is exactly the same because I surely wanted to see Wolf Creek last month and they most certainly were not showing it. Sure, I could have driven to Buffalo to see it, but it was Winter break and money was few and far between and had to be reserved exclusively for drinking binges. Therefore, I missed the theatrical run of Wolf Creek. Now I'm not proud of it, but I had no choice but to download the movie. I usually don't do that unless I've already seen the movie and want to review a scene. But I felt this time I had no choice. Besides, I'll make it up to them by renting or buying it later.

But let's get on to the review. What makes this film work is one simple formula. This horror film avoids all the previously established visual motifs of most contemporary horror. Instead of foreboding dolly shot after foreboding dolly shot, director Greg McLean went for a more natural feel. It's an Australian horror film that is shot like an American indie film. There's lots of great handheld camera work and there's a minimum of music, especially when the terror begins.

Ebert's scathing review of this film gave me the wrong idea of what this one is about. When I began I was expecting some good ol' gratuitious bloodshed like Eli Roth's recent Hostel. After finishing Wolf Creek, I'm not sure if I saw the same film as Ebert. What I saw was a very tastefully done horror film. The basis of the horror is not shown primarily through the grisly violence, but through two other things: first, the film's first act which focuses completely on building up these characters before tossing them to the wolves and second, the genuinely creepy performance of John Jarratt as the absolutely menacing villain. His is a boogeyman that really breaks the mold. He's not some kind of chatty wiseguy like Freddy or a mindless stalker like Jason, he's just a regular outback nice guy who's gonna kill ya. But really, all the actors in this film are wonderful. Before the terror begins, there's a great natural report between the leads that is really effective. The characters are very likable and are not the usual party animals we see in other films.

Now the violence in this film is quite low key, but there are some great little bits in the film, mainly the one in the end that had me cringing. In fact, I thought the film was so effective that it just might have been better than Hostel. Currently, Hostel is the film making all the money and getting all the notoriety for its relentless bloodlust. But I think Wolf Creek is much more of an accomplishment. This is not a rip-off of Texas Chainsaw Massacre in any way, but it goes by the same concept: you don't need gratuitous bloodshed in order to be disturbing. Zombie's The Devil's Rejects used that idea as well, and Wolf Creek is another one that just might be the best horror film of this decade.

Rating: \m/

Well, that's Rabid About Film. So long and remember, she's just a head on a stick.

Review - Hostel.

2006-01-08T18:54:00.000-08:00

When writing up a review for a film, occasionally I look up other reviews on websites. Film Threat has yet to review Eli Roth's latest horror offering, Hostel, after completely reviling Wolf Creek, Ebert doesn't seem too interested in Roth's film either. Bloody Disgusting gave a typically glowing review a while ago. The only review I have read recently is the one from Fangoria, which is less than enthusiastic.

It's kind of hard for me to take Fangoria very seriously these days, since they're probably speaking nothing but praise for Hostel in their magazine, while simultaneously giving it this negative review. But I digress, this is a review of Eli Roth's Hostel, not Fangoria magazine.

While watching Hostel, I found a lot of similarities to Roth's debut film, Cabin Fever. Much like that film, Hostel starts out really cheesy. When I saw Cabin Fever for the first time, I was certain that this was going to be no more than another cookie-cutter post-Scream self-referential snooze-fest. A half hour into Hostel, I was thinking the same thing. There were party boys doing the usual party boy things with naked girls and hard drugs. Meanwhile, I'm thinking, "is it scary, yet?" Well, much like Takashi Miike's Audition, at the drop of a hat, it does get scary.

Probably the best thing the movie has going for it is the plot. The concept of the terror in this film is very unique. Again, much like Cabin Fever, the horror does not originate from a single machete-wielding maniac. There is no boogeyman in this film. The terror is this entire culture that the characters have walked into. The tried and true "everybody's in on it" theme is put to very good use here. Also, like Roth's debut, he takes the time to insert little quirks into the film. The bubble gum gang was somewhat reminiscent to the Dennis bit in Cabin Fever. And of course Roth's decision to use a non-actor in the role of Oli, who stole the first act. Some people don't like Roth's quirky sense of humor, but I do appreciate the occasional chuckle to compliment the ensuing bloodbath. And definite kudos to Roth for fitting in a memorable cameo by Japan's favorite movie-making madman, Takashi Miike.

Alright, if you read this blog regularly, you're probably wondering what I have to say about the violence. Well, this is a horror film that DOES NOT FUCK AROUND! Lately, there have been many horror films coming out that are branded with a questionable R rating or even go as low as a PG-13. This is an R rated horror film. This is a film that reminds me of the long gone days when R ratings meant the content was indeed harsh and the PG rating meant you could only have one breast shot. While it most certainly does not raise the bar in terms of horror violence, it sure as hell puts it back where it should be. And I really don't think die hard horror fans could ask for more. You were expecting Brain Dead? Get real.

So you got your gore, you got your crazy-ass plot, and you got your tight yet methodical pace. It all adds up to some classic horror movie shit-giving. Eli Roth has a lot of naysayers, labeling him as a hack or an egotistical jerk. Well, all I have to say to that is "What are you doing that's so great?"

Rating: \m/ (as if you had to guess)

Well, that's Rabid About Film. So long and remember, you could spend all your money in there. HAIL!

The Dreaded Best of 2005 List!

2005-12-28T16:43:00.000-08:00

No way, man. No, no, no. No way. This can't happen. This just can't be. No, man. Don't do it! Whatever you do, don't make a lousy, rotten list of things that didn't suck in the year 2005! It's so stupid and pointless! What is the purpose of archiving good things that occurred in a single year, why can't you just let them be? Why do they have to be categorized by year?

Eh, the hell with you! I'm doing it! You can't stop me!

So what the hell happened in 2005? Well, certain actors thought it was a good idea to tell people what to think, the unrated DVD craze has given directors more reason to let the MPAA rape their artistic vision, one of the best horror films of the year came from an industrial rocker (not Glenn Danzig), the Korean Invasion rocked the states, the world’s favorite kaiju bowed out with grace, dignity, and a mountain of defeated enemies, our theaters were ravaged with more pointless, mindless, stupefying remakes, and all in all mediocrity held sway!

But amongst the flowing rivers of undeniable garbage, there were some gems to be found. So here are my rankings of best, worst, and just plain mind-boggling.

Movies of 2005
Devil’s Rejects
Land of the Dead
Satan’s Little Helper
Godzilla: Final Wars
High Tension
A History of Violence
Oldboy
Sin City
Izo
Last Life in the Universe
Wedding Crashers
Casshern

Potential Addition:
Wolf Creek – it came out in theaters the day after Christmas, but my hometown decided that they weren’t interested in something Ebert gave zero stars. Hopefully I can catch this one.

Tale of Two Sisters – just bought the DVD, so we’ll see, won’t we?

Worst movies of 2005
Cursed
Red Eye
Doom
Alone in the Dark (never saw it but I can make the assumption)
Corpse Bride
Fantastic Four

Best “What the fuck?” moment of 2005
A letter that arrived in the mail stating “Our jury has determined that ‘I Mow Your Lawn’ demonstrates the kind of talent and potential that we’d like to celebrate at this festival.”

Dumbass of the Year
Tom Cruise – in addition to curing his dyslexia, the church of scientology also granted him a bona fide degree in medicine and psychiatrics, allowing him to criticize people who have the nerve to take medication and see psychiatrists. When I get rich and famous, I’m going to arbitrarily attack people who wear those goofy Hot Topic pants with the straps. They bother me. Go, Matt Lauer, go.

Runner up: Whoever posted on IMDb that Aqua Teen Hunger Force has “jumped the shark”. How long were you waiting to polish off that gem, Mr. Culture Police?

DVDs of 2005
Ren and Stimpy Seasons Three and a Halfish
Freaked
Devil’s Rejects Unrated
Street Trash
Stripes Special Edition
Audition Uncut American Release
Cannibal Holocaust (2-disc limited edition)

Worst DVD Trend
The Unrated Version. C’mon, is it really necessary to restore a few measly frames to a film that was probably cut for a damn good reason? Director’s cuts used to have a meaning. They were supposed to reveal the director’s undistorted artistic vision before it was destroyed by the MPAA. These days it’s become a devious marketing tool in order to trick the consumer to buy two versions of the same movie. Casual viewers will think they're going to see some deleted nudity and more hardened film-lovers salivate over the prospect of seeing the director's "complete vision". And I’m beginning to get this idea that director’s are willfully cutting out things in order to further plug their so called “uncensored and out of control” director’s cut, or they’re being a lot more relaxed about editing their film instead of fighting for their vision. So a big middle finger to worthless overhyped, unrated DVDs.

Alright, is that enough? Good. While it is true that these Best of the Year archives can get pretty tiresome and pointless, it is nice to know that there are at least a handful of good things happening every year.

The Best of the Wurst.

2005-12-19T05:45:00.000-08:00

FIRST THING'S FIRST! It turns out my long-forgotten horror mini-epic of blood and garden tools, I Mow Your Lawn, has been selected for the Cannery Works student film festival and will be shown in NYC! I submitted the film back in May and forgot about it, and suddenly I get this in the mail yesterday! Wicked awesome as they say down in Fenway.

Hey kids! You want some good, wholesome laughs that the whole family can enjoy. Well, keep yourself warm and giggly this holiday season with a good cup of cocoa and these here select comments from the world's foremost authorities on film knowledge and criticism...the users of the Internet Movie Database!

I figured it would be a good idea to compile a list of my favorite dumb comments. Mind you the original spelling and punctuation have been preserved for academic purposes. Here we go...

-Concerning Waterworld.
"I can't wait for the producers to make a sequel".

-Post subject: "the 'inevitable' Street Trash remake - casting ?"
"Obviously Peter Jackson would direct..."
"Fred : Obviously only Johnny Depp could capture the essence of Freddy
"Kevin : ... perhaps Donnie Darko's Jake Gylenhall ?"
"Bronson : good psychos are hard to find - but Russell Crowe *might* be able to pull it off "
It goes on like this, fortunately a more intelligent poster changed the subject.

-From a review of Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV.
"it is time for troma to be nice to every black people around the world i'm white and i cared for blacks and jews it is a shame for troma to hate blacks and jews but it's to late troma is the annoying movie company to ever annoy anyone."

-On director Takashi Miike.
"its time to pass to hollywood i think.he matured to pass hollywood".

-On Miike's film Audition.
"This is how I would have ended the movie..."

-On Tom Cruise.
Post Topic: "TWO WORDS TO DESCRIBE TOM CRUISE"
"AMAZING ACTOR"
"IN DENIAL"

"I can't help it that your jealous of Tom. Why the hell else would you bash him if you werent?"

-On Star Wars.
"Whois hoter laya or natalie portman?"

"I think the clones have a shorter life time compared to humans. Remember in Episode 2 when Obi-Wan asks the guys on the waterplanet about them. They are growing faster and as a consequence they should have a shorter life time. So I think there weren't enough recources to constantly produce so many clones over a timespan of 18 years or something like that... "

"Lord of the Rings is way better"

-On The Big Lebowski.
"And right now as it goes you can ask anyone how they saw the movie and 100% it will go bak to me, weather they saw it cause one of my friends that i showed it to them showed it to him. I started a treand i stared this movie. I started it yes yes"

-On the Jimmy Fallon film Taxi.
"Movies are for us to get away & forget our troubles, and this movie does that."

-On Monica Bellucci.
"JESSICA ALBA KILLS THIS OTHER WOMAN IN LOOKS!!!!!!!!!!"

-On Tara Reid.
"No, I know you are mistaken because I used to work in craft services for a Hollywood studio and when they filmed the first American Pie film she definitely keep adjusting her prosthetic. Now, mind you, it's not the entire leg, just midway between the knee and foot on her left leg. I didn't have the nerve to ask Tara how she lost part of her lower leg but I'd assume that it was either an accident or perhaps a disease. Then again, she may have been born with this defect."

-On a current upcoming film listing called Captivity.
"It kinda sounds like knicked the premise of this film off me, cos its similar to my story..."

The list goes in a perpetual vortex of worthless opinions. There's a certain level of poetry concerning the incoherent blockheadedity of the community on IMDb. I have yet to join in on the pointlessness, but who knows. Maybe some day I'll have a dumb comment and I just gotta post it!

That's Rabid About Film. HAIL! \m/

Review - Just Friends.

2005-12-12T19:22:00.000-08:00

Okay, this review is a little late in the game, mainly because "Just Friends" has been in theaters for a while now and is probably going to be done soon. I'll keep it short and sweet.

I felt awkward seeing Just Friends in the theater because with the exception of myself, everyone in the theater had their significant other with them. Something about seeing a Ryan Reynolds romantic comedy on my own free will sort of made me want to lower my head in shame. Well, call me a sucker for Ryan Reynolds. Despite the fact that he looks no different that any other actor who looks more like an underwear model, I like Ryan Reynolds. He is quite a charmismatic guy in a wiseass more-successful-than-you brother kind of way. So after making the throwaway horror movie and about ten romantic comedies in the same month, what does Ryan Reynolds do? Well, he makes another romantic comedy, but this time he has a few scenes in a fat suit. Are you sold, yet? Well, I was. What, you think you're better than me? Fuck you.

Anyways, Just Friends is a good movie mainly because of the presence of Ryan Reynolds. He's just a naturally funny and is always quick to deliver a good smart-ass comment at the right moment. The fact that the director was consistently forgetting he was making a romantic comedy helped a lot too. The movie spends more time showing over the top slapstick comedy than actually attempting to be sincere and tender and all of that crap, and my Adult Swim-brainwashed mind ate it up. This film is definitely more Dumb and Dumber than Love Story.

I don't Just Friends is the kind of movie that would get the horns, but let's just say it has my seal of approval. Best line that had me laughing like a hyena: "That Jamie Palamino is like a fine box of wine".

There have been two more additions to the Rabid Films family. The bizarro sketch comedy gone horribly wrong Frank the Terrible and the horror short, The Toilet. Unfortunately, Frank the Terrible has two Link Wray songs in it, so I'll have to think if I want to take the risk of putting it up on the internet. We'll see. Oh, I don't think I ever mentioned, my video from last year, Some Good Old Fashioned Torture, can be found on www.aversusb.com. Check it out fuckers!

I don't know about you but I think it's high time for another good ol' .::!VIDEO PICK OF THE WEEK!::. *cue trumpets, rusty chainsaw* Next time you head out to the video store, seek out the badass martial arts class The Street Fighter. No, not the mediocre video game adaptation starring Jean Claude Van Damme. I'm talking about the 1974 Sonny Chiba blood and fists classic! Sonny Chiba stood out in the martial arts explosion of the 70s by being the personification of martial arts anti-hero. Was the Street Fighter a good guy? Well, no not really. In fact he's quite the bastard. After a brother and sister fail to pay him the money they owe him, Chiba kills the brother and forces the sister into prostitution to pay the debt. Jesus Christ. If you're looking for a movie with plenty of bone-crunching, skull-bashing, and crotch-ripping, look no further.

Well, alright that's Rabid About Film, kids. So long and remember, I hate punks worse than anything. HAIL! \m/

King Shit of Fuck Mountain.

2005-12-02T16:30:00.000-08:00

Eli Roth's upcoming Hostel has the potentially of being one of the most ferocious, hardcore, get you in the throat, horror films of the decade, and possibly the previous decade. The US trailer is a bit iffy, makes it look like a clone of the abysmal Saw. But check out the German site for the film, along with the trailer.
www.diehostel.de
There's more violence and depravity in that short trailer than any factory-sealed piece of crap Wes Craven has made recently. Get excited, motherfucker. If you thought Saw was shocking and disturbing, well, you're probably a wimp and will have a heart attack while watching this measly trailer.

I just received the work print for my student film, currently titled "Frank the Terrible." Well, the dailies look quite amazing. This was my first time using colored film and I absolutely love it. The blood looks so red. I'm pretty confident that I'm going to end with a nice little film, here.

Hey, if I'm reviewing a film and I ever use the phrase "You either love it or you hate it" or refer to a film as "a mixed bag" or even attempt to convey my opinions as fact, please shoot me. Also, if I ever comment on a concept for a film, and say something like "It could work if done the right way," please beat me mercilessly. No shit, genius.

It's becoming a really exciting guessing game of what country will decide to make a zombie movie next. Argentina has Plaga Zombie: Mutant Zone, Czech Republic has Choking Hazard, Ireland has Dead Meat, and most recently is To Kako from the Balkan Peninsula itself, Greece. You know that would be the last place you'd look. It seems that these countries are giving Italy and Pittsburgh a run for their money. I want to see some zombies from the Middle East. I want to see the Arabic take on the living dead, who the hell knows.

Alright, that's Rabid About Film for now. Soon I'll have a review up for the latest Ryan Reynolds vehicle Just Friends. Yes, I saw it. No, I was not being held against my will. Hey shut up!

Standing above the mountain of bloody carcasses on an ancient battlefield, victorious.

2005-12-01T12:11:00.000-08:00

Well, it seems that now that Pete is no longer posting on his blog, much more content to drawing his webcomic, I stand victorious as THE PREMIERE BLOG of vicious, crabby, and downright bitter opinions on the stinking world of shit*. You hear me, Pete? I win. And here I sit on my throne made of blue cheese and chicken wings, as the the King of...something. But whatever it is, I'm the king of it.

When you're all done worhshipping my greatness and slaughtering goats for my favor, check out www.bardsworth.com

*In accordance with the Bruckheimer Doctrine of 2005, the word "film" has officially been replaced by "shit".

Review - Murder-Set-Pieces.

2005-11-26T23:40:00.000-08:00

Nick Palumbo's Murder-Set-Pieces has gained a lot of notoriety over the last year or so. Right off the bat, it's got the good ol' NC-17 rating. During post-production, three Hollywood film labs refused to process the raw footage. On top of all that it had a some trouble getting accepted into a lot of film festivals. According to the back of the DVD box, it's "the first film in history to be banned from every film festival in North America."

Yeah, whatever. Maybe it was "banned" 'cuz it wasn't very good and they didn't wanna play it. I think it's safe to say that any film that has to resort to using claims like "the first film in history to flabbety-doo" isn't going to really knock you on your ass. And at the risk of sounding like a trendy jerkoff who wants people to think that they've seen it all, I'm going to say that Murder-Set-Pieces is certainly not Kingshit of Fuck Mountain. The posters would have you believe that the film is "Shocking. Controversial. Horrific." and "the most visceral horror film ever made." Are we seeing a trend here? Are you beginning to understand what I'm trying to convey about this film?

These days, a filmmaker really has to go the extra mile to shock and disgust the audience, what with there being retards eating cow-testicles on network television. Murder-Set-Pieces fails because not only does it never figure out a way to go that extra mile, but because it only goes half of a mile, and then decides to repeat that half-mile ad nauseum. You probably never thought scenes of vicious rape and murder could be dull and boring, right? Well, it happened here. While watching this DVD, I found myself wandering out of the room on several occasions to get a sandwich or look up something on the internet.

So what do we get in this 90 minutes of rape, torture, murder, uninteresting horror star cameos, and out of nowhere flashes of World Trade Center and Nazi footage? That pretty much covers it. The murder victims consist largely of anonymous naked women whom we the audience never get to actually know before they are systemically slaughtered by the our hero, the Fuhrer-loving serial killer credited only as The Photographer. There are attempts at giving the killer a background with scenes of hallucinatory nightmares involving his mother being a whore which leads to him feeling hostility towards women, to say the least. Then there's more killing, and then some weight-lifting, then some more killing, then some strippers and hookers, and then some strippers and hookers getting killed. Perhaps I've just become too jaded to be shocked by this kind of stuff, but in order to be truly shocking there needs to be a hell of a lot more emotion than this. When I watch this movie, the killer is just some goofball german guy straight out of the nihilist gang from the Big Lebowski, and the murder victims are just actors/models/strippers who are pretending to die on camera. There's no emotion behind it, so it's impossible for the viewer to be really engrossed in what's going on, which might lead to the viewer wandering off for a sandwich more than a few times.

To be fair, I was shocked by one scene, because I felt the filmmaker was being wholly unethical. I could only picture the director viciously screaming at the infant baby, in an effort to get them to cry, and the parent of the child cashing in her measly paycheck at a liquor store. Of course, the scene in question is totally unnecessary, not because of the violent content but because the director didn't think it was important to explain why the hell the killer suddenly has a wife and kid. But seriously, the bulk of the film is just so dull, cold, and lacking any real emotion it's hard to become interested. It's hard to believe that Nick Palumbo is a director who has any sort of love for filmmaking. For a filmmaker, every filmmaking experience should be an exciting new adventure where you wonder "Let's see what I can do this time!" While directing Murder-Set-Pieces, it seems more than likely that Palumbo was just going down a checklist. "Okay, we got rape, we got blood, we got kids getting killed. Are we missing anything?" Yes, you are. Plot, character development, memorable characters, atmosphere, real terror.

Well, I think I'm happy to say that while writing this review of Murder-Set-Pieces, I'm not playing into the director's hands. If I wasn't praising this film for being "raw, uncompromising, and NO HOLDS BARRED, ARRRGH!" I would be harping on how immoral and offensive it is. I'm doing neither because, in all honesty, I wasn't offended, shocked, or appalled. Murder-Set-Pieces is just what the title says. It's just a string of murder set-pieces connected barely by a nonexistent plot, unappealing and/or uninteresting characters, and really nothing of that can hold the viewer's interest. Many of the film's supporters will say this is a "true horror film" or something goofy like that. Well, as a die-hard horror fanatic since my pre-teens, I must say this film ain't shit. It's got nothing on the real shock classics like Cannibal Holocaust, Last House on the Left, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, or Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. These films realized you need something else to compliment the horrific violence in order to be truly terrifying and shocking, mainly that's emotion. Murder-Set-Pieces goes through all the motions, but in the end, it's a poser, a wannabe, a hack-job, a carbon fucking copy that was not worth the $30 that Palumbo thinks his "Director's Cut" should be.

Rating: /m\

Muck from the Vaults! (it's, um, new)

2005-11-18T20:00:00.000-08:00

Hey kids, the film-related ranting circuit has been a little stagnant lately. There just hasn't been much to get angry about. Either that or I'm just becoming indifferent to hearing the same old bad news over and over again. Anyways, I think it's time for a new feature to be introduced to Rabid About Film. For this, I'm going to talk about long-forgotten pop culture artifacts of my much-suppressed childhood. The type of things that I describe to others and in exchange get weird looks. Sometimes I think that I had completely dreamt up the entire cartoon/film/television show. So, without further adieu, here is the premiere entry of Muck from the Vaults! *lightning strikes*

Look familiar? Ring any bells? Wheels turning at all?

This is Beany and Cecil, and when I mention them and their hella cool cartoon show, nobody knows what I'm talking about. In addition to that, there is barely any information about them on IMDb. This cartoon show started out as a puppet show on KTLA Los Angeles called "Time for Beany", and was the creation of Warner Bros. cartoon legend Bob Clampett. At this point it was a puppet show, but later it spawned an animated series. The show followed the adventures of little boy Beany and sock-puppet sea serpent Cecil, who along with Captain Huffenpuff of the Leakin' Lena, go on wacky adventures all around the world. Of course, where would a cartoon show be without a dastardly villain? In this case, it was the Dishonest John, who just might have been a forerunner for latter-day dastardly villains such as Boris Badanov and Snidely Whiplash. I still remember his trademark manaical laugh, "Nya-ha-haa!" I remember there being a lot of goofy characters that they would meet in this show, such as Jack the Knife, Davey Cricket, and Go-Man Van Gogh, and let's not forget the Batniks!

I believe the puppet show debuted in 1949, the animation in 1962 on Matty's Funday Funnies, which lasted 26 episodes. There was also remake cartoon in the 80s, which I believe was directed by none other than John Kricfalusi of Ren and Stimpy fame. He was also involved in Ralph Bakshi's 80s redux of Mighty Mouse. But like Mighty Mouse, the revival was short-lived.

They really just don't make cartoons like this anymore. The only thing that even comes close these days is Spongebob Squarepants, and that's way more annoying than entertaining. Beany and Cecil takes me back to a time when children's shows were more than just a thinly-disguised merchandise scheme, where every character had their own corresponding action figure, lunchbox, and action figure playset. Like most vintage cartoons that originated long before I was born, my dad got me hooked on this show, and since then I got up early ever Saturday morning to catch an episode. Of course, they stopped airing the episodes, as they later paved the way for more contemporary entertainment (those damn Power Rangers).

So, does anybody have any idea what I'm talking about? Drop me a comment and let me know. Well, that Rabid About Film and Muck from the Vaults. So long and remember, R-A-G-G, Who me?, Not now, M-O-P-P, Rag Mop!

Review - Satan's Little Helper.

2005-11-13T18:17:00.000-08:00

Every now and then there's a little direct-to-video, shot on digital feature that you see at the store for a relatively affordable price, but you don't really think much of it. You also seem to notice the film with its two copies that are buried among the Hollywood dreck at your local rentals. Most of the time, you disregard these movies. The chances of this cheap little feature providing any sort of entertainment value, beyond laughing at its piss-poor production values and complete lack of imagination or talent, is quite nil. So you never actually get around to renting this little guy. Even though you entertain the idea, you're just kidding yourself, and you never get the cajones to take a chance on this direct-to-video underdog because your pompous-ass thinks its too good to be seen with this sort of low-budget hackery.

Well, for once my pompous-ass decided to break that cycle and rent the cheap little video at the bottom of the shelf. And that cheap little piece of horrid schlock with the hokey-looking cover and the no-name actors was called Satan's Little Helper, directed by Jeff Lieberman. It should probably be noted that motivation for renting this film with the quesionable cover art would be in large part to a glowing recommendation at Pretty-Scary. I'd be wrong if I said I wasn't developing a school-boy crush on that there Heidi Martinuzzi.

Satan's Little Helper is the kind of horror film I didn't think was made anymore. One that still has a decent amount of scares and gore, but opts more for humor, but intelligent humor, or dare I say it, challenging humor. I'm not talking about the Sam Raimi splatstick or even the post-Scream self-awareness tripe. Satan's Little Helper has something a lot more unique. The humor in this flick has quite the biting edge in it, like a really damn good political cartoon. These days horror films go one of two routes; the uber-serious creep you out method, but ultimately cannot be taken seriously (i.e. Saw, or Asian flicks like The Ring, The Grudge, The Wig, The Home Pregnancy Test etc), or the beaten dead horse of self-parody that Kevin Williamson unleashed on the world with his sub-par screenwriting talents. Satan's Little Helper actually goes for some real social satire, and it doesn't look pretty.

And on to the quick plot summary. Youngster Dougie is absolutely infatuated with two things, his older sister ("He says he's going to marry her. I don't think they got up to the word "incest" in the third grade yet.") and his favorite video game, entitled Satan's Little Helper. He's even dressed up as the Prince of Darkness for Halloween. However, his sister's new boyfriend comes between them, and Dougie finds solace in the new friend he's met. Dougie catches him working on a Halloween decoration that closely resembles a freshly killed corpse (hint hint). Dougie befriends this masked maniac, whom he believes is Satan, and helps his dark master in his campaign of carnage across town. Whether it be simple shoplifting, running over blind people with shopping carts, or gruesome murder, nothing is out of bounds for Satan and his little minion. But when the hell is Dougie going to get it into his brainwashed mind that this is not a game and he is actually assisting in the slaughtering of innocent people?

If there's one thing this film does, it revitalizes the Halloween-themed horror film. Most of these terror tales set during October 31 don't really offer much, but Satan's Little Helper uses the holiday for some rather vicious social commentary. The characters overlooking the horrific bloodshed and abnormal behavior throughout the movie as just Halloween hijinks isn't too far-fetched. I've heard one or two true stories about real dead bodies being mistaken for Halloween decorations, which is exactly what happens in this movie. This film definitely takes shots at Halloween as a poor excuse to put basic morality on hold, whether or not the consequences are permanent.

Jeff Lieberman has only directed a few other films, but most of them have gained cult status (Blue Sunshine, Squirm, Just Before Dawn). Satan's Little Helper is Lieberman's return to filmmaking after a long hiatus, and this film has all the stylings of a young, cocky, smash it in your damn face, debut feature filmmaker, and that's a good thing. There are very few fresh ideas in horror today, and this is one.

So there, Satan's Little Helper gets the horns. It's a fun, sick, and depraved little shocker than will creep up on ya.

RATING: \m/

And on that note, click here to check out my favorite actor (and soon to be yours), Tadanobu Asano as Genghis freakin' Khan in the upcoming film Mongol.

The Wild Bunch. I completely respect that movie, which is why I want to remake it.

2005-11-08T00:34:00.000-08:00

I really wish Sam Peckinpah were alive today, because if some namby-pamby motherfucker like David Ayer ever came up to him for permission to remake his classic western, Sam would probably beat him to death with a broken beer bottle. Because Peckinpah is the real deal and filmmakers like Ayers are just punk-ass motherfuckers.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

Bonfires burning bright.

2005-10-30T21:58:00.000-08:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
From a not so great borderline proficient impersonator of Kakihara!

"I can't smile because it'll tear the scars!"

This Halloween was memorable because I was threatened by an angry pirate in a movie theater during a showing of Suspiria, which seemed like it was the G-rated cut because every time a knife was about to be plunged into a character, we cut away to the next scene. Beauty, eh?

http://www.twitchfilm.net/archives/003992.html
This blurb explains how video game adaptation wunderkind Uwe Boll gets his films financed, in a move straight out of Mel Brooks' The Producers. However, he may be at his end. While many hardcore horror fans may be rejoicing, I kind of feel bad. Sure he made bad films, but he was proud of it. Even Woody Allen is never satisfied with his films, as great as they are. I guess Uwe is kind of like the German exchange student in high school, where everybody makes fun of him but he doesn't realize it, so I kind of have sympathy for the good doctor Boll.
Hell, US producers are still giving Renny Harlin money, right?

So Mr. Sulu is gay, huh?

In offense of Mr. Ebert.

2005-10-24T21:35:00.000-07:00

WARNING: This entry contains something called independent opinion, something not commonly practiced these days. In less enlightened times they hanged you for it.

You have to love someone who is so steeped in the past that it's embarrassing. Mr. Roger Ebert, along with legions of other micro-minded self-righteous film critics, are still convinced that the sole purpose of "going to the movies" is so for nearly two hours you can leave your cares at the door and be spoon-fed syrupy-sweet drivel and forget about the hollow and pointless life you lead. Film critics probably need this the most, as the occupation of film critic is one of the most trivial and meaningless jobs in history, even more so than an Oscar-winning actor. Seeing uplifting movies every now and then is probably the one thing that keeps them from blowing their brains out.

I just read Ebert's review for the new independent horror film "Chaos" and he absolutely trashed it, giving it a zero star rating. http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20050811/REVIEWS/508110303/1023 Apparently his problem with this film was that it "denies not only the value of life, but the possibility of hope." Now granted, I have yet to see this film, but I figure that if I were to not like it, the reason would be its lack of originality and blatant similarities to Wes Craven's "Last House on the Left", not because the violence is disturbing, which is exactly what the filmmakers set out to do. Are we so low in self-esteem and easily-led in this world that we need a movie to tell that everything's going to be alright? Is a movie going to calm us all of the horrors of the world? I really don't understand the point of giving a negative review for a film because it's "ugly, nihilistic, and cruel" when the sole purpose of the film was doing just that. That's like criticizing heavy metal for being loud. Criticism like this reminds of one of the many intelligent conversations I would overhear during the dark days when I had to take the bus to school during my freshman year. I was sitting behind this obnoxious scrawny white boy who was being very vocal about his hatred for rock music in general, calling it "loud and obnoxious" and stating that hip hop was far superior.

Ebert wrote a similar review for 1980s "I Spit On Your Grave". Apparently, some things never change. So far I've read three Ebert reviews where he refers to a movie as a "geek show". You would think that joke would get old eventually.

What really alarms me is that these are the people who are believed to have the authority on what is cool and what is not. Unfortunately, a lot of people take these opinions very seriously. If critics like a movie, the marketing team takes their quotes and plasters it on the movie posters and advertisements. Even if it's a negative review, they'll savage a slightly positive sound bite and go with it. Film critics should not be a substitute for independent judgment. People need to decide on movies by themselves, not based on what some reviewer said. This blog is purely opinion, anything I say here is my opinion and presented as nothing but. I'm not trying to sway anybody's thoughts, I'm simply stating mine.

Well, I guess in the long run it's all good. Ebert's reaction was probably exactly what the makers of "Chaos" intended. They wanted to be offensive, and he sure was offended. Now if the promoters of the film have any brains they'll take quotes from that review and bill it as "The movie Roger Ebert doesn't want you to see!"

Okay, kids, that's Rabid About Film. So long and remember, this road leads to nowhere.

Reviews - Undead, Dead and Breakfast, and the kitchen sink.

2005-10-16T17:34:00.000-07:00

Today I stumbled across an issue of Premiere magazine with everybody's favorite staring moron, Jake Gelatin on the cover. One of these days I have to put my Donnie Darko idea on film. It's not even a parody of the film, it's just pure silliness. Anyways, I was completely flabbergasted to find an incredibly small article featuring Takashi Miike. It mentioned Three Extremes, which should be coming out in the US soon, and a piss-poor interview asked him a measly three questions. I was rather intrigued by the question about American remakes of Japanese horror films, which Miike answered something along the lines of "If these films are being made for the sole purpose of an American remake, they're probably not worth bothering with anyways." He sure did sum up the state of Asian film as we know it.

Now here are some quickie reviews of movies that I highly recommend.

Review - Undead

I rented this Australian movie with absolutely no expectation except for one, zombies hopping like kangaroos. Or zombies being carried by kangaroos in their pouches. Or zombie-kangaroos. Needless to say, I got none of those requests. I suppose humanity isn't ready to see the world of zombies and the world of kangaroos collide with such reckless abandon.

But what I did get is a gleeful return to an era we had all thought had been long dead, the splatter comedy. I thought the subgenre was officially gone when Mr. Raimi said "Sure, I'll direct a Kevin Costner movie!" This movie fondly remembers a time when you tear apart zombies with a buzzsaw blade on a stick when you just as easily could shoot them, because it's just simply cooler to do. Quick plot summary, a meteor crashes into a small Aussie town, infecting people and turning them into flesh-eating ghouls. We follow some characters as the mystery behind the meteor shower unfolds. There's blood, aliens, UFOs, Australian accents, zombies, fish, zombie-fish, triple-barrel shotgun-wielding down under badasses with really wide brimmed hats and overalls, and finally, a quadruple-barrel shotgun-wielding former beauty queen.

It seems recently these zombie movies have been coming out of the woodwork something fierce, thanks to those geniuses at Hollywood deciding to remake the undisputed king (Dawn of the Dead). The recent trend has given some good (Land of the Dead), some bad (Dawn '04), and some REALLY ugly (House of the Dead). But Undead is some solid zombie fun. Not since Peter Jackson introduced us to the Sumatran Rat Monkey has a zombie movie been cartoonish. Ch-check it out. Whether you're a longtime zombie fanatic or some dumbass poser who recently got into zombie movies because you finally lost your patience with George Lucas, it's a bloody delight!

Review - Dead and Breakfast

But after you're done seeing the Aussies with their undead antics, remind yourself that it was the US who invented the horror-comedy (well, I really have no proof of that). And the latest incarnation is Dead and Breakfast. I was unenthusiastic of watching this one because it looked like a run of the mill direct to video bore-fest. However, the appearance of recognizable actors (Jeremy Sisto, David Carradine, Portia di Rossi) sparked my interest. Simple plot, a group of friends stop at a hotel on their way to a wedding, but get up to their eyeballs in ghouls. This takes me back to the kind of horror movies that were less interested in being scary and more into over the top cartoonish gore and nonstop absurdity. You get that, and you get it in spades. Whether or not you will like this movie depends on your reaction to the concept of evil demons suddenly ceasing their demonic activities in order to perform a catchy hip-hop number. Are you sold? Well you should be!

By the way, all the recognizable actors die very quickly.

And now for my ..:!VIDEO PICK OF THE WEEK!:.. *cue trumpets, Godzilla roar* It's the original, the initimable, the irascible, SWAMP THING! Let's return to a time (the early 80s) when movies had elements like a scientist being doused with a volatile chemical and transforming into a slimy half-man half-plant superhero, just in time to thwart the evil-doings of his arch-nemesis. Wait, wouldn't being doused in an experimental chemical cause you to do something different like develop a horrible tumor? No! That's just stupid! So the monster is supposed a big complex special effects extravaganza, right? Who the hell are you and why are you here? He's a guy in a latex suit! How come the bad guy's specific motives are never explained? It just seems like he's evil for no reason. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! Just sit back and watch the guy in the green latex suit duke it out with the guy in the papier-mache wolf noggin. This movie is such a good time I almost forget that it's directed by Wes Craven after his Last House on the Left/Hills Have Eyes days but before his Nightmare on Elm Street days. And don't forget to look out for David Hess. He played a violent thug named Krug in Last House on the Left. In Swamp Thing he plays, well, a violent thug named Ferret. Unfortunately, he doesn't sing in this one.

Well, that's Rabid About Film for now, so long and remember, the walls have teeth!

A Lesson in Greed.

2005-10-11T22:27:00.000-07:00

UB dropout bastardizes the art of film in the name of the almighty dollar.

Don't really know what to say about this, except that it explains everything.

It ain't fair, man.

2005-10-08T23:41:00.000-07:00

You know, irony really is a bitch when you decide to swear off buying DVDs for a while, just when one of the higher-ups at Amazon thinks "Hey, what the hell, let's have a huge sale on our Asian horror DVDs!" I blame society.

It came half-way through today's botched film shoot that things need to be changed in filmmaking. It's becoming painfully obvious that film is one of the most uncreative mediums that exists. The filmmaking process is more of a Nazi march than a way to express oneself. Why can't you just let the camera run and go with it? I wish things were like that. I wish it wasn't so much like painting by numbers. I also wish I wasn't down to my last kiwi-flavored jelly bean.

Sorry to sound like a cranky old fart, but I was just discouraged by the lack of spontaneity in the filmmaking process. It seems like the only creativity in filmmaking is when you write something down, and nobody ever wants to do that. All I was thinking when I was shooting today was "I have to do this, this too, if I don't do this it's not gonna work." There's gotta be a better way.

People I have officially called the wolves off on.

2005-10-04T16:24:00.000-07:00

As many of you people who know Eric the Terrible personally already know, he's got an enemies list a mile long. However, it's really exhausting doing so much hating. So for the sake of avoiding an early heart attack death, this entry I'm going to officially name the people who are no longer on my shit list.

1. Kevin Smith, I was looking at his video journal for Clerks 2. I won't say that he's no longer the sellout Kevin Smith and he's going back to his roots, but I think the monstrous failure of Jersey Girl has taught Mr. Smith a lesson in humility. Will he make some more good movies, probably not, but at least the hype has finally died down.

2. George Lucas, this guy gets so much venom from his own fans my hellfire and brimstone is no longer necessary. In other words, my work is done. And I have to admit, despite everything Empire Strikes Back is a good flick.

3. Steven Spielberg, truth of the matter is, his mild cinematic villainy is nothing compared to the cartoonish supervillainy of producers like Jerry Bruckheimer or Michael Bay. So it's kind of hard to hate on Spielberg so aggressively when there are bigger douchebags out there. And again, not even I can deny the Indiana Jones movies, or Hook.

4. Uwe Boll, I don't know if he was ever an enemy in the first place, but how can you really hate this guy? It would be like making fun of a kindergartener's painting. He was single-handedly created the 'zoombie' genre.

5. Chris Gore, I had a beef with him and Film Threat and "everything they stand for" for a little bit. But the point is they've got a great website run by people with an undying love for the movies and they pay more attention to independent movies than anyone else. Even though they review lots of mainstream films, they're plenty harsh on them most of the time.

6. Fangoria, you can't really blame them for the low quality of horror films these days. They try their hardest.

I think that's it for now. Of course there are people who will always remain on my shit list. Jerry Bruckheimer, Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp, Matthew Barney, Stray Productions, the MPAA. etc etc etc. For reasons I'll keep to myself for now, or else this entry will look more like a novel.

I want to take some time to give a short review for the new edition of Walter Hill's The Warriors, because it's more of a word of warning than a review. The DVD art dazzle the prospective buyer with the words "Ultimate Director's Cut," making them think that this new DVD contains newly found lost footage of this late 70s classic. Perhaps we'll be treated with some more comic book violence or even some cool character development, more of the stuff that made The Warriors the action masterpiece it is today. However, I must say BUYER BEWARE! Walter Hill has gone Lucas on us. He has revised the film to convey the original vision he intended but didn't succeed with. The new cut offers nothing more than some comic book-esque scene transitions and a strange prologue declaring that the movie takes place "sometime in the future." These transitions were obviously made in 2005 and tamper with the film's 70s authenticity. I'm not going to say this director's cut is horrible, but it is in no way the definitive DVD of the film and is strictly for die-hard Warriors fans only and should not replace the previous Paramount release.

Well, that's Rabid About Film. So long and watch out for them Baseball Furies!

Review - A History of Violence.

2005-10-01T10:41:00.000-07:00

I've been a fan of David Cronenberg since I was an angry teenager. I had always been drawn to his unique take on the horror and sci-fi genres with his recurring themes of body-transformation and human depravity. The monsters he creates are indeed monsters, but they also have one foot steeped in reality and the human soul. The only thing more disturbing than Seth Brundle slowly transforming into a hideous fly-monster is that he's starting to like it. He's so delusional from the scientific discovery that he's not concerned with his body decaying at an alarming rate. Oh yeah, the patented acting of Jeff Goldblum helped too. Probably the only role where it actually fit in, hehe.

But that was 1986, now it's 2005, what's Dave "Deprave" Cronenberg doing these days? Well, it's called A History of Violence and it's about the strange events that follow a family man's killing of two thugs in self-defense. Small town regular joe Tom Stall (Viggo Mortensen) doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would have it in him, but he quickly dispatched those two scumbags in gruesome fashion. After that he's celebrated by the community for standing up to them. He's a hero. But Tom just wants to get on with his life with his great wife and kids. Unfortunately, it's not the pesky reporters who are the problem, it's the shady character wants to talk to Tom. Carl Fogarty (Ed Harris) shows up one day at Tom's diner claiming that he knows Tom, and he keeps calling him Joey.

From watching the trailer, there's a good chance the viewer can figure out what Carl is talking about, but I'm going to try and not divulge any details of this film no matter how obvious they may be, because that could spoil the viewing experience of a damn fine movie.

What David Cronenberg has here is an unflinching exploration into the darkest regions of the human soul, things that some of us didn't think were there. Even in the most timid, friendly smiling face there can lurk a sick fuck. Movies like this just might get you to ask questions about your parents before they met each other, or exactly who is that pleasant guy that sits at the pew across from you at church every Sunday? Like Lynch's Blue Velvet, A History of Violence takes the least threatening environment imaginable, small-town America, and transforms it into something violent and perverted. From the opening scene, a painfully long shot of the two ill-fated armed robbers making their rounds, this film shatters the thin shell of normality. After that the characters are introduced in curiously warm and happy fashion. I was about to lose my lunch as I saw how Stepford these people were acting. But like all great suburbia gone bad movies, the more pleasant it starts out, the sicker it'll get later. And it does.

Finally, a word of warning. A History of Violence is not a cute title. This is appropriately brutal. Even I was surprised at how much violence was in this movie. And it's the kind of realistic violence that makes you flinch, not the cartoonish slasher movie violence that makes you laugh. There is also a good amount of dirty sex here too. I say dirty because it's not the usual Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis making love in blue-lit silhouette type of thing. It's filthy and makes the viewer pretty uncomfortable. Don't bring your significant other.

This is a David Cronenberg movie, but it isn't. There's still the themes of transformation and savage violence, but he's brought it somewhere else. This might be one of his most human films so far. Gone are Jeff Goldblum's acid vomit and James Woods' stomach-vagina formation. Instead we have Viggo Mortensen as a man who was perfectly content with his simple life, suddenly transforming into something else, something horrible.

Horns up \m/

Also, if you want to hear my take on the significance of the appearance unshaven female crotch in this movie, just let me know.

Breakin' News 2: Electric Boogaloo.

2005-09-29T15:40:00.000-07:00

http://www.dvdtimes.co.uk/content.php?contentid=57791

Can you dig it?

Guess who's back, motherfuckers?

2005-09-28T16:08:00.000-07:00

Yeah, that's right. Just when I thought Mr. Takashi Miike was going to take it easy and only make on feature film this year, out of the blue I hear he's already started shooting his newest film, Waru - Final, which is based on a popular manga and stars Miike regulars Sho Aikawa and Ryo Ishibashi. I don't really know what to expect from this one, but it's pretty futile to have expectations for a Miike film.

http://www.twitchfilm.net/archives/003668.html

Also, it has been said that Miike's American debut for the Masters of Horror series on Showtime will star none other than that Dutch maniac Rutger Hauer. Sounds like a hoot. Let's just hope that Miike doesn't end up going completely Hollywood.

Apparently Eli Roth's upcoming sophomore effort Hostel has been switched from Sony Screen Gems to good ol' Lions Gate. That is a good thing. Lion's Gate has a better understanding about what makes a quality modern horror film. Sony would simply hassle Roth about trimming down the violence and disturbing elements (ya know, the stuff that makes a horror film horrifying) and castrate it into a family friendly PG-13 sleeping pill, which Sony is really good at making. I've said it before and I'll say it again, DEATH TO FALSE HORROR!

I don't know about you but The Fog looks like absolute shit.
I don't know about you but A History of Violence looks pretty cool.
I don't know about you but I don't give a rat's ass about King Kong.

Not a whole lot to report this time, so let's just cut to the chase. .:!VIDEO PICK OF THE WEEK!:. *cue trumpets, farting noise, katana slicing through bone* How about Akira Kurosawa's The Seven Samurai. I will admit I have yet to finish this movie but plan to rent it again and finally see the last hour. But what I have seen is pure cinematic exhilaration, sure it's a three hour plus film, but it is not boring in the least bit (I didn't finish it because it was getting late). A simple plot that leads into fully fleshed characters, great performances, believable action scenes, and a healthy dose of humor. The samurai film was the Japanese equivalent of the western movie (in fact this film inspired the Magnificent Seven), and this is one of the greatest accomplishments of the genre.

Alright, boils and ghouls, that's Rabid About Film, goodnight and have a pleasant hysterectomy! HAIL!

Review - The Corpse Bride.

2005-09-24T20:53:00.000-07:00

It's really hard and sometimes painful to see the end of an era. Remember when Poison pathetically eeked their way through a performance on MTV? And on that same program Nirvana had made their television debut? It was the visual personification of the death of hair-metal and the beginning of grunge. Of course in a case of some damn good irony, grunge music later became as big a joke as hair-metal. And of course, who can forget Marlon Brando's slow and painful plunge into mediocrity. I'm not sure exactly where it started, but it led to a series of incredibly expensive cameos and uninteresting supporting roles and a merciless barrage of fat jokes on the television show The Critic ("Push boys, push").

I'm mentioning this because I firmly believe that Tim Burton's The Corpse Bride can be racked up along with these bitter unhappy endings. Some people thought it was the conventional Planet of the Apes or Mars Attacks was Burton's downfall, but something tells me that this was it. I believe this because in this film Burton tries absolutely nothing new.

Let's make a quick plot summary because I don't think it's worth much time to discuss. A timid young son (voiced Johnny "Oh, please like me! Marlon Brando said I was good! C'mon!" Depp) of a wealthy family is undergoing an arranged marriage to a young woman (Emily Watson). His nervousness brings on delays in the ceremony, and while practicing his vows in the forest, he accidentally resurrects the corpse of a woman (Helena "Tim Burton is brilliant, I'm fucking Tim Burton, therefore I'm brilliant as well" Bonham-Carter") who then proceeds to claim him as his husband. Hijinx ensue.

Shit, that wasn't quick enough.

A lot of other reviewers were spot on when they said this film is basically a sequel to Nightmare Before Christmas. However, so far I haven't heard any of them consider that similarity a bad thing. Well, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it is. Victor is Jack Skellington, Emily is Sally, and the skeleton dog is Zero. It's as simple as that. This film is no more than Burton's attempt to win back his fans who were disgusted by Planet of the Apes and disappointed because Big Fish wasn't like Edward Scissorhands. Of course, by now the only Tim Burton fans who are still around are teenage Hot Topic mall goths with those ugly-ass baggy pants and too much goddam black eyeliner and feel obligated to always wear a Jack Skellington and/or Johnny the Homicidal Maniac related t-shirt. And since Tim Burton was so obsessed with winning back his fans, he seemed to have skimped a little in the originality and engaging storyline and characters department. This is less of Tim Burton movie and more of a pretentious ass film student trying to emulate Tim Burton. Sure it has all the motions, but it has less of a heart than the decomposed cadavers in the film.

Honestly, I stopped caring about Tim Burton not too long after I sprouted pubic hair. And now it's official, he is no longer interesting. The characters, the story, it's all been done before and much better. To be fair I will admit that I enjoyed the musical numbers done by Danny Elfman (another false idol to countless pretenious film students).

Just go rent Pee-Wee's Big Adventure or Beetlejuice instead. At least you can see a film that doesn't feel like it was made from a checklist.

Horns down! /m\

She had a DVD, then she gave it to me. She tried to tell me I got it from a toilet seat, yeah right.

2005-09-21T22:13:00.000-07:00

Just a reminder for all the hardcore horror punks out there, the long-awaited, long-delayed, and helluva overdue official American DVD release of Cannibal Holocaust is coming from Grindhouse Releasing on October 25th. I've already pre-ordered mine and encourage others to do so as well, as this will be in a limited quantity and is already going fast. Apparently it is one of the top ten pre-orders in the country, right alongside Episode III. Ha! Take that, Lucas!

September 27th will see the release of yet another Evil Dead DVD of questionable necessity. I'm sorry but I can't keep buying this stuff over and over again. This time it's Evil Dead 2 getting the special treatment, even it already has. Also released that day is the cringe in yer seat classic Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer.

Further notable DVD releases occur on Oct. 11th (the day before my birthday, hint hint). Several classic Godzilla movies, the uncut and undubbed version of High Tension, local boy Greg Lamberson's Slime City, this Argentinean zombie-fest I've been hearing about called Plaga Zombie: Mutant Zone, Miike's Izo (beat ya, Media Blasters), and the Australian walking corpse-fest Undead.

Big up to Lions Gate for supplying us rabid terrornauts with horrific delights from the east, west, and everywhere in between. But you're still not forgiven for Alone in the Dark.

While everybody (including myself) might be talking up a storm about Tony Jaa this and Tony Jaa that, it's still very well-understood that the real martial arts machine is and will probably remain Jet Li. Click here for picks from his newest chop-socky epic, Fearless, where he portrays legendary martial artist Huo Yuanjia. It's good to see Mr. Li sporting the old school pony tail look we'd come to know and love from such kung fu pics like Once Upon A Time in China. Martial arts mistress Michelle Yeoh co-stars too.

In addition to finally releasing a decent DVD of Audition in the states, Lions Gate is going to give a limited release of 2003's asian horror tryptych, Three...Extremes. Wicked awesome.

And now...a long overdue .:!VIDEO PICK OF THE WEEK!:. *cue trumpets, sour notes, conductor screaming racial epithets* Through the age of the motion pictures, there have been strange occurrences called "subgenres." Some of these subgenres have lasted quite a bit, the horror-comedy, the terminal illness drama, and the pairing an action hero with a child/animal/mythical creature have all been resilient subgenres. But some of them have been simple trends that have come and gone. Sadly, the underwater Nazi zombie movies (Shockwaves, Zombie Lake), the horny space adventures (Barbarella, Flesh Gordon), and the horror-themed hardcore porno (Forced Entry, Hardgore) have not been so enduring. But one of the most mind-boggling (and brief) subgenres was the 1980s animated rock n roll sci-fi adventure, and a staggering example would be 1983's Rock and Rule. Directed by Clive A. Smith, the producer responsible for such cartoon throwaways like Droids, Ewoks, The Care Bears, and (a childhood favorite of mine) Eek! the Cat, the wafer-thin plot involves flamboyant superocker Mok (David Bowie meets Lex Luthor) kidnapping the female singer of a garage rock band (whose songs bear a striking resemblance to Blondie and Cheap Trick) in order to use her special voice to summon an ancient demon. What follows is endless psychedelic musical numbers, goofy characters with exaggerated proportions, and hideous 80s fashion that is supposed to be the vogue of the apocalyptic future. You know, the word apocalyptic is thrown around so much it's lost all meaning. I think it basically means that the government is still around, but things are just kind of dirty, but in a stylish way. Featuring some cool music by Blondie, Cheap Trick, Iggy Pop, Lou Reed, and Earth, Wind, and Fire (well, um).

Okay, kids that's it for Rabid About Film! So long and thanks for all the cold-cuts!

It's Your Own Damn Fault!

2005-09-16T19:57:00.000-07:00

WARNING: This edition of Rabid About Film is the first time Eric the Terrible uses the word "cunt" in a commentary.

Over the past few years I among legions of other serious film buffs have become increasingly frustrated over the decline in quality of the American film industry. We've been mercilessly bombarded with sequels, prequels, remakes, re-imaginings, rip-offs, adaptations, re-adaptations, and any other buzz-word Hollywood wants to use in place of the phrase "unoriginal crap."

But let's not kid ourselves, this is not a recent occurrence. Ever since its beginnings the Hollywood film industry has been run by greedy, unimaginative vampires who delight in anally violating an artist's vision. Art means nothing to them, entertainment means nothing to them, and finally, films mean nothing to them. The people with their fingers on the button and the power to give the red light or green light for projects are nothing more than tin-eared, graph paper-brained accountants instead of filmmakers and film enthusiasts. My apologies to Jello Biafra for stealing his "tin-eared, graph paper-brained accountants" gag. Anyways, these people put out crap and they damn well know it. However, with every 5 Rob Schneider films that came out there was always a new classic that would get released too. These new, original, engaging, and super-cool movies were more than reason enough for the Hollywood system to continue their existence, and not get the Toxic Avenger's mop shoved up its ass.

Unfortunately, in the past few years, it's turned to 6 to 1. Then 8 to 1. Now it's about 15 to 1. Even worse, the remake to honest to goodness original idea ratio is even worse. And to add insult to injury, they've co-opted and perverted the talents of those once-great cult and underground directors we all loved when we were all crazy punk-ass kids. Peter Jackson won't even pretend that he was the director of Brain Dead. Sam Raimi is now a figure of worship by those comic book fanboy losers at Ain't It Cool (how the film enthusiast groups merged with the comic book enthusiast groups I'll never know). Wes Craven wants to make romantic comedies now. Whiny art-school brats and music video directors are being considered geniuses, any social debutante that can give a good blowjob can get a part, any meatheaded college running back that can properly pronounce spaghetti can be a leading man, any stupid television trend, no matter mind-numbingly dull and stupid and throwaway it is, can get its film version, any sitcom that is old enough for mallrats to be unfamiliar with will get its cinematic "re-imagining", complete with some horse-faced cunt in hot pants, squeezing her tits at the appropriate moments. So what the hell happened? Why are movies getting worse? Why are more feature films being shot on shitty video and completely behind green-screens? Why are good actors hard to find? How does Uwe Boll keep getting work?

"Can we get a movie that I don't have to think about too much?"
I heard this while browsing my local Hollywood Video. If you want to know why all movies are going down the shitter in America, just listen in to the conversations of your fellow patrons at the video rentals. I've also heard from friends who have worked at video rentals about ridiculous claims that the Son of the Mask was the greatest movie in the world because of all the cool special effects. I've even heard of illiterate ass-clowns who are looking for a movie that hasn't even been released in theaters yet! Dumbasses who can't read and figure out that the version of War of the Worlds they rented is NOT the thinly-masked scientology campaign starring Tom Cruise, and they want their money back!

I'm not saying all Americans are dumb and have horrible taste in movies. But they have seemed to accept the fact that truly good movies are not being made anymore, so they've thrown up the white flag and are begrudgingly viewing the non-threatening, politically correct bat shit that is being churned out every week. So just let make one plea. If you know a movie is going to be bad, just don't see it. If you think it's a travesty to remake that timeless classic, don't give it a chance. If you think Wes Craven has lost his balls, let him know the fact. Do not give them your money. I will admit I have been guilty of seeing deliberately seeing bad movies in the theater (Cursed), even though I damn well knew I was going to walk out of the theater with a mouthful of bile. I was seeing it for laughs. It was a trainwreck that I wanted to witness. But please, this sort of behavior must be stopped. Stop seeing bad movies, please. Keep this box office slump going. Make them pay. Make them go from super rich to just rich. Stop the insanity.

Please take this advice, this is the last straw. If movies start getting worse, it's your own damn fault. You retarded morons deserve this. Stop whining on message boards about how movies suck. You all brought this on yourselves.

And you ass-clowns wonder about why I've been watching mainly Asian movies, huh?

Damn, muthafucka! That really was a Hattori Hanzo blade!

2005-09-10T15:30:00.000-07:00

Samuel L. Jackson as the Afro Samurai. I'm not making this up! It's really happening! Apparently it's based off a manga.

You stinkin' fanboys.

2005-09-08T23:33:00.000-07:00

Apparently Topher Grace is going to be playing Venom in Spiderman 3. Thomas Haden Church will play Sandman, whoever he is. I felt like reporting this li'l bit of mainstream rumor for the sake of beating Pete to the punch. Eat shit, Pete. Or eat pie, whatever you perverts call it.

Chan Wook Park's newest Sympathy for Lady Vengeance will be playing at the Toronto Film Festival next week. If I have the gumption to make a drive across the border I could very well see this. Also showing is Yokai Daisenso and a work-in-progress of Eli Roth's Hostel. I think I'd rather see that when it's completely finished.

Got my grubby hands on the new DVD of Street Trash. Couldn't wait until the 2-disc version. Besides, special features are really overrated. All I demand in a DVD is that the film is indeed the director's approved cut and that it's widescreen. Also on the DVD front, Ruggero Deodato's Cannibal Holocaust, quite the possibly the finest film ever made that deals with the situation of cannibals in a holocaust, is finally getting its well-deserved disc on October 25 by those fine folks at Grindhouse Releasing. If it's half as good as Grindhouse's presentation of I Drink Your Blood, this is going to be heavy. Though I hope that Cannibal will be widescreen, as I Drink Your Blood was not, which is understandable considering the brutal slashing of the film by projectionists all around the country when it was first released.

And finally, it seems that Deodato has the balls to make a Cannibal sequel, tentatively titled Cannibal Metropolis. It seems that he wants to take the flesh-munching into a cityscape. Tree-huggers rest assured that he is no longer interested in using real-life violence towards animals if this get produced, as he admits that using animals as a stupid idea.

Okay, that's Rabid About Film. Where's my drool-cup?

Review - Godzilla: Final Wars.

2005-09-04T12:53:00.000-07:00

First, I want to get this off my chest. To all the morons who like to ruin other people's theater experience, you need to die. Nobody likes to hear your stupid comments, this is not MST3K, and you are not even remotely as witty as Joel Hodgson or even Mike Nelson for that matter! No one is impressed by your vast knowledge of obscure science-fiction movies and Saturday morning cartoons. Finally, that girl that's sitting between the two of you no-life losers who still live with mom, that girl is most certainly never going to let you have sex with her unless you give the old roofie colada maneuver. So for the sake of all the people who came to the theater to actually watch what is on the screen, instead of trying to re-assure themselves of how funny they are and to impress the girl who you have absolutely no chances with, SHUT THE HELL UP! I'm all for making humorous comments while watching movies, but in the privacy of my own home, not in the goddamn theaters.

Sorry, but I came across this problem while watching Godzilla: Final Wars. Now on to the review.

What the hell is Toho thinking? Are they absolutely serious about putting an end to the long-running Godzilla franchise? Don't they realize that the big monster they call Gojira has been protecting the japanese economy from complete disarray for the past 50 years? Don't they anticipate the inevitable chaos in the streets of Japan in reaction to this radical decision? Well, I guess it had to happen sometime. Although I think everyone is taking this claim with a big ol' grain of salt. Another fake end to the Godzilla saga was supposed to be 1995's Godzilla Vs. Destroyer, which actually closed with the radioactive death of the Big G. Of course, that event only spawned a new series of Tokyo-levelling rampages. So only time will tell.

But in the event that this is actually really truly mean it this time the last Godzilla, this film sure is one of hell of a high note. This is probably the biggest Godzilla movie budget in the history of the series. Toho certainly wanted to pull out all the stops in terms of action, destruction, and monsters. The slate of Godzilla's opponent are like a WWF battle royale that includes all the favorites like Gigan, Mothra, and everyone's favorite Ghidrah. The human scenes are more than just filler, as this story involves mutants, kung fu, aliens in human disguise, and one tough as nails Godzilla task force commander who looks a lot like Josef Stalin. There's even a re-arranged version of the classic Godzilla theme by that guy from Emerson, Lake and Palmer (Emerson I think). And to top it all off, it's directed and co-written by rising Japanese movie brat Ryuhei Kitamura (Versus, Azumi). Quite a bold move to hand a long-running franchise to a hip new director, maybe Hollywood should do that more, instead of giving remake assignments to car commercial directors. But I can't help but imagine what would happen if Takashi Miike was given the director's seat. I'd assume Godzilla would turn into an emotionally disturbed yakuza assassin who likes to have a ladle up his ass during sex, but that's neither here nor there.

Okay, plot description, if that even matters. Godzilla has been captured by the Defense Force and frozen at the North Pole for safe keeping. After that, there comes the old "us here aliens is gonna take over yer earth with these here giant monsters, son" storyline, which results in the unleashing of a legion of all your favorite kaijus crushing famous landmarks all over the world. Rodan in New York, Kumonga in New Guinea, and some incompetent CGI ass-clown in Sydney, Australia. Godzilla is then unleashed with all fire-breathing, tail-whipping, fist-swinging fury that you expect, and then some. Monsters are killed, cities destroyed, and no valuable lessons are learned.

If you're one of those types who really demand things from films like plot and logic and believable true to life acting, well, what the hell are you doing reading this review anyway? Godzilla films are around for one reason and one reason only: fun. Well, the original Godzilla was of course a metaphor for the dangers of nuclear technology, but Final Wars is definitely all about fun. There's plenty of action to fill up three movies. Lots of traditional monster action, all that great spaceship-bound action Star Trek fans love, and a heaping helping of out of control kung fu. Don't be expecting anything Orson Welles-ish, because you are not going to get it. Ryuhei Kitamura couldn't have been more perfect for this film, as direct with the kind of nonstop energy and exuberance that was needed to take the Godzilla legacy to new, crazy levels. Godzilla is amped up for 2005 audiences, while at the same time staying true to the classic films.

There's even a hilarious subplot with a grandfather-grandson team discovering Godzilla's son Minya in the woods. These scenes are great because they perfectly re-capture the pure kitschiness of the 1969 aimed-for-kids effort Godzilla's Revenge.

So in conclusion, I give Godzilla: Final Wars the horns. If you want nothing more than fast-paced monster mayhem and plenty of buildings being crushed, this simply cannot be missed. If you demand movies with sappy sentimentality and lines like "You complete me," then please stop reading my blog, you are not wanted here.

Beasts From the East!

2005-09-01T14:05:00.000-07:00

Ladies and non-vagina havers, I'm bringing you my first Rabid About Film report from my new space age bachelor pad in the Buffalo, birthplace of the hooker!

Today, I'm gonna give some tidbits about one of my favorite topics; Asian movies!

Word has it that so far Takashi Miike's newest opus Yokai Daisenso (or The Great Goblin War) has made 14.6 million dollars (or yen? Not sure) at the Japanese box office. After that it will make its festival rounds and inform jaded movie-goers what legions of rabid fans already know, Miike cannot be stopped!
www.yokai-movie.com

And to all my friends in the other Great White North (Western New York), be sure to make a pilgrimage to the Dryden Theater at the George Eastman House in Rochester on Saturday September 3rd for a special screening of Godzilla: Final Wars. It's gonna be the Big G's final screen appearance (or at least for a while) so get out your hanky! But of course not before he goes on a world destruction tour and kicks the crap out of a lot of other monsters! Remember when Titanic came out and by the end of the movie a mass exodus of crying pre-teen girls were exiting the theater after that guy from Growing Pains froze to death? I'd like to think that's what will happen when the Big Scaly One will give his goodbyes to the loyal fans. Box office opens at 7 pm.
http://www.godzilla.co.jp/multimedia.php

And now that Godzilla is no longer competition, the latest chapter in the heart-rending Gamera saga will be unleashed on the public. Maybe it's just the kid in me that yearns for a giant fire-breathing turtle that can soar through the sky like a flaming frisbee doing battle with some other sort of absurd creature. And no matter how the story ends, Japan will be completely reduced to rubble, only to be quickly reconstructed in time for the next one.
http://gamera.jp/

Holy alzheimer's, Batman! It's been a long time since I've made my ..:!VIDEO PICK OF THE WEEK!:.. *cue trumpets* Not so weekly anymore, is it? This time around, kick back with a few cold ones (and a couple of warm ones) and check out the barely competent 80s slasher "classic" Sleepaway Camp. Does it have thrills? Well, no. Does it have massive blood and guts? A bit. Does it have lots of horny co-eds getting naked for no good reason? Not until Part 2. Just check the movie out for the atrocious acting, tomato paste violence, and truly hideous 80s fashion. I tell ya, the men are walking around half-naked all the time! And how the hell do they keep their balls from falling out of their hot pants? Oh yeah, be prepared for the "truly shocking" ending. Yeah sure. Well, it's better than "Oh my god, he was dead the whole time!"

Alright, boys and ghouls, that's Rabid About Film. And remember, lock and loll!

Review - Red Eye.

2005-08-22T20:40:00.000-07:00

Yeesh.

Review - Last Life in the Universe.

2005-08-18T10:09:00.000-07:00

The first review I posted here was for the film Sin City, and now that film is out on video. Is it just me, or does that constitute some sort of anniversary for Rabid About Film? Either way, I'm drinking heavily.

A few days ago I rented the film "Last Life in the Universe," directed by Pen-Ek Ratanaruang, with cinematography by Christopher Doyle and starring "Japanese superstar" Asano Tadanobu (that's what it said on the box, and I sure as hell believe it). It's quite the task to review this film, as it just might be considered unreviewable. It's hard to explain why this is a good movie, other than saying "it's friggin awesome" a number of times. There isn't really much of a plot for me to spend a paragraph describing.

What drew me to renting the film was some of the people involved with it. While I've never heard of the director, several of the actors caught my attention. Asano Tadanobu portrayed what might be one of the greatest villains in film history as Kakihara, the ultimate masochist whose showdown with the ultimate sadist results in total blue balls, in "Ichi the Killer." He also grabbed my attention as the unemployed ronin in Takeshi Kitano's version of "Zatoichi." Other interesting appearances include Riki Takeuchi from "Dead or Alive" and thrown in for good measure was a small role compliments of Japan's favorite workaholic director Takashi Miike. Also, according to the credits, there's an appearance from Charlie Brown himself, Sakichi Sato. Another interesting aspect was the cinematography from Christopher Doyle, who had also worked on the "Dumplings" segment from "Three Extremes," "Hero," and 2000's "In the Mood For Love," which I had reluctantly admitted to have enjoyed quite a bit, despite the fact that it's a love story and nobody gets shot even once.

While one or two people do indeed get shot in "Last Life in the Universe," this is a love story, and a very entertaining one at that. The simple plot involves Kenji and Noi, two totally opposite lost souls, one a suicidal obsessive-compulsive librarian and the other a messy stoner, who are brought together through tragedy. Very slowly the two fall in love. Seriously, that's it. There's a couple story turns that would ruin it if I mentioned them, but that's the meat and potatoes.

So why the hell do I like this movie so much? Because despite the fact that it's a love story, there is still this underlying dark quality to it. However, that's not to say that this film has no heart. It has a huge heart. The interaction between Kenji and Noi are absolutely charming. They don't make these overblown professions of love or any of that "You had me at hello" crap. Instead, we see the little things. The awkward silences, the little banter at the dinner table, his attempts to clean up her messy house, it's all more real and convincing than a certain Top Gun trying to woo some chick by badly singing a Righteous Brothers tune.

As I can recall from my faded memories of "In the Mood For Love," Doyle takes it down a notch with this one. The cinematography is much more straight-forward and it is more than appropriate. Doyle's choice compliments the deadpan mood of the story and characters perfectly. When there is an intense action happening, we don't necessarily see the action, but we see the aftermath (i.e. a broken window at the film's climax). The camera most of the time stays put. No overuse of dollys here. A definite horns to Christopher Doyle for choosing to put the film first instead of simple self-indulgent camera wanking. But while it is concise in its imagery, the film remains enigmatic and dreamy. We don't know when we're seeing what's really happened or if our hero's mind is just wandering. This all adds to the climax which left me scratching my head for a while, but in a good way.

Now the acting. Asano Tadanobu is becoming a favorite of mine. He is considered Japan's answer to Johnny Depp, but I've never seen Johnny Depp cut his own tongue off in a movie before. Asano's performance is skillfully reserved and proves that simple actions and expressions can speak more than an entire monologue. Sinitta Boonyasak is also great as the laid back Noi. Takashi Miike's small role as a yakuza is, for some reason, absolutely hilarious. I've been convinced that Miike is currently the King of All Cool in film, but when he's all decked out head to toe in a snake-skin suit, he couldn't possibly look dorkier. He does however deliver one of the funniest lines in the movie ("Don't worry, we're not Arabs."). Unfortunately, Riki Takeuchi barely lasts a minute in the film, so we aren't able to enjoy the intense facial aerobics he delighted audiences with in "Battle Royal 2".

In conclusion, "Last Life in the Universe" gets the horns. It is a great off-beat romantic drama with brilliant acting, sublime camerawork, and proves once again that the Asians love to do things differently. I found this at my Blockbuster of all places, and I beg for people to go seek it out, I think you'll be absolutely delighted.

Too big for this world.

2005-08-10T21:22:00.001-07:00

RIP Matthew McGrory 1973-2005

Thanks shithead!

2005-08-09T22:11:00.000-07:00

This spring me and my fellow film-going buddies were fortunate enough to catch the elbow-and-knee tornado that is Tony Jaa in his breakthrough film "Ong Bak." I had already seen it via bootleg DVD, but was once again awestruck at Jaa's breathtaking physicality. Martial arts mayhem at its finest. At one point, Tony's character Ting gets shot in the chest by the lead baddie. However, we simply shook our heads and said "Yeah, right." In numerous action films, a character always ends up getting shot in the chest or shoulder or what have you, and of course they get up like it's nothing. Of course, Ting gets back, but considering all the gravity-defying artistry he's pulled off throughout the course of the film, him getting up after being shot seemed perfectly plausible. We were convinced that nothing could possibly take down Tony Jaa. We were convinced he could've kicked that tsunami's ass.

But in a horrid twist of fate, it seems that the most unlikely of sources has succeeded in destroying Tony Jaa: two UB dropouts. Bob and Harvey Weinstein have bought the US rights to Jaa's newest extravaganza "Tom Yum Goong." Knowing the reprehensible business tactics of the film industry's biggest douchebags this side of Jack Valenti, it's most likely that they are going to do with it what they do to all of their acquired Asian films, shelf them. Sit on them for a few years, and when they finally decide to expose them to the light, they will absolutely butcher them in the editing room, add stupid hip hop music, and make the subplots incomprehensible, further alienating American audiences from the wonderful world of Asian cinema. Thanks a lot, Bob and Harvey. May the size of your penises equal the size of your egos.

Horns down to the Weinsteins. I was actually hoping I could see this movie in a theater.

Review - Wedding Crashers

2005-08-05T20:54:00.000-07:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Good comedy is very hard to find. It is probably the film genre in which the good to ungodly awful ratio is the most severe. Taking a glance at my growing DVD collection, the comedy section is in dire need of being built on (the largest, horror of course, second largest, Asian). There's no middle ground when it comes to a comedy being successful. It absolutely has to be funny. A horror movie can still be good even if it didn't keep you up that night. A romantic drama can still be good even if it didn't have you crying like a little baby with a skinned knee. Nobody gives two shits about the brilliant cinematography or art direction of their favorite comedy (although those things do indeed contribute to the laughs), there is only one point that can determine whether or not this comedy is a good movie: Did it make me laugh? When someone is lucky enough to walk into a theater and laugh hysterically at what rolls for the next hour and a half, they just might leave telling everyone and their sister to go do the same. "See this movie, it's absolutely hilarious! You'll piss yourself laughing" is something they might tell their friends. It's like their purpose in life is to get as many people as possible to see this movie and share the howls of laughter.

I will say this right now, "Wedding Crashers" is a hilarious film that everybody should see. Granted, it won't save your life, pay your rent, or help you overcome your nasty bout with anorexia, but I'll be damned if you don't get a good laugh at least a few times. I've never been a huge fan of this emerging comedy clique of Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell, Jack Black, Vince Vaughn, and a few others, but this film made me think that at least some of these guys just might be onto something. It is this film that firmly and officially plants Bizarro Norman Bates (er, I mean Vince Vaughn) as one of today's best comedic talents. He has this sleazy wit that's very reminiscent of 1980s Bill Murray and Tim Matheson in his Otter days. Seriously, please stop trying to do dramatic roles, comedy needs you. I've never really cared much for Owen Wilson, except for his roles in Wes Anderson's films. However, his charm here makes me want to reconsider my cynicism.

Okay, plot summary. Wilson and Vaughn play John and Jeremy, two friends and divorce case mediators (or some job that I'm not sure exists) who over the years have skillfully crafted the perfect schemes to meet girls without committment. Following the rules and methods pioneered by their mentor, Chaz, they sneak their way into weddings of all varieties and concoct wildly absurd stories to win over the affection of the easily manipulated women who are all swept up with all the love in the air, what with the wedding and all. The pair have their way with the women of their choice and quickly flee the scene. But while at their latest venture, the wedding of the daughter of the Secretary of Treasury (by the way, he puts his pants on like everyone else, one leg at a time, but after he's put them on, he makes gold records), a wrench gets thrown into their well-oiled machine. Jeremy gets stuck with Gloria (Isla Fisher) who wants to do the whole true love thing, but he can't flee because John is still chasing the Secretary's other daughter Claire (Rachel McAdams), whom he might also want to be doing the whole true love "You had me at hello" type of thing. The two end up going with the family to their summer home by the lake, and various forms of hilarity ensues involving McAdams's testosterone overdosed fiance, and Jeremy's conquest who is becoming infatuated with him to the point of obsession. There's a nice little happy ending that's not too forced, people fall in love, and John finally gets to meet the legendary Chazz, a show-stopping cameo that I wouldn't dream of giving away.

Sure this film is contrived as all hell, but I never heard anybody complaining about the contrivedness of "Stripes," which I firmly believe that this film is on the same level of. Vince Vaughn oozes wit and Owen Wilson is pretty damn likeable as hell. Christopher Walken does his whole Christopher Walken thing, and Isla Fisher is borderline creepy as the sickeningly sweet Gloria. Unlike most R-rated comedies that are coming out these days, this one does not simply do the gratuitous thing for the sake of doing the gratuitous thing. There is real charisma here. The smart-ass dialogue packs a real punch and the characters are just plain characters. To jaded movie-goers, give it a chance, it's a real riot and you just might agree.

Rating: \m/

Well, that's Rabid About Film, and remember, we're venture capitalists!

Rising Reference of Terror!

2005-07-28T15:44:00.000-07:00

In service to my loyal readers (Pete, Dave, and occasionally an Adam or two), here's a list of recent horror films (approximately 2000 to now) that are worth a look or two and just might be the beacon of a new age of terror. It took quite a bit of thinking to get his together, as it was hard to separate the solid efforts (High Tension) from the flash in the pan fad films (Dawn of the Dead '04).

Cabin Fever
May
Toolbox Murders
28 Days Later...
Ginger Snaps
American Psycho
Audition
Dead Birds
Land of the Dead
Shaun of the Dead
House of 1000 Corpses
Devil's Rejects
High Tension
Bubba Ho-Tep
Three Extremes
Gozu
Visitor Q
Shallow Ground

And the count for potential upcoming horror thrills:
Hostel
Fido
The Hills Have Eyes
Yokai Desenso
Masters of Horror anthology
Creep
Feast
Satan's Playground
The Woods
Isolation
Night Watch
Undead (this one never came to a theater near me!)
The Roost

So there you go, quit bitching about how there's no more good horror movies being made. You're just spending too much time patroling the Apple trailers site.

Review - The Devil's Rejects

2005-07-24T20:42:00.000-07:00

Try taking away all the dirt, all the grit, all the blood, all the craziness, all the perversity, all the white-trash clowns, all the people wearing the skin of other people, all the sexual assault, all the revenge, all the mayhem, murder, and madness. What do you have left? You have a movie featuring Brian Posehn in a bit part. That simple element is worth the admission price alone. Some upper-crust intellectuals may refer to a chap like myself as a simple man with simple pleasures, who demands nothing more from movies other than sophomoric jokes and and other various gross-out elements. But those types of people can go fornicate themselves with an iron hook and they are probably not reading this anyway.

When I had first learned way back in 1999 or 2000 or so that rock musician Rob Zombie had decided to write and direct a horror movie, Crazy Eric's Skepticism Warehouse was open for business and our prices were INSAAAAAAANE! Even as a 17-year old, I was already a cocky hardcore horror punk and thought I knew my stuff (and by the way, I do). But I even knew at that time that hardcore horror fans are not always the best filmmakers. They can be so devoted to the genre that they make no attempt to inject absolutely no new elements into their stale, beaten-dead horse of an idea. A solid example of this attitude is the mind-shreddingly awful (and mysteriously well-received) zombie turd "The Dead Hate the Living." This film was nothing more than a bunch of recycled old horror gags that worked a lot better with Lucio Fulci. With this fan-boy disaster fresh in my mind, I had ascertained that Zombie's "House of 1000 Corpses" was going to walk the same line. However, after several viewings, I had regarded "Corpses" as a good fun terror flick, paying homage to all the swingin' 70's best tales of horror. Granted there wasn't a whole lot in the original storyline department, but lovable actors and Rob Zombie's trademark phantasmagoria freak-out imagery made it a favorite of mine.

So here's a sequel. What gives?

This film is being regarded more as a spinoff than a sequel, whatever that means. The plot involves Baby (Sheri Moon), Otis (Bill Mosley), and Captain Spaulding (Sid Haig), the few surviving Firefly family members after the police raid their 1000 corpse-ridden abode and shoot everything that moves. After a Peckinpah-esque intro, we see the gruesome threesome taking it to the road. Hot on their trail is Sheriff Wydell (William Forsythe), a hard-boiled southern sheriff who's just itching to dish out some of his own special brand of justice, after the Firefly family blew his brother's brains out in the first film. As he becomes more and more obsessed with his bloodthirsty manhunt, Wydell takes the phrase "dirty cop" to horrid new levels (or lows) and ultimately becomes involved with unsavory characters such as bounty hunters Danny Trejo and Diamond Dallas Page. Meanwhile, the Fireflys go on a hellish road rampage, including the torture and murder of a family at a motel that is absolutely bone chilling.

Are you absolutely sick and tired of horror films that are loaded with more clever (I use that word extremely loosely) humor than actual scares? Are you tired of horror films with soundtracks that consist of godawful indie rock and actors that are straight off of the casting couch for the WB? Do you want a horror film that has real bite, real teeth, real grit, horrifying antisocial behavior, and some real vicious shit that will give you nightmares long after the credits roll? Are you really dying to see Dawn of the Dead badass Ken Foree do his best Pulp Fiction-era Samuel L. Jackson impersonation? Well, all this severed finger-licking good sickness is here. This film really pushes itself into the column of old-fashioned exploitation cinema. It's all there. The hard-boiled characters, the violence, while not overtly explicit, is absolutely disturbing and hard to avoid, the sun-bleached landscapes, the perfect blend of ambience, score, and incidental music (gotta love the use of Freebird), it all comes together to make a real nasty stew of depravity. The scene in the hotel room plays like something straight out of "Last House on the Left." Pure fucking evil if I've ever seen it.

If you're a hardcore horror punk looking for some truly demonic movie shit-giving, then see this one. If you're a faint of heart pussy who only likes movies about people coming to terms with things, then see this movie. If the image of a person getting absolutely shattered by a semi truck will most likely make you die of a heart attack, then see this movie. One of you will be happy, one will be sick, and other will be dead.

Rating: \m/

Well kids, that's Rabid About Film for now. Remember your complimentary fried chicken and don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out. HAIL!

12 milkmen is theoretically possible, 13 is silly.

2005-07-19T21:59:00.000-07:00

No, Dave. This is class, pure class.

Okay first up, is the DVD review for Alex Winter's "Freaked".

As my one or two loyal readers already know Alex Winter's fucked at the box office, barely marketed, mad monster party cult epic "Freaked" is probably one of my all time favorite movies. Unfortunately, for a long time my only exposure to the film was a taped off television VHS (complete with constant lower-third reminders that "Meet the Parents" was going to be on the USA network that week). The label on my beloved tape had proudly read "Alex Winter's Freaked" and to its left, crossed out, was "Fellini's La Strada." I first discovered this buried gem during a late night broadcast on the Sci Fi Channel with some high school friends. The appearance of Bill S. Preston Esquire had caught our eye, and we were instantly hooked by the Airplane meets Gremlins sense of humor (Sam Raimi took quite a shine to it as well). So a few months ago, I was ecstatic to learn that Winter's supreme masterpiece (or monsterpiece?) is finally getting a fully loaded, no stone unturned DVD release from those fine fiends at Anchor Bay.

Just so you know, it's still the coolest, funniest, wackiest, slimiest movie ever made that features an uncredited appearance by Keanu Reeves (and no, his character was not removed and digitally replaced by a CGI stand-in). The picture quality is top-notch, the sound is head-bangingly delicious, and the commentary by Alex Winter and Tom Stern is enthusiastic. There are even two of Winter and Stern's NYU student films, which are also gleefully absurd comedies, albeit without makeup effects by Steve Johnson. Absent from the DVD is a third Winter/Stern student film I had previously heard of, called "Aisles of Doom," which features a Grendel-type troll character as the manager of a grocery store.

An event such as the DVD release of a film like "Freaked" is cause for celebration. I believe it's a film that everyone can enjoy, as it is a truly hilarious exercise in cinematic goofiness. Hopefully, this DVD will give "Freaked" the exposure it deserved over ten years ago. So c'mon, put down that Fellini DVD and go buy "Freaked"!

Rating: \m/

Looks like Quentin Tarantino and his non-union Mexican equivalent Robert Rodriguez are going to collaborate again in a project called "Grindhouse". The concept is going to be two films directed by either filmmakers in the old-school 42nd Street style of horror and exploitation. Also featured will be 70s-style trailers and such (think of the "Feature Presentation" tag at the beginning of "Kill Bill"). I'm curious of who will do the blaxploitation and who will do the spaghetti horror. I just hope Tarantino isn't convinced he can actually make an authentic grindhouse movie, 'cuz that's just not going to happen. As I write this, my newly bought "Night Train Murders" DVD is spinning, and there's no way Tarantino or Rodriguez can recreate that sort of grungy goodness. However, they sure as hell can pay tribute to it as much as they want! I would really like to see Tarantino take on some straight-up horror. So, hey, let the quick zooms fly!

Coming soon will be my review for Rob Zombie's newest blood and sleaze extravaganza "The Devil's Rejects", featuring nearly every single goddamm horror cult actor in the history of the medium. It's sweet, on Thursday I'm gonna see Zombie in concert, and on Saturday I'm gonna see his movie!

For now, that's Rabid About Film, so long and beware of the giant Rasta eyeballs! HAIL!

Dude, it was like something out of a movie. Hey, wait...

2005-07-13T22:48:00.000-07:00

Film Threat has been championing a couple of documentaries that certainly look a hell of a lot more interesting than some shlub pigging out on McDonald's and audiences reacting with "Holy crap, I didn't know that handfuls of grease were bad for you!" One's called "Murderball" and it's about the violent sport of quadripalegic rugby. Another is called "Double Dare" and follows two Hollywood stuntwomen, one a newcomer and the other a veteran. Sounds good to me. A good documentary with truly interesting subject matter is hard to find. The subject could mean the world to those who were involved with the project, but absolutely nothing to people outside of the circle. Hopefully, I can get a view of these eventually, but I don't think Blockbuster is very big on documentaries outside some goofball stuffing his face full of hamburgers.

Now that the ashes of the victims of the World Trade Center attacks have finally cooled and been swept up, the time is ripe for Hollywood to do some good ol' fashion corpse-raping. Ripped from the headlines, GreedCo Films presents "Fanning the Flames of Hatred Through Absurd Sensationalist Patriotism in 3-D," directed by Stonan the Barbarian. It's in 3-D because when you walk out of the theater you'll see real macho jock idiots beating the shit out of an arab, JUST LIKE IN THE MOVIE! I can't wait to see the CGI George Bush created by Industrial Light and Magic. Maybe Kevin Costner will have a scene where he shows the footage of the collapsing towers going "Back and to the left...back and to the left..." Please, don't be fooled into thinking that this is supposed to be a loving tribute to the heroes of the terrorist attack, because it most certainly is not. It is nothing more than an attempt to cash in on recent history and Oliver Stone trying to get the movie-going public to like him again after making flop after flop. I wonder what Oliver Stone's childhood friend, Lloyd Kaufman, thinks about this.

Remake Alert! I'm predicting that by the year 2008, every single one of my favorite horror films (not to mention all the films on Bravo's 100 Scariest Movie Moments list) will be remade. The latest report is Wes Craven's "Last House on the Left." There is no way this film could be as shocking as the original. It's just going to be nothing more than cheap jump scares and the retarded retro style that made "Spun" such a wretched waste of time. So far two of Wes Craven's films (his good ones) are being remade, the other being "The Hills Have Eyes," which I'm actually looking forward to, since it's being helmed by Alexandre Aja ("Haute Tension").

For those who long for the trippy retro-grooves of Goblin and other assorted 70s horror synth-tracks, fills your ears with "Cosmos" by Zombi. Truly wicked synthesizer soundscapes in the vein of such 70s creep tunes like "Dawn of the Dead", "Halloween", and all the cool Italian stuff. It's as if the late 80s/early 90s never happened! Yes, the synthesizer is still awesome, fuck your keytar!

See you next Wednesday, George.

2005-07-10T21:59:00.000-07:00

After debuting at a more than respectable number 5, until getting knocked to an also respectable number 10 when War of the Worlds came out, and so far making all of its money back, George A. Romero's "Land of the Dead" is now out of the top ten grossing movies in the US. I just want to say how surreal it was walking to my local Jamestown theater and seeing a poster for a George Romero movie on the walls. And learning that the movie was actually making money was even more amazing, as I was almost certain it would remain unnoticed amongst Batman and Darth Vader. Unfortunately, "Land"'s run its course monetarily speaking. It's okay, because it will probably obtain a solid following, while "Spamtastic Four", "Scurvy Fully Loaded", and "War of the Laughing Jackass and that Stupid Kid Actress" will eventually be forgotten as the retarded throwaway popcorn crap they are.

Welcome back, George! Hope your next film is even better!
\m/

Review - Cursed - Unrated (a professional movie review of extraordinary magnitude!)

2005-07-07T20:15:00.000-07:00

In the mid-70s, director Wes Craven began making horror films that, along with Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Dawn of the Dead, have become a part of the pinnacle of modern horror. His debut was a startling quasi-snuff story, Last House on the Left, loosely based off the Ingmar Bergman film, Virgin Spring. Followed by that was The Hills Have Eyes, which introduced the world to the sloping foreheaded character actor, Michael Berryman. Both of these films were raw, shocking, take-no-prisoners horror that still retain their power to this day. They were examples of more reality-based horror. Instead of involving otherworldly monsters, the horror could come from the hermits next door, or that sleazy guy you buy pot from. In the 80s Wes Craven hit the mainstream and critical acclaim with films like Nightmare on Elm Street and The Serpent and The Rainbow, and later in the 90s with Scream.

Films like Cursed are staggering examples of how times can change. A filmmaker who was once innovative, dangerous, and uncompromising is more interested these days in directing films that seem to be written by a horror film word processing program than an actual human being. That word processing program is screenwriter Kevin Williamson. Williamson gained critical and commercial acclaim with his first collaboration with Craven, Scream. The intention of Cursed seemed to be to take what they did with the slasher genre in Scream and apply it to the werewolf genre. Unfortunately, this didn’t seem to go as devised, as this film offers absolutely no original story elements and seems to be designed for people who have never seen a werewolf film. Right before the film even starts, as soon as the Dimension logo pops on the screen and we hear the sound of a Wolfman Jack style howl, any hope of this film having any real value is eradicated. The film acts like a clichéd bubble gum horror checklist: the infinitely unnecessary appearance of a pop-punk band that will no longer be popular by the time film hits theaters, the ominous sign of danger from a palm reading, the bland stereotypical introduction of the bland stereotypical characters, and the utterly stale “insert pop culture reference here” dialogue. All this happens within the first five minutes. The storyline is so rushed along the viewer could care less when the next dull character is killed at the hands of the furry beast.

The development of the two main characters seems to be a watered down version of the extraordinary Ginger Snaps with a bit of the schlocky Teen Wolf thrown in for good measure. Two siblings are caught up in a werewolf and are both left wounded. Only the most brain-dead of movie-goers would be unable of finding out what happens next. The brother Jimmy is convinced the attack is a werewolf and as usual no one believes him. He uses his newfound wolf powers to beat up the school bully while the sister Ellie starts to behave strangely at work and in front of Scott Baio. But as mentioned earlier, these ideas are so rushed that they're never truly developed or made interesting in the slightest bit. As in Scream, it’s a paper-thin whodunit as the heroes try to identify the original werewolf and kill them in order to break the curse and revert all the other werewolves back to normal (yeah right). By the time the werewolf is revealed, the viewer probably won’t care. Even the werewolf itself is uninteresting to look at, as it seems merely like a carbon copy of the title monster from An American Werewolf in London. Interestingly enough, both were designed by makeup maestro Rick Baker, but it wouldn't be shocking to learn that Baker didn't necessarily dive head first into this project and switched his creativity on autopilot.

I had first seen Cursed when it came out in theaters in its even more watered down PG-13 version. In an attempt to recoup the money that was lost when it bombed, an unrated DVD was recently released. After seeing the film, my friend and I had walked out of the theater laughing like hyenas, convinced that we had just seen the worst horror film since House of the Dead. This director’s cut is the same bad movie with the gore that was cut out at the last minute. Even the violence (done by horror FX hero Greg Nicotero) is predictable and boring. The legless human torso crawling a few feet for a final death throe, the bite in the neck, the shovel decapitation, it's all been done before and much better. Honestly, this film could have had as much violence as Cannibal Holocaust and it would still be a chore to watch.

Again, Cursed is a werewolf movie for people who have never seen a werewolf movie. Even more, it’s a werewolf movie for people with an IQ under 100. Yet even more, it’s a movie for people who aren’t aware that Craig Kilborn is no longer on the Late Late Show, Lance Bass is no longer popular, and Scott Baio hasn’t had a job in a decade. This film can’t be recommended to anyone. It fails for every target market there is. It’s too tame for hardcore horror fans and it might even be too stupid for pre-teens. It’s absolutely mind-boggling to think that this is coming from the man who subjected us to a violent thug forcing two innocent young girls to urinate themselves. Yeah, Wes, have him connect the dots on his hand to show the audience the pentagram on his palm Yeah, spell it out for us, Wes.

Review - Izo

2005-07-02T11:03:00.000-07:00

Let's try to make a tally. Thanks to the soiled noggin of this crazy Jap, I've been able to witness celluloid depictions of pimps brutally beating the shit out of one of his ho's, only to be split in half by a spandex clad assassin with emotional problems. I've seen a woman drowning in a kiddie pool of her own feces. I've seen an imbalanced yakuza, who has morphed into the form of a woman, giving birth to himself. I've seen an obsessive woman slowly torture the man who broke her heart. I've seen a grotesque monster with the head of a cow. I've seen a showdown between a yakuza and a cop resulting in the entire world exploding. And I've also seen more than one disturbing breast-feeding sequence.

So if you've gained a reputation as one of Japan's most uncompromising, prolific, and unpredictable filmmakers, what are you going to do next? Well, if you're as prolific as Takashi Miike, you do several things. One of them is "Izo."

I'm trying to review Miike's "Izo" after giving it one viewing, and viewing it was quite a battle. I have only been able to watch it after my recent 10 hour work days, which is not really the best condition to view a two hour plus Asian surrealist/samurai/time travel film. And despite my valiant fight to stay awake after a long day of dealing with jerkoff musicians complaining about the acoustics of an outdoor amphitheatre, I couldn't help but give into the Sandman. Finally I finished it, and I must say I'm not unfamiliar with seeing freaky weirdo films from the fearsome East, but this one was quite the head-scratcher. Here's the closest thing I can come up with for a plot summary: a ruthless samurai warrior is brutally executed for his crimes against humanity. Suddenly his vengeful spirit becomes unstuck in time, causing him to jump back and forth in time and space, killing tons of people for no good reason. In addition, some sort of corporate/government goons (led by Japan's favorite renaissance man, Takeshi Kitano) are nervous of his time-traveling rampage, and see him as a threat to their aristocracy. So Izo just continues his bloody killing spree.

Confused, yeah me too. Definitely not a popcorn movie and it certainly requires a second viewing. This is quite possibly the most unhinged movie since "Eraserhead." Some may think it doesn't take much effort to make something this weird, but trust me, it does. Being truly weird and unconventional is hard to do, and Miike once again proves that he is a filmmaker that cannot be second-guessed or pinned down by any label. When you think he's gonna go mainstream, he makes quite possibly the most uncommercial thing in existence. When you think he's gonna make another weirdo movie, he does some "director for hire" gig like "One Missed Call." Miike certainly has the best of both worlds, as he perfectly straddles the line between mainstream and underground cinema. I think everybody should check out this movie, even if they don't "get it" (I didn't). Unfortunately, not every film-goer is going to appreciate losing two hours of their lives on something so strange and confusing.

Oh yeah, and don't miss the lone guitar player acting as some sort of wandering minstrel (Japan's answer to Bob Dylan?). Maybe he's explaining everything, but his lyrics aren't translated in the subtitles, so we'll never know.

Review - Land of the Dead.

2005-06-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

MINOR SPOILERS (Sorry, I couldn't help it).

After the speculation, the hearsay, the rumors, the interview musings of George Romero that fans were incapable to take seriously, and the absolutely pathetic "treatments" written by losers on the IMDB message board, the time has come. The impossible dream has finally been realized. The event that the most jaded of horror fans never expected to happen. Much like his flesh-hungry creatures that inhabit his works, Gentleman George Romero has risen from the grave. After a slump through the 1990s that included a so-so segment in "Two Evil Eyes" and the not necessarily must see "Bruiser" in 2000, the godfather of the modern zombie movie has reared his ugly once again, and he's returned to the "genre he created," or so the trailers say. He's got an ample budget, he's got KNB on the makeup effects, and he's got a cast of recognizable and likeable stars, and he's even got Dennis fuckin' Hopper! Holy zombie revival, Batman! Looks like George Romero is going to make his biggest, bestest, greatest movie ever that will make all his other works look like chopped liver.

Sheesh, never go into a theater with that frame of mind, dude. You'll just get disappointed. Remember when a decrepit, post-1st wave child-molestation case Michael Jackson said upon receiving the Artist of the Millennium award? "You ain't seen nothing yet." Peaked at Thriller, Mike. No changing that.

So, is the film I've been waiting for since I first started sprouting pubes a huge disappointment? Hell no! Is it Romero's ultimate masterpiece? Sorry, no. His finest symphony will always be "Dawn of the Dead." There's really no getting past that. Therefore, like all movies, don't go into the theater expecting the greatest thing since sliced bread, not to mention its sequel, "Sliced Bread 2: Electric Boogaloo" (yeah, stole that from Mr. Show, bite me). I came in wanting only one thing: George Romero making one more good film before he dies, 'cuz man, he's old! And for his last film to be something as lackluster as "Bruiser" would be a damn shame.

Now with that crucial element out of the way, let's review the film. Well, it's pretty damn good. It takes a while to cook up, but as soon as the zombies start heading for the city, things get nice and nasty. The zombie makeup is excellent, definitely some of the best I've seen since "Day of the Dead." The film begins with the foreboding landscape of a ravaged Anytown, USA. It's probably the same kind of town that the militant corpses had destroyed in the original "Night of the Living Dead." And of course comes the legions and legions of staggering zombies, doing their ususal staggering zombie thing. But something's different this time. Hey, what the hell is he doing with that gas pump?

A lot of people had problems with the concept of zombies getting smarter. Purists cry that zombies don't talk or think and they certainly don't run. Well, what Romero does with these smarter zombies is not only interesting and different, but it also makes a hell of a lot of sense. Basically, what we're getting here is an extension of what we saw with Bub in "Day of the Dead." They are getting smarter, but they're not starting to quote Shakespeare or drive cars. What's even more dangerous is they're communicating, they are mobilizing! They want to fight for themselves. Led by a corpse known as Big Daddy, who acts as a sort of living dead Moses (even going so far as parting the Red Sea in a way), the corpses are tired of being pushed around the mercenaries, the zombies are going to rise up and strike out at their oppressors. That is definitely when the movie started to get interesting. Guts get ripped out, throats bitten, and well, I wouldn't dream of giving away that one.

Okay, there's the pros, let's get started on the cons. Like I said before, it just doesn't compare to "Dawn of the Dead." But that's okay, it doesn't have to. I would have liked to see the social commentary being driven a little further. I have heard some people say that the original Dawn goes too far with the consumerism satire, but Land falls a bit short with its commentary on the haves and have-nots and the quick jabs at homeland security.

So, in conclusion-ion-ion-sha-na-na, "Land of the Dead" gets the horns. It's not the Citizen Kane of zombie movies, but I really don't think it's Romero's job to get horror movies out of its post-Scream slump. He's already earned his laurels, he can rest on them if he wants, but instead he's nice enough to make a damn good zombie movie that's a fuck of a lot better than shit from Uwe Boll. So check it out, but it's nothing worth drinking sacramental Kool-Aid over. Romero doesn't have to start any new wave, that's our job.

America, FUCK NO!

2005-06-12T20:48:00.000-07:00

RANT ALERT!

I know after reading this some might think I'm getting all worked up about something that ultimately doesn't matter, because it's just the opinion of one asshole, but it really did irk me so I must vent about it. And since it's film related, I can vent it out here!

Apparently, there are people who are not comfortable with countries other than the US making big budget, ambitious high-concept films that are more than simple novelties or immediately put under the condescending category of "cult" or "b-movies." While I certainly don't see those phrases as dirty words or embarrassing, I use them with pride and also understand that they are more than that. It is possible that a cult or b-movie can actually have something to say. Hell, it can even be worthy of an Oscar (fat chance, unfortunately, but awards are meaningless anyway).

A casual acquaintance of mine, well more of a mortal enemy than a casual acquaintance, was recently introduced to the japanese film "Casshern." It is an absolutely amazing film that takes an old anime television series and transforms it into an undeniably startling and beautiful Orwellian allegory. In my opinion, it is possibly one of the greatest superhero movies ever, right up there with Sam Raimi's Spiderman, Tim Burton's Batman, and Paul Verhoeven's Robocop.

Now this nameless douchebag does not share the same opinion as mine, which is fine, of course, although I suggest that they actually see the movie first. But he is bothered by the concept that a country like Japan is making a movie which has a fighting chance at competing with the cookie-cutter Hollywood system. Apparently they said "This cannot happen." They believe that only Hollywood can make big budget ambitious films and their territory cannot be treaded upon. Apparently Japan can only make gory horror and yakuza films that gain cult followings. Because after all, it's a market that Hollywood doesn't need. How dare another country try to make something that is at the same level of Hollywood's budget, and even go so far as actually rise above them? The absolute nerve.

Don't these countries know their place? Italy, dream-like romanticized films that are very slow and not much happens. France, poetic coming of age films with lots of people coming to terms with things and some sex along the way. China, kung-fu and nothing else. Japan, disturbing horror or yakuza films that involve torture, strange uses of fecal matter and other bodily fluids. South America, anti-globalization allegories. England, flashy gangster movies and Benny Hill nudge-nudge humor. They're all unmarketable, unmainstream, and the only Oscar they have a chance at is the Foreign Language category. Not a threat to Hollywood. Not taking the caviar out of Angelina Jolie's adopted son's mouth. Not getting in the way of Mel Gibson building yet another Catholic Church where only people who make $500,000 and above are welcome. Not getting in the way of dumb-shit celebrities spending millions of dollars on shit they don't need.

Jesus fucking christ I am just getting started. This attitude is absolute bullshit. It is nationalistic, ethnocentric, and pure fucking greed. Hollywood makes a hundred or so shitty movies every goddam year. It's always the same fucking thing. Some shitty comedy starring some unfunny asshole from an NBC or WB sitcom. Some attention-hungry jerk makes three dead serious boring dramas about a dead serious boring subject, figuring at least one of them can get them an award nomination, so they can go on television and pretend to cry for the audience because they've been through such a struggle to get where they are today. Some retarded egomaniac actor comes up with a retarded idea for an action movie, puts up $100 million dollars which could go to feed who knows how many starving people, dictates the story to some poor struggling screenwriter who dreams of making something meaningful, and then picks out the director, usually some acclaimed asian or french director who they lure to Hollywood, and inevitably dooming to become part of the corporate greed machine. Some fucking actor who used to be in screwball comedies has some sort of life-changing experience, and feels possessed to use that inspiration to produce/direct their own film, and in turn makes the ugliest and most blatant piece of propaganda since the heyday of Leni Riefenstahl. A once-great comedian suddenly decides to become a serious actor and stars in nothing but pathetic, masturbatory, Oscar-begging pieces of shit that are nothing but film-grad jackoff fests with a big budget and big stars. And let us not forget, a jackass producer is running out ideas to sucker the public with their braindead storylines, so they decide to take an old film with a strong cult follow but nobody important cares about, and give it a big-budget remake, completely eradicating all the things that made it unique and memorable in the first place. "Oh shit, you guys actually bought tickets for that? Well, let's make a sequel! And another, and another, and another, and another! It shall never end! We won't be satisfied until we have all the money in the world! Then we'll tell you to drive hybrid cars and who to vote for, whether or not you know the issues! We want to own everything! We want to own you! We want your hearts and minds! We want your souls! We want to rule the world!"

And this is the way it should always be. Absolutely nothing should change it. It is unthinkable that another country can go ahead and make something worthwhile. Something that could catch american film-goers and let them think "Hey, Hollywood movies really do suck. I like this better." As far as I'm concerned, other countries have been making better fims than the Hollywood system for a very long time, if not always. And Hollywood has always been ripping off other countries. And Hollywood gets all the glory, while other countries just continue to make their films, not knowing whether or not they're getting the attention they deserve. Because in the end, it's not about making money, or getting attention or awards. It's about making films because it's what you've always dreamed of since you were a 13 year old punk watching Evil Dead for the first time. Sam Raimi didn't care about making money. He just wanted to make the film he wanted to make. He didn't need $100 million dollars to make it either. He used skill, not special effects. Great films are made out of love, and nothing more.

I refuse to give up on this. I know a new era of film will emerge. I can feel it. Slowly film-goers are getting smarter and demanding to see something different. They want to see something outside of the box. Something from Japan, Italy, Zimbabwe, Iraq, perhaps. I'm sure they have some interesting things to show us.

Film is a goddam universal language. It can't be held within the confines of countries. It knows no borders. And that's the way it is and there's nothing that (name of fascist douchebag) can do about it. Goodnight, I've got work in the morning.

Review - High Tension (American version)

2005-06-11T09:40:00.000-07:00

I'm not exactly sure of the purpose of reviewing a movie that I already have seen a million times in its uncut form and have praised and championed for the past year and have considered a possible contender of one of the best horror films of the decade. Although this is not exactly a review of the film, this is my review of what Lions Gate has done to the film, including their marketing campaign. So read with caution, as there might be spoilers.

In 2003, a french film by the name of "Haute Tension" was released in Europe, directed by newcomer Alexandre Aja and produced (anonymously) by frog boy-wonder (and I mean that in the best way possible) Luc Besson, the film gained quite a bit of recognition on the film festival circuit. It was praised for its raw, hardcore approach to the horror genre, which hadn't been seen since the late 70s, and in these days of Kevin Williamson-scripted "scary movies" where every character has to make a lame pop-culture reference every five minutes and de-fanged, de-clawed, geriatric versions of once effective Japanese ghost stories, this type of old school shit-kicking was greatly needed. Then in late 2004, Lions Gate had acquired the rights to the American release, under the title "High Tension."

At first, Lions Gate, a company that is gaining lots of momentum in the horror genre, decided to make the bold step of releasing the film uncut, under the dreaded NC-17 banner. They were bragging about it, saying that they wanted to banish the stigma that came with the feared rating. I was excited, I admired Lions Gate for wanting to knock down that wall. But faster than you can say "Buckle like a belt" they went back on their words. Not only are they cutting the film down to an R rating, they're going to dub it in english!

So after all this Americanization and homogenization and castration, is this still the smorgasborg of terror I had seen in the fall via a dirty ol' bootleg?

Yes, it is.

As typical, the dubbing is about as good as the average 70s Shaw Brothers kung-fu film. The words don't match with the mouth movement in the slightest, but that's okay, this film wasn't praised for its brilliant dialogue. Now there are parts of the film where there are subtitles, when the character Marie speaks to herself, and when anyone besides Alex and her family speak. It adds a new story element to the film, in that Alex and her family are American and moved to France (there is a line added "Remember, they only moved here 6 months ago, their French is as bad as mine" to clarify that). It's interesting and I believe the director approved of the change, so it's no big deal. Upon entering the theater, I absolutely smacked my forehead in disgust of the lowering of America's culture as the theater usher warned us that some of the film is in subtitles. The concept that some people would demand their money back because they had to actually read during a movie is absolutely repugnant. I also feared that the music would be changed, and to my knowledge it was not. Same piercing ambience, same goofy pop songs, same rocking tune by Muse.

Now the violence. Now I've watched the uncut version ad nauseaum and know every killing like the back of my hand. So therefore I noticed that just about every death was shortened. The throat-slitting didn't have the generous blood-squirtings, the decapitation was cut short, and the absolutely brutal barbed wire fence post beating was cut to mere 3 or 4 hits. Also, my favorite shot in the film, where the guy is getting the buzzsaw in the stomach, and a splatter of blood soaks the camera lens, is missing. Despite all these cuts the film still maintains its raw power. It's still gritty, it's still depraved, and the cinematography is still absolutely bone-chilling.

Now, on to my critique of Lions Gate's marketing campaign to promote "High Tension." THEY SPOILED THE GODDAM MOVIE! The website had clips of every single death scene and the television spots nearly gave away the damn ending! Even though Universal is doing dick-all to promote "Land of the Dead," at least they're not giving away the movie. Lions Gate seemed absolutely clueless on how to promote this film. Unfortunately, this movie is not blockbuster material and should have probably just stayed in limited-release for its own good, because the multiplexes surely aren't going to give it the recognition it deserves. Best that it stays in the art-houses, whether or not it's a simple slasher film. Granted, in my eyes it should be making more money than "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" but I'm afraid it's not going to happen.

In conclusion-ion-ion, not even the editing can stop "High Tension" from being highly tense. It's still a ferocious beast of a horror film and will probably scare a few teeny boppers who wandered into the wrong theater, looking for "The Longest Yard." A definite horns to the American cut of "High Tension." \m/

Join the cause!

2005-06-05T07:55:00.000-07:00

"I want people to come out on July 22nd and make sure THE DEVILS REJECTS beats out HERBIE: FULL THROTTLE or whatever the hell its name is...IT MUST CRUSH LINDSAY LOHAN!!"

-Rob Zombie.

You got it Rob. Damn, this is the greatest country in the world.
Watch horror films, keep America strong!

Guess who's back?

2005-05-31T23:44:00.000-07:00

And, dare I say?
Dare! Dare!
Better than ever!

http://www.tomyumgoongmovie.com/
Ready to give all the posers a swift lightning-fast kick to the nuts, again!

\m/

Porno, it's not just for breakfast anymore.

2005-05-29T22:49:00.000-07:00

Now I'm not a huge viewer of pornography, mainly I give it a look once in a blue moon when I'm still awake around 4 am and want to take advantage of the fast internet connection (I'm currently stuck with 56k, so it ain't happening right now), but I recently came across a few titles that seem a lot more interesting than the average whacking material. I'll watch this shit over Girls Gone Wild any day.

One of them is called "Kill Girl Kill" and it seems to be some sort of radical nihilist attitude porno film. It's available at Diabolik website and I'm almost tempted to shell out some money to buy it. Hell, I already have an ECW DVD, I might as well add a porno to ol' library.
http://cweb2.millenianet.com/cgi-bin/ccdbdis.pl?merchant=diabolik01&action=item&ItemID=killgirlkill&inum=0&term=kill%20girl%20kill

Another one is called "Re-Penetrator", directed by former Troma crony Doug Sakmann. Basically a skin-flick spoof of the zombie classic "Re-Animator." That just spells fried gold. Porn and zombies. The combination has been attempted before but rarely perfected. Maybe this is the one that will make it. Here's a review.
http://www.bloody-disgusting.com/film.php?id=766
It can't possibly be a bigger disgrace to the work of H.P. Lovecraft than that goofy "Move Your Dead Bones" video.

Also, one of these days I gotta work up the guts to head on over to Mondo Video and proudly declare in steady, firm voice, "Sir, I would like to rent 'Nine Lives of A Wet Pussy', in fact I'd like to give Cannibal Holocaust another look, too." For those of you who don't know, this film is the debut of legendary NYC thug Abel Ferrara, who went onto direct Harvey Keitel in "Bad Lieutenant."

Sometime soon I'm gonna want to catch these flicks. I mean, you gotta embrace all types of cinema, right? Perhaps this might be a return to the classy porno days of "Devil In Miss Jones" and "Deep Throat"!

On a professional note, I recently got a gig as camera operator #1 for a local television special with 4 of the former Supreme Court Justices who were around during the famous Brown vs. Board case. They made the mistake of asking how much I should be paid, to which I settled for 15 per hour. Those suckers actually did it! Best part of all, if I'm ever asked what my occupation is, I can say I'm a freelance camera operator. Score!
Yeah, I know I said I'd never bring in any personal stuff into this blog, but that was industry-related, so there! A man can only complain about the evils of Tom Cruise so much (no, that's a lie).

I was looking around in Blockbuster today and came across some not so great looking TV movie featuring Elizabeth Pena. First of all, Elizabeth Pena was absolutely smokin' in "Jacob's Ladder." So I was a little shocked to see the Pena is not nearly as good-looking as she used to be. It's not that she's old-looking, she most certainly is not. She just had more of a soccer mom look to her. Damn, this is a dumb subject and I probably shouldn't have started it. Oh well, I'm keeping it. Fuck you! Transgression forever! Hail Bill Cosby!

Back from the grave.

2005-05-23T19:33:00.000-07:00

Phew, been a while since the last update. My apologies for the delay. The grim news of Kylie Minogue having breast cancer has left me absolutely shattered. Plus my mom switched to quilted toilet paper, and making the transition has been quite the daunting task.

Nothing really worth commenting on recently. Lately all I hear about is more fanboy spooging about how much money Revenge of the Sith is making. Woww-ee wow, so goddam amazing. If it makes a lot of money then it must be good. Just look at House of the Dead. Still awaiting in mouth-wide-open anticipation for Land of the Dead to come to theaters. Speaking of which, seems that Day of the Dead is being remade now. Great, awesome, way to hog the attention from the man who deserves it. Fuck you hollywood. Take your remakes and shove them up your ass.

Apparently some filmmakers from the Warren County made a film that's being shown at Cannes and Sundance and all that hoopla. It's called War and it's about farmers. I guess some critics like it. Whoopty-shit. I get annoyed at local filmmakers, jealousy I guess.

I'm not sure when but I guess Troma is indeed heading to Buffalo. That's cool. But I really wish I could take part in it. Just hope those hacky ass-clowns from Stray Productions don't jump onto it and rub it in my face. Eh, I'm sure Lloyd Kaufman would fire their sorry Michel Gondry-lovin' asses. I'm really getting tired of my mother going around and trying to brag to family members that I "almost got a big movie deal." Wow, way off.

So apparently there's gonna be a Sin City 2. Okay, fine I guess. I loved Sin City and have recently become a fan of the graphic novels, but I'm not really sure if Sin City really needs a sequel. Would it adapt three more stories? Well, if it's got Mickey Rourke returning as Marv I'm all for it.

Which brings me to the ..:!VIDEO PICK OF THE WEEK!:.. I just rented a movie that is so goddam good that by the film's end I thought "Damn, that's good." It's called Angel Heart from 1987. It stars the gruff one himself Mickey Rourke and co-starring Robert DeNiro as Satan himself. It's funny how I haven't heard of this movie much sooner, because it really is one of the best movies of its genre. It's got horror, voodoo, devil-worshipping, Lisa Bonet, all wrapped in a kickass detective mystery story. I believe this is the movie that got Lisa Bonet fired from The Cosby Show, for participating in the absolutely reprehensible and vile act of having simulated sexual intercourse in a motion picture. Oh, the filth I tell you! Great movie, great plot, great acting, great great great.

Damn, damn, damn.

2005-05-16T18:38:00.000-07:00

In a horrendous twist of fate, this just in from the Sour Grapes department. I had to reluctantly tell Troma that I would be unable to help with their filming of Poultrygeist after THEY emailed ME! They actually wanted to meet with me this week! How insane is that? I told them I couldn't do because I have to work for the summer at home and I can't afford to live in Buffalo right now. This really blows goats. Once again the bullshit concept of money is keeping me from doing what I dream of doing. Money sucks. I declare war on the monetary system.

Oh yeah, Unleashed was awesome.

Let's play a game.

2005-05-12T23:30:00.000-07:00

Alright, in the spirit of having really nothing else to rant about, I'm gonna give a list of my all-time favorite directors. And then you give me yours. And don't give me any of this "I don't have any favorite directors because I don't blindly worship filmmakers" bullshit, 'cuz neither do I and you're an asshole. Lighten the fuck up!

In no particular order...
Sam Raimi - cuz Evil Dead rules, and your student film fucking blows.

Peter Jackson - cuz he does things his way, and somehow it gave him a mainstream gig and now he owns the entire country of New Zealand. What the fuck were you doing when you were 8 years old?

Jim VanBebber - cuz he's got balls, he sticks to his guns, and he understands that being a filmmaker involves extreme poverty and sacrifice. "Sometimes you eat, sometimes you make rent."

David Lynch - cuz nothing means anything in his films.

Takashi Miike - cuz he's more machine than man, a rapid-fire, crazy-ass filmmaking machine. Now he's going mainstream, but something tells me he's not going soft.

George Romero - cuz he's the man, and he's finally getting his due. Go ahead and call him a one-trick pony, but he's earned his reputation.

Paul Verhoeven - cuz he's a dutch maniac. Whenever I see interviews with him I'm not sure if I'm watching a filmmaker or a registered sex offender. But he's brilliant. He really has that "crazy uncle that nobody invites to the family reunion but always shows up anyway" vibe.

So how about you?

Hey kids, time for another ..::!VIDEO PICK OF THE WEEK!::.. This week, head onto the video rentals and give "Beyond Reanimator" a try. Despite the misfortune of being stuck on the Sci-Fi channel, the home video version is a sick, gory, hilarious ride. Everything you'd expect from a Reanimator movie. Brian Yuzna is a very hit-or-miss director and this is definitely a hit of his. If not for the movie, rent it for the absolutely bizarre music video of the song "Move Your Dead Bones" by some joker calling himself Dr. Reanimator. Not sure why the song and video were made, and what else Dr. Reanimator has done since. It's simply puzzling. Definitely a head-scratcher.

Well, kids that's Rabid About Film! And remember, they do weddings and bar mitzvahs! (Christ, what a bunch of morons)

Buffalo to be Tromatized?

2005-05-06T12:28:00.000-07:00

Here's some local news, which is always nice to report 'cuz I like when something film-related happens in the Nickel City. Apparently, Troma is considering coming to Buffalo to shoot some scenes for their next film "Poultrygeist." Sounds wicked to me, I sent them an email, along with a pic of zombie makeup that I've done, but I'd probably be more comfortable doing just PA stuff or just assisting with the makeup effects. Hopefully I can fit this in! Sounds totally awesome. If you can tolerate a Troma shoot, you can pretty much take shit form any asshole Hollywood director around.

\m/

Dirty Black Summer.

2005-05-04T20:15:00.000-07:00

Alright, alright, I've heard you popcorn-chomping losers go on and on about your Hitchhikers and your vengeful Siths and your alien-fighting Scientologists, but it's my turn now, jerks! *mad scientist laugh*
Here is my list of movies that I think are worth checking out this summer.

Unleashed - After being mindlessly paired up with rap stars and low-grade WB comedians (although he did get paired with one of the better Fondas), Jet Li is finally coming into his own in the states. Good for him, he deserved it.

High Tension - Recut, yes. Americanized, yes. Still got its teeth, we'll see.

Land of the Dead - The film I've waited for since age 15 is coming out in June!

Night Watch - Russia is trying to make its own Bollywood, maybe Stalin-wood?

Devil's Rejects - Rob Zombie proved he was a capable director with House of 1000 Corpses, now this one just might show he can go all the way. Plus it has a veritable smorgasborg of cult icons in the cast.

Fantastic Four - Michael Chiklis = gruff. He played the Thing with no makeup. In fact he just took his Shield and Commish makeup off and it was a coincidence.

Batman Begins - Rutger Hauer = Dutch gruff. Liam Neeson = drunken Irish gruff. Morgan Freeman = "badass school principal who's here to make some changes" gruff. It's a potentially all-out gruff-a-palooza. Also, Michael Caine = polite little guy but deep down you know he's Gruffy McGruffington from South Gruffdon. Maybe this time they'll let Alfred kick some ass, like that one episode from the old Adam West Batman where Alfred had to don the bat-suit and imitate the Caped Crusader for one scene. Fried gold, I tell you!

Undead - I wonder if Aussie zombies hop like kangaroos. That sure would be great. My stance on the quality of this movie solely depends on whether or not the zombies hop like kangaroos. Or if they ride in the kangaroo's pouch. Damn, that would be marvelous.

Domino - Not sure if this is gonna be a summer release, but it sure looks gnarly. Co-starring the Gruff One himself, Mickey Rourke. Not even the Commish can out-gruff Mickey Rourke. For breakfast he eats a pound of raw meat and and a cinder block for roughage.

Damn, with all the Communist vampires, mad slashers, kung fu-fighting dog-men, kangaroo-riding zombies and general gruffitude, this is looking to be a dirty black summer indeed. My plate is full.

Leave some comments, let me know what you're looking forward to!

Oh damn, it's been so long since the last time I made a ..:!VIDEO PICK OF THE WEEK!:..
Definitely a favorite among buddy movie nights, check out the immortal Super Troopers. If you already have, rent it again. It's a real charmer and quotable as hell.

Sheesh, whatever happened to Casper Van Dien?

Review - Oldboy

2005-04-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

Anybody who has some time on Monday, and are in the mood for some gore, check out the Media Study Student Show. I believe it's around 6 or 6:30 and it's at the screening room at UB's Center for the Arts. I'll be showing my final project for Intermediate Video, titled "Some Good Old Fashioned Torture." I can't wait to see people's responses, they'll either be grossed out or think it's completely stupid, which is fine by me either way. *thumbs up*

Check out a new little montage clip for High Tension, which leads me to believe they didn't quite take out all the teeth of this movie.
http://www.bloody-disgusting.com/index.php?Show=3807&Template=newsfull

Well, I know I said I'd do a review of Oldboy, but to be honest I just ain't in the mood for reviewing anything lately. But I did watch it, and it does indeed kick ass.

Oh fuck it, I'll give it a shot.

The film opens up with a somewhat humorous scene of a middle-aged man being held in a police station, apparently for drunk and disorderly conduct. He's then released and heads home to his daughter. But suddenly he disappears.

So apparently this man named Oh Daesu was kidnapped during the night and inexplicably held in some prison. It's not a federal prison, he didn't commit a crime, it's just a prison. He starts looking a lot different as he loses weight (I thought it was a different actor and character, hence I had some difficulty figuring stuff out). Anyways, he is never explained why he's being held or where he is. Thus he begins his rigorous training regiment, so he can be prepared to fight whoever he needs to get revenge on and hatches an escape plan. But before he can even execute it, he's suddenly released, after 15 years of being detained. And so the insanity begins. Oh Daesu begins to uncover who held in that prison and what exactly that prison was, I don't want to give away anything else, but the concept of the prison is rather interesting. Along the way he meets a woman Mi-Do and yes, they fall in love or something like that. But her involvement is yet another contribution to the mind-blowing explanation that follows.

Some reviews of this film opine that director Chanwook Park actually outdoes Takashi Miike on the abberation meter. I'm not so sure about that, but I would say that Chanwook Park has a vision that is truly his. I came in thinking this was going to be a non-stop explicit sex, violence, torture, and perversity fest. With that I was let down, but luckily there's a great story to back up the madness that ensues. This film isn't explicit like the craziest of Miike's craziness, and comparisons to director Miike are doing Park a disservice.

If there's one thing Hollywood loves, it's the last minute twist ending. Well, Asian filmmakers like this stuff to, and as expected, their twist endings make The Sixth Sense look like the more intellectual jokes on Hee-Haw. It's not some crap like "Whoa, they were the same person" or "I can't believe he was dead the whole time!" This film culminates in some rather immoral perversity with its ending. I sure as hell didn't see it coming, and I defy any cynical asshole to claim otherwise.

Like most asian films, you can't make your final judgment about it until you see every single frame of the film. I was starting to lose my patience with the film about an hour in, but the last 45 minutes or so absolutely knocked me on my ass!

Now as I mentioned before, this film is already getting the american remake treatment/rape, starring Mr. "Hasn't Been Interesting In Over A Decade" himself, Nicholas Cage. Whatever, Hollywood, ain't no chance in hell you can top this. Go ahead and sic your art-school darlings like Michel Gondry or Spike Jonze on it, there's still no way you can match the pure dementia that is Chanwook Park's Oldboy.

Words.......should have sent a poet.

2005-04-27T22:12:00.000-07:00

http://www.landofthedeadmovie.net/
Just so you know, I am currently giggling like a school girl.

Only one way to describe this display of awesomenacity...

Recycle. Reduce. Retread.

2005-04-25T23:15:00.000-07:00

Altered States
The Bad Seed
The Birds
Black Christmas
The Blob
Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things
The Crazies
Dead of Night
Evil Dead
The Eye
Fiend Without A Face
The Fly
The Fog
The Hills Have Eyes
The Hitcher
House of Wax
I Saw What You Did
Invasion of the Body Snatchers
It's Alive
Jaws
Let's Scare Jessica to Death
Mute Witness
Oldboy
One Missed Call
Pet Sematary
Phone
Prom Night
Scanners
Suspiria
Terror Train
The Tingler
When A Stranger Calls
The Wicker Man

All remakes.
"Hollywood, we regurgitate already done ideas and take all the credit from everyone else, more than anyone else."

Ethan Cunt.

2005-04-24T14:33:00.000-07:00

Buffalonians be sure to pick up the latest issue of The Beast. Nearly the entire issue is devoted to America's favorite self-righteous egomaniac, Tom Cruise. It seems that the money-hungry, dyslexic, Scientology cheerleader himself has threatened to sue The Beast for giving their opinion on the smiling Oprah-fucker. The Beast made a list of the "50 Most Loathsome People in America" in an issue earlier this year, and while the other candidates on the list were much too busy counting their money, Tom Cruise decides to sic his lawyer on the Beast. First it starts with a letter demanding a "retraction" of the comments and "false assertions." In true Beast style, they publish that letter along with a wiseass reply. Now the Last Ham-On-Rye and Sue McSuington are threatening with a lawsuit. Beast publisher Paul Fallon is continuing to instigate towards Cruise and encouraging a lawsuit. Why? Because this whole fiasco is giving the Beast tons of publicity!

Conclusion, Tom Cruise is an ass. I've always hated that big-toothed clown with his shit-eating grin and his dumbass half-retarded laugh that sounds like the reaction of a down syndrome kid who just farted in the bathtub while being molested by his even more retarded uncle. The majority of his movies are unbearable garbage that requires several hallucinogens to take seriously. Why the fuck do you even care what some local satire newsletter says? You sure as hell have no case. Go to hell and take your bloodsucking lawyer-whore with you. By the way, War of the Worlds looks like shit, you're fucking ugly, your long hair makes you look like a chick, your 5 o'clock shadow doesn't make you look any more manly. Go kill yourself, it sure as hell would make me happy. Then the Beast can make fun of your death, too.

Long live The Beast, you're absolutely brilliant.

Now is the Alex Winter of our discontent.

2005-04-21T20:33:00.000-07:00

Cue the fanfare, for the greatest movie ever made is finally getting a DVD release!
http://www.fangoria.com/news_article.php?id=3888
Of all the early 90s juvenile humor monster-comedies directed by a Keanu Reeves supporting actor, this is the very best.
\m/

Shut up and enjoy the eyeball plucking, or don't.

2005-04-20T23:09:00.000-07:00

The final straw occurred during my last class in Intermediate Video. We were watching this rather good documentary about editing. It was a good one, there was even a wicked interview with one of my heroes, the inimitable Paul Verhoeven. Anyways, there were some interview segments with none other than Quentin Tarantino. Now as a huge fan of Tarantino, I even can find him a bit annoying. But whatever, I like his films, regardless. So after we watched this in class, one of my classmates made this absolutely snobbish comment, "I think I hate Tarantino even more now." Now let me just say that this motherfucker is the absolute archetype of a snobby, pretentious, uncultured dumbass film student. A real fucking loser who thinks they have a lot of clout and they know everything about film. And they constantly leave class early and spend most of the time listening to their goddam ipod, ya know, because they're such a film expert they don't even need this class.

Anyways, I'm getting real sick and tired of asshole film students who talk shit about Tarantino. Sure, he's not 100% original and pulls from other sources, but hell, neither are your films, douchebag! And I can safely assume that he's a better filmmaker than any fucking pretentious hack at the UB media study department. If you don't like him, fine. But stop being such a jealous asshole. You don't see me going around screaming about Spielberg all the time (not anymore, anyways). He's lucky enough to be making films and will still be making when most of us film students are still production assistants for Fred Olen Ray.

In conclusion to that loser in my video class, go to hell. I saw your video project and it sucked, I don't give a fuck about your crappy dolly shot, it still blows. You're a fucking hack and you'll always suck. Also, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" fucking blows. Michel Gondry should fucking stick with music videos.

So there, just die.

In other news, here's a new trailer for the US release of "High Tension."
http://www.apple.com/trailers/lions_gate/high_tension/trailer/
I must say I'm not happy about this. "High Tension" is one of the best horror films I've seen in a long time and it sure as hell doesn't deserve this shabby treatment. The dubbing is awful, and I'm sure the murder scenes were absolutely butchered, and judging from the trailer, it's possible the music was even fucked with. Time will tell I guess.

2005-04-20T06:24:00.000-07:00

Okay, I've messed with the settings and non-member comments are now allowed. So you have no excuse, jerk-face!

I think we should have a standing army, because we'll save money on chairs.

2005-04-14T23:26:00.000-07:00

*drool*
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0002MHDYW/qid=1113546364/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/002-5375716-4709665?v=glance&s=dvd
I want. Will step over mother for it. Trentino, eh?

It is with great regret that I announce my film "I Mow Your Lawn" is no longer available at the Stray Productions website. I don't want to go in-depth as to why I had this done, but let's just say that I didn't like the direction where Stray was going, and that I realized the idea of a production company is rather futile when you can't give it 100% commitment, which in the case of college students, is impossible. I also do not appreciate the way I was being treated by my partners, who were also supposed to be my friends. Anyways, I'm gonna try to upload IMYL to some server in the meantime, and hopefully get the Rabid Films website going, probably during the summer.

In more bad news, it seems that the Lake Placid Film Festival will not be taking place this year. This is an absolute damn tragedy. The Lake Placid Film Festival was a great way for filmmakers in New York State, big and small, to get their work seen and appreciated. I was planning to send IMYL there this year, but I learned of the bad news. This is a blow not only to the world of film or the economy of Lake Placid, but also the world of art as a whole. I can only hope that they can get their act together and resume the film festival next year, bigger and better than ever. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, it's very important. I mean shit, I saw the guy from "Swingers" interview the guy who did "Boxcar Bertha."

I don't know about you, but "Domino" looks fuckin' sweet. I want to have Keira Knightley's baby.

Everybody's been confirming that George Romero's 4th living dead epic "Land of the Dead" has been moved up to being released on June 24th. Something sounds fishy about this though. Romero just began doing his reshoots, the film has not been completed and that would give it very little time to be promoted. Chances are that this will either be pushed back to October, or this will be direct-to-video. I hope for the former, because Romero is better than that. Besides he's got big stars in this one, Dennis Hopper, John Leguizamo, Asia Argento, it's marketable. Let's just see what unfolds. Either way, the dead will walk again.

Shooting for "Head-Goat" has been moved to the 23rd, and this time it's hell or high water. No turning back, everything is on the line. Self-respect, honor, revenge, this is why I'm making this film. I'm a good editor, I can make it good. Besides, I got the infamous double deuce at my disposal. This summer, you will believe a goat can walk upright.

I got the idea from a friend that a good title for a movie would be "Eric Basile Doesn't Sell Out," after I made that statement the other day. Sounds great, I'll make it an extremely exaggerated autobiography, kinda like "The Secret Life of Ian Fleming." It'll be about my pilgrimage to Hollywood, laying low for a year as a simply production assistant for Spielberg movies, but slowly bringing down the system from the inside. And it all ends with me and my samurai sword, tearing down the Greedy 88, which includes Spielberg, Sean Penn, Michael Bay, and Jerry Bruckheimer. Then my final showdown with the resurrected corpse of Cary Grant. Sounds like fried gold!

Still waiting for my "Oldboy" dvd to arrive. I shiver with antici...................pation.

Damn, almost forgot about my ==!!VIDEO PICK OF THE WEEK!!== *trumpets*. This time, give "Eurotrip" a try. Granted, it wasn't directed by James L. Brooks and Garry Shandling didn't write it's biting and witty script, but I'll be damned if Vinnie Jones's soccer hooligan character doesn't get you laughing your ass off. It's some good ol' retarded teenage sex hijinks and Matt Damon! Give it a shot when you're incredibly drunk with your friends.

Okay, kids that's Rabid About Film. Don't forget, I'm not your dad, I'm only your FAKE dad, and only this WEEK-end!

MGM, I Spit on Your Grave!

2005-04-12T12:50:00.000-07:00

Looks like capitalism is finally starting to collapse on itself and another dragon has been slain. MGM is up for sale. Good fucking riddance. The less we have these goddam conglomerate companies the better. I don't give a shit how many "classic" films they made. They have no use anymore. Old hollywood is dead and it's time to make way for the new wave. Unfortunately, this new wave is being held back by Jerry Bruckheimer and his cocaine-sniffing cronies. It's okay, it'll all come down soon. While Sean Penn is smoking up opium alongside Ho Chi Minh, we'll be burning down the Hollywood sign.
The only thing I worry about is how are we gonna know when to start the Pink Floyd album without Leo the Lion's roar?
You're next Disney!

Also, check out this trailer for the new Takashi Miike film.
www.yokai-movie.com
You just can't hold this man down.

Stickin' it to the man.

2005-04-08T23:13:00.000-07:00

A few months or so ago there were things being said about George Romero walking off the set on the last day of shooting "Land of the Dead." The studio said that he was just exhausted and left it to his assistant director to handle the last few insert shots that were left. Well that can be said to be nothing but bullshit. However, in the good news department, Romero has been given money to do some reshoots. Now usually "reshoot" is tantamount to "troubled production" which usually leads to a shitty end result. Well, I think this is otherwise and it's cool to know that Romero got what he wanted from the fucking pigheads at Univers-hell.

Fast kill, slow kill, it's still a kill.

2005-04-06T23:00:00.000-07:00

Jesus christ, I just finished this entry and for some reason it was posted blank! Fucking technology.

It seems that Chanwook Park ("Oldboy" I'll probably review it soon) was offered by Sam Raimi to direct the "Evil Dead" remake. That crazy bastard turned it down! That's some admirable shit I must say. If I was in his shoes, I'd say yes in an instant, and I'd probably make the biggest cinematic turd in history. I must say after seeing Park's segment in "Three Extremes" I'm sure he could have made something insane. But it's as if Raimi himself admitted "Well, we sure as hell can't find a decent American to direct, so let's raid some Asian talent. And if it turns out good, my name will be on it!" I'm glad he said no, because chances are he'll become americanized and make mediocre hollywood crap from then on. Tsui Hark was in that trap for a while, luckily he escaped, but John Woo is still there.
Nevertheless, my cynicism has dropped a few notches and I'm actually looking forward to seeing this remake.

Okay, the eternal argument, fast zombies vs. slow zombies. Some horror purists demand that the only way to go is the lumbering dim-witted corpses. But recent cinematic offerings like the "Dawn of the Dead" remake and "28 Days Later" (it's a zombie movie, get the fuck over it!) would state otherwise. Probably the reason the old-school zombie is so appealing is the irony. These fuckers are slow. You can just walk right past them. Shoot them in the head, they won't even duck. But later on, you realize that there's so goddam many of them. You've completely painted yourself into a corner, and now you're suddenly being ripped apart and eaten by a whole hallow-eyed militia of walking flower pots. It's a slow death, which is always more painful.
Now after much deliberation I finally saw 2004's "Dawn of the Dead" despite my militious anti-remake venom. And I fucking liked it. These zombies were fast, but they were still scary. While they are indeed fast, they're still dumb, which helps 'cuz it maintains the primal instincts of the traditional zombie. It's cool 'cuz this time you're even more helpless. Granted the poetic irony is gone, but it's still scary as hell when you're being pursued by a foamy-mouthed maniac who just won't stop. Watching these zombies search and destroy gives you the same feeling you get when watching those nature shows, where the lightning fast cheetah pounces and rips apart a helpess fawn (or whatever the hell cheetahs hunt) who doesn't have a chance in hell of surviving. We know what's gonna happen, and when it finally does, shit! Hitchcock said something about suspense being a bomb under a table that the viewer sees, but the family of four at the table can't. These FloJo variety zombies are like that there bomb. We know this poor schmuck is gonna get pounced on, bones broken, ripped apart and sent down some faceless zombie's rotten digestive tract. But they sure as hell don't, they think those weak little wood boards are gonna hold. Poor fuckers.
So there, I ain't taking sides. I'm not that old-fashioned. I like them both!

Click here to check out a grisly clip from "The Devil's Rejects."
http://www.bloody-disgusting.com/index.php?Show=3678&Template=newsfull
This is looking to be one nasty-ass hellride. "House of 1000 Corpses" was a solid film, but lacked a little something in the "fuck yeah" department. Zombie has definitely grown as a director and this is looking wicked.

It seems that Jim VanBebber's 13-year labor of love (?) "Charlie's Family" now titled "The Manson Family" has gotten a big bad DVD release. It's about damn time. I was lucky enough to catch this film at the New York Underground Film Festival during my infamous NYC spring break trip. Maybe it was the disoriented feeling I had throughout that entire week, but the images from that film will be forever burned into my memory. It is absolutely soul-shredding. I left the theater thinking I had witnessed a live execution. I don't recall the specifics of the film, just haunting images, the same way I would recall a really bad nightmare.

I think this entry I'll try to give a "Video Pick of the Week!" *trumpets* These are gonna be films that are available on video, reasonably easy to find, and will kill a good hour or two. I'll start out with the lost in translation as all hell "Mechanical Violator Hakaider." While not a masterpiece, it sure is a curiosity. Somewhere between serious sci-fi epic and episode of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Hakaider is a motorcycle-ridin' metal hero who beats up bad guys for some reason or another. There's robots, guns, puzzling religious imagery, one nice blood-geyser gag (only one?), and the stoic hero doing the usual stoic hero stuff. Oh, and did I mention the bad guy is a flower-lovin' hippie who bleeds feathers? Check it out, my friends hated it!

Oh yeah, mozy on over to www.rottencotton.com and check out the Rotten Minions section! Scroll down a bit and you'll see a pic of yours truly chillin' with "Street Trash" writer/producer Roy Frumkes. They say shitty things about Roy, but it's Rotten Cotton, it's their way.

And lastly, I'd like to take some time to remember some truly cool people who have fallen...
RIP Basswolf
RIP Mitch Hedberg
You were both taken way before your time, you will surely be missed.

Well kids, that's Rabid About Film! Don't forget, they only wanna sap and impurify all of your precious bodily fluids! HAIL!

Review - Sin City.

2005-04-04T13:28:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah. For the one or two people who read this (that's one or two more than Aint It Cool News), I'm sure you can get over the disappointment of me reviewing a mainstream flick. Of course I'm sure some losers will point out my hypocrisy (yeah, you know who you are). However, I've noticed that I've been spending way too much time talking about Asian films. As much as I love them, this blog is not just about Asian cinema. So it was either a review of the Japanese-HK-Korean co-production "Three Extremes" or the mainstream American "Sin City." And as you probably know, there are exceptions to every rule, even to the "I despise all Hollywood blockbusters" rule. So let's shake it up a bit and talk about "Sin City."

Let's just get the major gripe out of the way so I can get right to the good stuff, the green screen? I don't like this idea of a movie that is filmed with actors behind a green screen for the entire time. It just ain't right. I didn't like it when that Captain Underpants and the World of Idiots came out. But this is a comic book movie, and realism is the absolute dead last item on the list of priorities. Although this isn't the first time this kind of style has been used. The Dick Tracy movie had those gnarly matte paintings. The idea of this being a comic book adaptation lets all that purist babble slip by. So long story short, I should just shut up and go with the flow.

And flow I did! I flowed like your mother on the rag! Speaking of which, there's one thing "Sin City" had plenty of...BLOOD! The film starts out all glossy and shiny like you'd expect from the director of "Spy Kids," but you seem to forget that this is also the guy who directed "From Dusk Till Dawn"! I would say the first time in the film where the pervert gets a back-alley vasectomy is when we can safely assume that is no Captain Underpants chimney-sweeping movie. Hell, it ain't even "Spiderman 2." This is Robert fuckin' Rodriguez, the guy who sold his body to science to make "El Mariachi," and he's back with a vengeance!

A plot description is a pretty futile attempt. They're all over the goddam place, and even better there is no main character, so we don't have to be bothered by one "star" mugging for the camera and saying "This mission just got a lot more impossibler!" However, the standouts in the rather large cast are big bad Mickey Rourke, who is always bad, but this time he's literally big, and Benecio Del Toro, who's slimy as hell. Good ol' Bruce Willis is in good form as yet another hard-boiled cop (there's a lot of those in this movie, in fact there's just a lot of hard-boiled people in general) and there's even an appearance by that dutch maniac Rutger Hauer. A personal favorite would be Devon Aoki as the katana-swinging hooker Miho (I'm a sucker for girls with swords).

There's a whole bunch of intersecting stories, kind of like Pulp Fiction. One involves Marv (Rourke, Hellboy meets Ah-Nuld in the first scenes in Kindergarten Cop) getting revenge on the psycho (Elijah Wood, Frodo meets Ichi) that killed his sort-of girlfriend. Or is Marv the psycho? I don't remember, the film requires several viewings. Hartigan (Willis, John McClane Dark) pays a heavy price for being an honest cop in a corrupt system, and castration ensues. There's other stories involving the badass prostitutes and Josh Hartnett being a douchebag, but like I said, this film requires repeated viewings to catch everything.

So in conclusion-ion-ion-ion-na-na-na, I give "Sin City" the horns! \m/ Solid, lean and mean comic book shit-giving that'll surely please fans of the comic and the genre, but make the usual crowd of "Oh man, we're out of beer, guess we'll have to see whatever is at the theater" type of movie-goers walk out.

Rating: \m/

Oh yeah, one more minor gripe, and this time it's probably the MPAA's fault. In the beginning of the movie there's nudity galore. We get to see the mom from Spy Kids stark-raving nekkid and a nice topless dead hooker shot. But by the time we get to the strip club, it seems like the filmmakers used all of their Itchy and Scratchy bucks and had to leave the amusement park. Another reason repeated viewings is required.

Alligator Mounted Me When I Wasn't Looking, Laid Eggs in my Lower Intestine.

2005-03-30T11:35:00.000-08:00

Managed to download a video of the intentionally-buried Star Wars Holiday Special. I think this damn thing clocks almost two hours long! I could only get through the first 15 minutes when I could no longer tolerate this goddam Chewbacca family. Think Sid and Marty Croft with better production values meets Sonny and Cher and that's about it. I don't want to waste much space on my blog about this hollywood-related crap, but I will say two more things. First, Jefferson Starship, yes. Second, if this isn't undeniable evidence that George Lucas was, is, and always will be the absolute biggest idiot hack piece of shit to ever walk the face of the earth, then I'm a devout Christian.

I finally decided to apply myself and go the extra mile with a screenplay. Instead of the usual comic-gorefest I tend to churn out nearly every week. I came up with a really trippy idea. Yup, I Eric the Terrible am taking on the mind-fuck genre. Still have yet to come up with a way to briefly describe the plot, but I like to think of it as "Ichi the Killer" meets "Clockwork Orange" in "Pee Wee's Big Adventure." It revolves around the concept of a poor schmuck being controlled by a disgruntled postal worker and manipulated into being a kill-crazy assassin. But the real story is the poor schmuck's road trip to find the black market doctor who can deprogram him. Sounds great if you ask me, but the screenwriting process is a bit slow, even with this here new screenwriting software, which I'm still judging whether or not it was worth the 85 bucks.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't realize that I haven't been getting out enough recently, but I also realized that I haven't been getting out into the theaters enough. I do find enough time to see such glossy crap like Cursed and Constantine, but I haven't been able to get to art-houses very much, though. There's a bunch of cool screenings coming up at the Market Arcade this week, but unfortunately I can't make them because of these goddam night classes and shit. Where's the justice, I ask you?

No real updates about Head-Goat, but I still need to shop for some more supplies. Mainly fake blood, and I gotta get the satanic penis working properly. I got an understudy for the Nordic Warrior in case something goes wrong, which is good to know. Shooting is still set for April 9th.

Oh, by the way, Audition getting a dvd release from Lions Gate! Horns to that! \m/

Okay, that's Rabid About Film. So long and don't forget that the only way to kill 'em is gettin' 'em in the head! HAIL!

Hello, Satan. Here's a snowball for ya.

2005-03-24T17:04:00.000-08:00

Well, looks like I spoke too soon in my last post. I just heard that Takashi Miike's One Missed Call (one of his more mainstream films, like I said the guy is all over the place) is getting its eyes de-slanted by a U.S. studio. You heard it, a Miike film is getting americanized. I must say I'm speechless. I'm becoming much more tolerable of this seemingly endless stream of remakes. Ya know, cuz it's really not worth getting mad about Evil Dead being or Texas Chainsaw Massacre being remade anymore, 'cuz c'mon, chances are the remakes will be quickly forgotten and the originals will remain cult classics. Anyways, it's actually kind of funny knowing that the filmmaker who presented us with great images like a full-grown man being breast-fed, a yakuza who has now taken the form of a woman give birth to himself, and a pimp beat the shit out of one of his prostitutes while a mentally unstable assassin watches on and masturbates, is actually deemed remake-worthy by Hollywood. Kind of amazing.

Just as a funny little thing to mention, has anyone seen the movie "Jacob's Ladder." Very good movie in my opinion, but it was really distracting to see all these popular actors of today in barely recognizable bit-parts. The topper was seeing Lewis Black as the doctor who is able to revive Jacob, absolutely hilarious. Check it out if you get a chance.

On the homefront, the plans are still on to shoot "Head-Goat" on April 9th. Just about all the props are finished, including the monumental papier-mache Head-Goat and the shockingly realistic severed head. No, of course it doesn't look like Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes. Hopefully I can get all the scenes and principal photography done in that day and finish up all the second-unit stuff later. And when the film is finished I want to start my own website, which I've already designed in Flash, I just need to figure out how to get it functioning. Finally you will believe that an upright-walking goat can fly. Well, not fly, but just kill several people. Also in the works is a short film that will feature sock puppets. I'm not gonna talk much about it now, but let's just say you'll see what is behind the door. After a somewhat long hiatus, Rabid Films will be back, louder and nastier than ever!

Okay, that's Rabid About Film! So long and don't forget to take the car-seat off the top of the roof before you drive away!

The Busting of the Rabid About Film cherry.

2005-03-20T12:06:00.000-08:00

Hello, hello! Like that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, "I am man.", this is the first entry in the Rabid About Film blog! Bust out the Kool-Aid old chums!

Okay, let's get right into it. I'm getting really frustrated on how there is not a proper DVD release for Takashi Miike's Audition. C'mon, it ranked really high on that there Bravo horror movie list, you'd think those co-opting bastards at Miramax would be interested in releasing it? I am currently the high bidder in an auction for an out of print American DVD, but it could cost me possibly over 30 bucks! What the shit, I ask you? WHAT THE SHIT? Unfortunately, Miike has not been very lucky in terms of getting DVD releases of his films, I guess that's what happens when you consistently make 5 feature films a year, the companies don't want to even bother. And with the exception of Gozu, all the Miike discs I have are rather poor. The picture quality for Ichi the Killer is dim as hell. Well, one of the things I like about Miike so much is that he is one of the asian directors whose work couldn't possibly be remade in the US (well, I could see a verrrrry watered-down version of Audition being filmed). So I guess it's only expected that his films don't get very good american releases.

And in the "It's About Damn Time" department, Eli Roth is finally gonna crank out a new film, and it's not gonna be a raunchy teen sex comedy! It's called "Hostel" and all I know about it is that he's gonna try and outdo Miike in terms of violence. Now I don't think that's humanly possible, but I'm sure the results are gonna be entertaining. I've been antsy to see Roth do some new stuff since I was thoroughly shocked by that fingering scene in Cabin Fever.

Here's a thought I had developed earlier today, which backs up my idea that old Hollywood was complete bullshit. I was looking up the movie High Noon today, and discovered that the movie's plot is supposed to be an allegory about the people who refused to be intimidated by the House of Un-American Activities Committee during that whole McCarthyism fiasco (by the way, Joseph McCarthy was a complete maniac, Ann Coulter). I find it really sad that a filmmaker was so scared about being blacklisted for their political statements, that they had to hide them behind a very traditional western scenario. Same thing goes for the play, The Crucible. Why couldn't Arthur Miller make a more straight-forward story that specifically says that the Red Scare was futile, instead of masquerading his sentiments as the Salem Witch Trials. So with all this voracious amount of testicle-lacking, what's so great about old Hollywood? Their stories were boring, their filmmaking techniques are out of date and uninteresting by today's standards, and they were absolutely unwilling to take any chances. They just want to tell their boring stories about somebody coming to terms with something. So I don't see how all these loser film-students I find myself surrounded by are so gung-ho about ball-less cinema.

Ok that's Rabid About Film, so long and don't forget to scrub off the mildew!