Review - Grindhouse.

Grindhouse. Grindhouse. Grindhouse. It just rolls off the tongue doesn't it? I love saying the word. It conjures up beautiful images of urine-stained floors and homeless people sleeping in the back row. The hooker-filled 42nd Street before it was overhauled into a tourist-friendly hellhole by Rudolph Giuliani. This was a theater unlike any other. No multiplexes or recliner seats and most certainly no pretentious hipsters talking on their cell phones, just begging for a nice firm elbow to the bridge of their nose. Never mind that the damn previews reminded us several times to turn the fucking thing off, they're still on their phone because they just absolutely HAVE to tell someone their worthless opinion on the new Muse album (which probably sucks, anyway). But I digress, this isn't a column about my problems with the current trends in lame whitey culture, it's about how awesome it is to witness the film experience that is Grindhouse.

Unfortunately I'm too young to ever experience the authentic grindhouse experience. The closest thing to a grindhouse for me was the old Wintergarden Theater in Jamestown. While it was an appropriately grimy movie theater, complete with a rancid bathroom and the occasional bat flying past the screen, the movies I saw there were more mainstream fare such as "City Slickers" and "Dances With Wolves". To this day I still believe that dragging your 7 year old to watch Kevin Costner's biggest assault on humanity (well, except The Postman) is some form of vicious child abuse. Fortunately, while I missed the theater experience, I've been able to hunt down DVDs of those infamous films, such as Lucio Fulci's "Zombie", "They Call Her One Eye", "Faster Pussycat Kill Kill", "Deathrace 2000". I have really become enamored with this form of fringe cinema, which makes Tarantino and Rodriguez's "Grindhouse" a much more personal and extra special experience for me.

First, we start off with a faux trailer for "Machete", starring cinema's modern badass, Danny Trejo. Like a Mexican counterpart for Charles Bronson, Machete kicks ass, takes no names, and gets all the women. This over the top trailer sets the mood for the entertainment that is to come, and I must say we desperately need a real Machete movie.

Now the first feature, Robert Rodriguez's "Planet Terror". There is not a single frame of this film that is not full of unbridled energy, and I'll bet the missing frames were pretty good too. Non-stop, balls to the wall, zombie action. What? You thought the concept of a woman with a machine gun leg is silly? Then get the hell out of my theater and go congregate with all the other posers, you poser. The amount of over the top zombie gore in "Planet Terror" just might even rival that of Peter Jackson's "Dead Alive".

Then some more trailers, Edgar Wright contributes the very British "Don't" and pretty much pegs the concept of an American made trailer for a European horror film. No attempt to summarize the plot, just shot after shot of outrageous horror-ness and a gratuitous use of the fog machine. Rob Zombie steps up big time with "Werewolf Women of the SS." I won't say much, but if Grindhouse was just three hours of a blank screen with those few precious seconds of Nicolas Cage laughing maniacally with the goofy Fu Manchu facial hair, it would definitely be more entertaining than any Pirates of the Caribbean movie. And how can anyone forget Eli Roth's "Thanksgiving". I really want these movies to get made.

Next comes what I think will be the more divisive part of the film in the eyes of the average movie-goer (in other words, complete morons). Tarantino's Death Proof marks the return to form of the movie world's leading badass, Kurt Russell. Talking like John Wayne and unexplicably wearing a silver jacket with the Icy Hot logo on it (yeah, I don't get it either), Kurt Russell is a walking nightmare who gets off on killing young women with his souped up car. One little thing I loved about this one was its Austin setting. I was slightly excited upon seeing the Alamo Drafthouse and hearing a character refer to Antone's, two places I visited last month. Death Proof is much more deliberately paced than Rodriguez's fast moving gorefest, which is why I think said complete morons might not like it, the same way those same complete morons were disappointed with Kill Bill Vol. 2. Now, please hold on here, ladies and gentlemen. Tarantino's half of Grindhouse actually has...dialogue and character exposition. Wow, when will Tarantino realize that the average movie-goer doesn't like to think and patiently wait for the action to occur? Well, it's their loss, because when the sporadic bursts of action do occur, they're totally worth it.

Needless to say, I loved this movie. I know I'm in the habit of giving only positive reviews, but that's because I only write about the movies that are worth mentioning. Grindhouse is a balls-out throwback to the glory days of exploitation that gets me all warm inside. I'll probably see this movie a million more times before it gets to DVD. A soon to be classic that will hopefully wipe the floor with The Reaping this weekend.